Secret Dubai diary

Bye Bye Blackberry

2010-08-01T14:31:00.003+04:00

One quick guess what happened here:

The Telecommunications Regulatory Authority has said that BlackBerry Messenger, BlackBerry E-mail and BlackBerry Web-browsing services in the UAE will be suspended as of October 11.

The suspension is a result of the failure of ongoing attempts, dating back to 2007, to bring BlackBerry services in the UAE in line with UAE telecommunications regulations.

[...]

Today's decision is based on the fact that, in their current form, certain BlackBerry services allow users to act without any legal accountability, causing judicial, social and national security concerns for the UAE.

The UAE tried to get RIM to let them snoop user data, and RIM told them to fuck off.

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RAK a rogue state?

2010-06-11T09:05:00.001+04:00

Rocky Ras Al Khaimah has always been the most fascinating of the seven emirates, and now it's being branded a rogue state:

RAK is a strategically important part of the UAE, 50 miles from Iran across the Strait of Hormuz, through which 17 million barrels of oil are shipped each day. Sheikh Khalid, 66, was ousted by his father and brother as de facto leader in 2003.

The campaign alleges the regime presents an international security threat because the kingdom has become "a rogue state and gateway for Iran", allowing the shipment of weapons, including nuclear weapons parts, drugs and blood diamonds as well as military personnel and terrorists from al-Qaida and other networks.

How incredibly exciting.

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"RIP Plane Victims"

2010-05-24T16:20:00.005+04:00

It is impossible to know whether this post at Al-Emirati.com on the victims of the recent Air India disaster is intended to be some appalling attempt at humour or satire, but by every single measure it is absolutely beyond the pale:

Not really. Not only do I not care if the victims "rest in peace" but it seems to me that they are, rather, resting in pieces!

I am of course talking about flight IX 812 from Dubai to Balglapour (or some other hell hole, they're all the same) that recently crashed (click here)

I know I know. Mean, blah blah. The way I see it is as follows. The UAE is (about) 50% Indians, Something that I, and 90% of all other Emaratis see as a bad thing.

This plane, carrying Indians who live and work here, means that 160 indians that clog up the roads, cause accidents, fail code inspections at Indian restaurants, speak like this guy, and are a general drag on the security of the UAE, wont be coming back. That is a very GOOD thing!

I can only pray that this happens every week!

Sadly, we'll probably have 160 new VISAs for 160 new Indians issued in 3 hours... And the authority in charge of this will flaunt that, as if it's a good thing.

Mocking the victims of a plane crash disaster on the grounds of their race and glorying in their tragic deaths is simply inhumane.

In fact, it is evil.

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From Vision to nightmare

2009-11-30T00:49:00.001+04:00

It was October 2003; the setting was the recently opened Madinat Jumeirah, its lobby strewn with even more rose-petals and incense-bearers than usual. For the weary Dubai hack pack, lured there by the anticipation of free Jumeirah International catering and yet another laser-etched paperweight or pleather business folder, it was clear that Sheikhliness was afoot.

Sharpened pencils and reporters' notebooks were readied as the crowds descended the elevator into the press conference room. It was packed to the rafters. As well as journalists there were endless VIP guests, businesspeople and white-robed members of the royal retinue.

This was an era of great works of Vision™ - from Dubai Internet City and Media City to Dubai International Financial Centre. The emirate was growing, it was the start of the boom. People were excited about Dubai, they were anticipating great things. So far everything made sense. The direction was clear. Trade, commerce, technology: all areas that Dubai already did or likely could excel at.

And then a lengthy video played, introducing Dubailand. Endless CGI scenes of housing developments were intercut with stock footage of theme parks and shots of Dubai. It was more bewildering than impressive. As it went on, it made progressively less sense. The accompanying speech was no more enlightening.

As the media shuffled out, and started swapping notes, one thing became clear. Everyone had been left with a strange, prevailing sensation of tackiness. (According to one source in a production company that didn't win the bid, the video was made on the cheap in Asia). Nonetheless, this was an era when everyone believed in Dubai, and when everyone - local or expat - wanted to believe in Dubai.

But no one understood Dubailand. Other than that it appeared to be connected to tourism, it didn't seem very well defined. And its history has been one of cancellations, cover-ups, shifting goalposts. There was this article by ITP (link goes to archived pdf): "Projects worth billions of dollars have been shelved on the massive Dubailand development" - it was hastily pulled from the web, despite containing quotes from a senior official. Its assertions were never corrected or denied. As one source says in the banned article: "Many [projects] were unfeasible and impractical - the numbers just didn’t work, and they were simply shrouded by the glitz of the idea."

Looking back, Dubailand is perhaps the defining moment when the Vision™ first faltered. Let us not forget what we were told that day, these are the words of His Highness Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum:

"I would like to tell capitalists that Dubai does not need investors, investors need Dubai and I tell you that the risk lies not in using your money but in letting it pile up. It is dormant and dead if it is merely a figure in an account. I tell them not to hold onto it and kill it in safes, let it breathe and be active because money is like water - if you lock it up, it becomes stagnant and foul-smelling, but if you let it flow, it stays fresh. If it does not flow, it will become stagnant and its colour will change. When I encourage you to invest, I am not asking you to put your money into a fire - I guarantee that your money will be invested in carefully studied projects. I want to be frank with you - I have the courage to take decisions and to bear the responsibility for the consequences. Do you have the courage to be frank and decisive?"

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Seven star service

2009-11-22T02:10:00.001+04:00

Here's a lucrative career suggestion for anyone struggling in the Dubai recession, and you don't even have to get out of bed:

"STUNNING star student Paige Ashley turned her back on a lawyer's career to make £1million as a real life Belle de Jour.

My biggest one-off job was with three Arab businessmen at the Emirates Palace Hotel in Abu Dhabi," she said. "It's a seven-star hotel and everything is decked out in gold leaf. They paid me £20,000 for one night with all of them. By morning I was exhausted.

"Arab men are fascinated by Western women. We're almost like status symbols to them. I've met girls working in Abu Dhabi, Dubai and Bahrain who've made a million out of escorting."

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Bubbles in the sand

2009-07-12T10:06:00.001+04:00

I'm forever blowing bubbles
Property bubbles in the sand
They grow so fast, obviously can't last
But why do I care, I still own the land
People keep on buying
I take all their cash
Oh, I'm forever blowing bubbles
And bubbles always crash

"Nowadays, ten months after the financial crisis came crashing in on the United Arab Emirates (UAE), nearly destroying its shiniest component, Dubai, hundreds of cranes and dredgers have yet to resume work. The Queen Elizabeth II, once the world’s smartest liner, due to become yet another posh Dubai hotel, is a sleeping quayside hulk. Nothing is happening on three of the most recently man-made islands shaped like palm trees off Dubai’s coast that were the latest flashy projects of Nakheel, the emirate’s shaky real-estate developer."

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British adulteress arrested in Dubai

2009-05-26T13:28:00.005+04:00

Another lucky expat gets a free stay at the Al Wathba government hotel:

A BRITISH businesswoman faces a year inside a squalid Arab prison for having an affair — after her fuming husband shopped her to police.

Cops in Dubai nabbed blonde mum-of-two Sally Antia, 44, as she left a five-star hotel with her lover in the early hours.

Last night she was in custody and facing deportation after admitting in court: “Yes, I did it.”

Sally, who has been married for 14 years and lived in Dubai for 12, told officers she paid for her lover’s flights from the UK to the strict Muslim emirate.

Calling Dubai a "strict Muslim emirate" is akin to describing Amsterdam as a "puritanical Christian state".

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UAE sheikh filmed committing torture

2009-04-23T14:01:00.003+04:00

This is an unpleasantly graphic story to quote extensively from, but the response of UAE authorities is relevant and disturbing:

In a statement to ABC News, the UAE Ministry of the Interior said it had reviewed the tape and acknowledged the involvement of Sheikh Issa bin Zayed al Nahyan, brother of the country's crown prince, Sheikh Mohammed.

"The incidents depicted in the video tapes were not part of a pattern of behavior," the Interior Ministry's statement declared.

The Minister of the Interior is also one of Sheikh Issa's brother.

The government statement said its review found "all rules, policies and procedures were followed correctly by the Police Department."

That someone born into immeasurable wealth and luxury could commit an act of such inhuman depravity over "a grain delivery" is beyond words. That this man is the son of the late Sheikh Zayed is, for all of us who loved and admired Zayed and greatly mourned his death, a exceedingly bitter pill to swallow.

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The dark side of Dubai

2009-04-07T12:56:00.002+04:00

Probably the best article ever written on Dubai, by Johann Hari in the Independent. It covers everything from wexpats:

Daniel [a brain tumour patient] was arrested and taken away on the day of their eviction. It was six days before she could talk to him. "He told me he was put in a cell with another debtor, a Sri Lankan guy who was only 27, who said he couldn't face the shame to his family. Daniel woke up and the boy had swallowed razor-blades. He banged for help, but nobody came, and the boy died in front of him."

To indentured labourers:

He shows me his room. It is a tiny, poky, concrete cell with triple-decker bunk-beds, where he lives with 11 other men. All his belongings are piled onto his bunk: three shirts, a spare pair of trousers, and a cellphone. The room stinks, because the lavatories in the corner of the camp – holes in the ground – are backed up with excrement and clouds of black flies. There is no air conditioning or fans, so the heat is "unbearable. You cannot sleep. All you do is sweat and scratch all night." At the height of summer, people sleep on the floor, on the roof, anywhere where they can pray for a moment of breeze.

The water delivered to the camp in huge white containers isn't properly desalinated: it tastes of salt. "It makes us sick, but we have nothing else to drink," he says.

The work is "the worst in the world," he says. "You have to carry 50kg bricks and blocks of cement in the worst heat imaginable ... This heat – it is like nothing else. You sweat so much you can't pee, not for days or weeks. It's like all the liquid comes out through your skin and you stink. You become dizzy and sick but you aren't allowed to stop, except for an hour in the afternoon. You know if you drop anything or slip, you could die. If you take time off sick, your wages are docked, and you are trapped here even longer."

To Emiratis:

Sultan is furious. He splutters: "You don't think Mexicans are treated badly in New York City? And how long did it take Britain to treat people well? I could come to London and write about the homeless people on Oxford Street and make your city sound like a terrible place, too! The workers here can leave any time they want! Any Indian can leave, any Asian can leave!"

But they can't, I point out. Their passports are taken away, and their wages are withheld. "Well, I feel bad if that happens, and anybody who does that should be punished. But their embassies should help them." They try. But why do you forbid the workers – with force – from going on strike against lousy employers? "Thank God we don't allow that!" he exclaims. "Strikes are in-convenient! They go on the street – we're not having that. We won't be like France. Imagine a country where they the workers can just stop whenever they want!" So what should the workers do when they are cheated and lied to? "Quit. Leave the country."

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Jumbo camel jet

2009-04-01T00:02:00.002+04:00

Forget the Airbus A380s, Dubai's national airline has a much more exciting way to fly:

Camel flies high over Dubai

Wed 1 Apr, 2009 1:23 AM GMT

DUBAI, 1 April (Reuters) - Emirates airline will put 50-metre high aerodynamic camel humps onto its aircraft in a $30 billion rebranding.

The airline is adopting the camel, the national animal of the United Arab Emirates, as its official corporate symbol.

Airbus engineers have worked closely with Emirates marketing team over the past nine months to design the extensions.

Emirates executive vice president of marketing Jamal Al Majnoon said the move was a "perfect synergy" for the airline.

"The camel is the ship of the desert and the aircraft is the ship of the sky," Mr Al Majnoon said.

"Qatar Airways has the oryx and Gulf Air has the falcon, and Etihad will soon have the desert hamster, so we are adopting Arabia's most noble animal for our own airline," he said.

Airbus senior director of engineering Frederic Fouchameau described the move as "an exceptional feat of aviation dromedisation".

Other world airlines are believed to be considering similar redesigns.

Air Astana is in talks with Boeing to improve on Emirates' design by creating a two-humped, bactrian aircraft.

But some of the construction workers at Dubai airport who caught an early glimpse of the redesigned planes are unimpressed, including indentured labourer Shamsil.

"What is the use of putting the camel's hump onto the plane?" he said.

"For it to be interesting and useful, they should have included the sensitive parts of the camel."

(Reporting by Fitz Lodd; Editing by Laila Smith)

© Thomson Reuters 2009. All Rights Reserved.

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Lie back and think of Abu Dhabi

2009-03-27T01:24:00.002+04:00

Bad luck to single women as well as married women: you now have no control over your fertility. According to the medical clinic at a major Dubai company, the UAE recently stripped away any rights to contraception without a husband's consent:

"[Dubai Company] Clinic have advised that due to a change in UAE federal law, there is now a requirement for a Doctor to have the consent of a spouse to prescribe contraception. The impact is that married staff will require a consent for to be signed by their souse and that the clinic is now unable to prescribe or dispense contraception to single/unmarried staff. The provision of contraceptive pills for the treatment of medical conditions is still allowed. As this law includes the application of severe penalties for any Doctor who do not comply with the law, the clinic will be unable to deviate from these requirements."

Don't worry - they'll be on the black market soon. Just like the morning after pill and the abortion pill, both of which can be obtained for a few hundred dirhams if you nudge the right winks.

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No dancing in Dubai

2009-03-14T17:19:00.002+04:00

Farewell to dancing dishdashes and foxtrotting abayas, with the latest fatwa on fun in the sandlands:

Dubai - Playing loud music, dancing, nudity, kissing and even holding hands in public is considered inappropriate behaviour under new guidelines laid down by the authorities of Dubai, a report said on Saturday.

But wait... what about that legendary Gulf cultural phenomenon, the breathtaking choreographed display known as stickdancing?

An entire Dubai-tourism-video-producing industry falls on its knees and weeps.

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An Emirati's view

2009-02-19T13:36:00.002+04:00

The opinion of local Dubai people - the native Emiratis - on Dubai's rapid growth is scarce compared to expat opinion. Partly it's a language issue, many of them probably express themselves more in Arabic than in English. It may be cultural in that they don't like to speak out. But one Emirati shares their view here:

A lot of us Emiratis feel this downturn is exactly what we have needed. The chance to finally slow down and see things as they are without the stink of greed distorting everything. To finally concentrate our efforts where it counts such as improving our schools and colleges, completing the metro, building a stable civil society, and a sustainable economy.

Here are the negatives that I feel the boom brought:

Pollution: I remember when one could see the Trade Centre as a little dot on the horizon when travelling from AbuDhabi to Dubai. Something no longer possible with the haze we have now
Prostitution: Before the boom, people would travel to South East Asia to get their sin fix and bring back AIDS. The only difference being the prostitutes are here, and all the nefarious enablers that goes with it. A great shame
Greed: Not an expat only phenomenon. It's weird when the only things some members of the family would talk about is money, money, money. This flaunting of wealth was once considered unseemly by most Emiratis.

Here are the positives of the boom:

Coverage: Dubai in the international media made us see ourselves from the point of view of others, and what was written usually contradicted our own self image
Culture Change: The boom added a measure of optimism to the somewhat pessimistic culture that is part of our birthright. Emiratis are working in sectors of the economy that before would have been considered beneath them.
Greater Efficiency and transparency in government: Yes, these are halting steps forward. I remember the hair pulling experiences I have had with Dubai government 5 years ago and how much more modern it is.
Metro: Can't wait for it to go live

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Dubai: boom to bust?

2009-02-16T11:34:00.001+04:00

"You don't have to be Einstein to work out that things are slowing down."

Not the words of an Embittered Expat™ retrenched from his tax-free job in one of Dubai's endless "Cities", nor a disgruntled journalist having a whinge over an overpriced pint of frothy haram-juice in the Radisson's Media Bar, but a quote from the CEO of one of the world's biggest construction companies operating in Dubai:

"There are undoubtedly issues in Dubai."

The latest word has it that Abu Dhabi has already bailed Dubai out. Dubai allegedly made the desperate (or cunning?) move of courting Saudi and Iranian funds, and fearing increased Iranian influence, Big Dhabi stepped in.

Despite that, the official line is that Dubai still has US$80 billion worth of debt, and no one knows exactly what needs refinancing when:

"The Dubai government has announced it has debts totalling $80bn, but has yet to release a detailed outline of its servicing requirements or the ability of its assets to generate cash flow.

"Borse Dubai is seeking to refinance a $3.8bn loan which matures this week, but officials say the government-owned group is finding it hard to secure the financing it needs from foreign banks, in spite of strong initial interest."

Meanwhile Dubai Holdings is restructuring and consolidating to cut costs, while local newspapers blame the international economy rather than any wobble in the sheikhly Vision™ :

“Dubai will be the fastest city to recover from the impact of the ongoing credit crunch, and the emirate’s real estate sector will once again witness a period of long term boom."

But when international newspapers are printing "lurid rumours" that the Palm Jumeira is sinking and only cockroaches come of out of the hotel taps, the confidence needed to restore Dubai's boom times may be a very long way away.

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Sun, sea and sewage

2009-01-29T12:12:00.001+04:00

A few years ago the waters off Dubai were like a lovely warm bath. Swimming was a wonderful experience, at least for people who don't enjoy having to break the ice before they dip a frozen toe in the dark and ominous English Channel. On Midsummer's Day.

For some reason, the habit of going to the beach rather died away. Even the urging of bronzed beach-goddesses like Lola Lebcan didn't raise its appeal. Maybe a sunset stroll to take photos of the Burj, once or twice a year. But no more sunbathing, and certainly no more swimming.

Perhaps it was the dredging for the Palms that ruined the oceans. Not just because it fouled up the water with sand and fine particles, but because it stopped them being an endless mystical stretch of water as far as the eye could see. Now the sea was just a sort of inlet or lake, a sad sandy pond. The real Gulf now started the other side of the World's Biggest Man-Made Artificial Sand-Dredged Islands (tm) all rights reserved to His Majesty's Vision Inc (tm).

Anyway we've had this latest story before, last year on the BBC in fact. But now The Times has picked up on the fact that Dubai isn't quite the unspoilt virgin eco-Eden that Nakheel's vast hordes of paid "ecologists" and assorted "environmental scientists" like to promote:

"A noxious tide of toilet paper, raw sewage and chemical waste has transformed Dubai’s most prestigious stretch of shoreline into a foul-smelling health hazard.

"A stretch of the exclusive Jumeirah Beach - a magnet for Western tourists and home to a string of hotels - has been closed. “It’s a cesspool. Our tests show too many E. coli to count. It’s like swimming in a toilet,” said Keith Mutch, the manager of the Offshore Sailing Club, which has posted warnings and been forced to cancel regattas. The pollution is a blow to Dubai’s reputation as an international holiday destination offering almost guaranteed sunshine and clear seas."

The good news for Dubai is that the sort of tourists who flock in on cheap Emirates deals and hang around the Jumeirah Beach Hotel with their tattoos, guts and lycra on grim and sweaty display are probably not Times subscribers.

The bad news is that like everyone else in the world, they're probably about to lose their jobs, homes and savings if they haven't already. Meaning even a weekend in Weston-Super-Mud or Whitley Bay is going to be beyond the budget, let alone The Arabian Effluent Experience.

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"Dens of prostitution"

2009-01-13T15:14:00.002+04:00

Possibly not putting himself in line to win one of DTCM's 2009 Excellence in Journalism awards, Yusuf Abdulla tells it like it is:

"There is also another side to Dubai’s booming market. Most large hotels are little more than dens of prostitution. Hotels are permitted to issue guest permits to bring people from outside. In order to attract customers, many hotels bring girls from Central Asia, Russia, Romania and Western Europe. These girls are provided free accommodation in the hotel for three months while they are expected to service hotel guests. Each hotel has a club where girls enter for free while men must pay 100 dirhams. Alcohol is available and consumed in large quantities. Customers come to these clubs to pick up foreign girls. It has been pointed out to the authorities in Dubai that they are sitting on a time bomb. Girls with such loose moral character are likely to be infected with the AIDS virus. There are already reports of AIDS spreading among the local population because of the behavior of emirati men who then infect their wives."

Interesting how the "girls" are the ones accused of "loose moral character". Not the pimps and slavers that traffic them to Dubai. Nor the hotels who act as brothelmasters. Nor their clients. Or even the unnamed people who "expect" them to provide this service.

An interesting choice of nationalities too. Along with Russia and the CIS: Eastern Europe, Morocco, Africa and China would be more like it.

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From denial to the Nile

2009-01-03T19:26:00.001+04:00

A new year dawns, and with it some big changes for Lola LebCan. After many happy years in Sheikh Zayed Road's prestigious Orifice Towers building, Dubai's PR queen is being forced to pack her bags. Either that, or have thousands of labourers gaze at her naked splendour in the shower every morning as the new Dubai Metro whizzes right past her window.

But like many long-term expats, Dubai has palled for Lola. The once-glittering heights of SZR's skyscrapers are but dusty glass. The glamourous sandlands social whirl is a shallow chore. There is no joy, no inspiration and the city, Lola says, is "soulless". She has even swapped karaoke at Harry Ghatto's for this festive lament:

Deck the malls with discount banners
Fallah-lalala-lala-lala

‘tis the season to sell your hummers
Fallah-lalala-lala-lala

Donning now your old pyjamas
Fallah-lalala-lala-lala

Join the bankrupt Jumeira mamas
Fallah-lalala-lala-lalaaaa*

Two years ago, Lola fled to Egypt for sanctuary. She now plans to seek the healing waters of the Nile once more and work on her Masri twang. Plus there are around 40 million men in Egypt, compared to just 2.5 million in the UAE.

*(c) Lola LebCan 2008

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Time to jail another "adulteress"

2008-12-29T13:09:00.003+04:00

With property prices plummeting and the boom finally bursting, it's nice that Dubai can shift headlines away from its economic meltdown by jailing another expat for "adultery":

A British mother faces jail in Dubai after being convicted of adultery.

Marnie Pearce fears she may never see her two sons again. She insists she is innocent and that it is her ex-husband who cheated on her.

Miss Pearce, 40, claims she was framed by Egyptian Ihab El-Labban so he could win custody of their children, Laith, seven and Ziad, three.

This has to be the best bit:

She was found guilty of adultery in a Dubai court last month after being denied the opportunity to represent herself.

Any woman living in the Middle East should know by now that if you marry a Muslim man, except in exceedingly rare circumstances, you lose the children in the event of divorce. It doesn't matter why your marriage failed or whether you are Muslim yourself. Hopefully of course a marriage wouldn't break down in the first place, or a couple would at least be mature and decent enough to work out a shared custody arrangement.

But if not and it goes to the courts, it's the man who gets custody nearly every time. This is because the UAE applies Sharia law, generally from the Hanbali school, which it has every right to do. You do, however, as an expat, have the right not to visit there, live there, or invest there.

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Twitter time

2008-12-05T12:23:00.000+04:00

Three tasty Twitter options for Dubai news alerts:

#secretdubai
This tweets links to new posts on Secret Dubai diary. It will also be used to tweet links to select interesting articles about Dubai and the UAE.

#uaecommunity
This tweets links to new posts on UAE Community blog.

#dubaifeed
This retweets any Twitter entries containing the terms "Dubai" "Abu Dhabi" or "UAE".

Etihad to take over Emirates?

2008-12-01T01:33:00.003+04:00

According to The Times, Abu Dhabi is demanding control of Emirates in return for a multi billion dollar bailout:

"The emirate, which is ruled by the Al Maktoum family, has been hit hard by the credit crunch. Its property market, in which many of the big players are state-owned or backed, has enjoyed explosive growth over the last decade but prices are now tumbling, leaving heavily indebted developers badly exposed.

"Government sources in Dubai confirmed last week that talks had begun with Abu Dhabi, which has huge oil and gas reserves, about funding. Rather than ploughing cash into the Dubai state, Abu Dhabi has offered to invest in its neighbour’s strategic assets.

"The airline alone is estimated to be worth about £10 billion and selling a stake in it could generate enough cash to prop up much of Dubai’s economy."

Etihad already bills itself as "the national airline of the UAE". A national airline that doesn't, admittedly, actually fly to the biggest, busiest, most famous city in the UAE if not the entire Gulf. But it soon will if Sheikh Ahmed and his aircraft end up as the sacrificial virgins for Dubai's Big Bubble Burst.

Both airlines deny any merger plans. But given the rapid consolidation taking place in the rest of the aviation industry, having two of the world's fastest growing airlines based in the same tiny country makes increasingly less sense. Certainly plenty of pilots think a closer relationship is on the cards.

Xanadu Atlantis

2008-11-22T02:49:00.001+04:00

In Jumeirah did Big Sheikh Mo
A massive great hotel decree
Where streams of sacred sewage ran
Through beaches uninhabitable by man
Down to a polluted sea

So twice five dozen top celebs
Did mingle with the local plebs
And there were fireworks bright with flashing stars
Apparently they could be seen from Mars
The only ones that didn't party or rave
Were some newly captured Pacific dolphin slaves

A sheikh with a kandoora
In a vision once he saw
It was an Abyssinian maid
Overworked and poorly paid

And with fireworks loud and grand
He did build that Dubailand
That massive mall! Those slopes of ice!
And we all thought them very nice
But all should cry, Beware! Beware!
This sandy land is not so fair
And now financial storm clouds grow
It might be time to pack and go
For we on honey-dew hath fed
It's time for some real life instead

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Tragic Tale of the Tomato Plant

2008-11-10T14:42:00.001+04:00

One of the rarest books in Dubai is not Robin Moore's notorious bonkbuster but a tome known best among Jumeirah Janes of the Golden Era, when British expat wives could actually afford to live in spacious seaside villas, do nothing but shop and beautify all day, and employ half the subcontinent to wait upon them.

Gardening in the Gulf was published in 1990 but has been inexplicably out of print for years, despite Dubai's population boom. Now the local weather is cooling but the wider world is global warming, ones thoughts naturally turn to green stuff and gardening and becoming self-sufficient before the sea levels rise and the final volcanic tsunami apocalypse swallows us all. Unless we're camping in the Hajjars that day.

A few years ago one of the local newspapers had an inspirational feature on an Indian couple living in Sharjah who grew vegetables on their city-centre balcony. They used grow-bags, and had huge great harvests of tomatoes and peppers and so on, all thanks to the 365 days of heat and sunshine enjoyed in the sandlands.

By a marvellous coincidence, on a trip to the Dubai Garden Centre not long after, there was one tiny tomato plant left for sale by the till. At that time the garden centre was new,and the only one in Dubai, except for that CITES black hole of Al Hudaiba Street in Satwa. "Plant Street" with pink bougainvillea outside every shop and caged, half-dead endangered wildlife on sale within. If they ever find a living Tasmanian Tiger again, it won't be deep in the Antipodean rainforest. It will be in Satwa.

Anyway with great pride, the new leafy acquisition was set on a sunny corner of the verandah outside Cell Block G. It promised to be the start of a whole new revolution of vegetable growing - a mini market garden that would make Spinneys defunct and bring The Good Life to 21st century Jebel Ali.

But in just a couple of days the tomato plant had developed a score of rots, blights, cankers, diseases and pests. This in itself was something of a miracle, given there were no other plants within about ten metres, save for three palms with their leaves still trussed up. The small solanum struggled, and withered, and died. And with it died all further dreams of self-sufficiency in the Southern Gulf.

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Paris Hilton Towers

2008-11-04T16:43:00.001+04:00

Just when we all thought the property bubble was bursting, here comes Paris Hilton to save the day:

Dubai: Paris Hilton could be the latest in a constellation of stars to light up Dubai's property sector, in a possible $2 million (Dh7.3 million) deal with Abu Dhabi-based developer, Hydra Properties.

Hilton, who was famous before she was even born, will add a dash of desert glam to Dubai's celebrity skyline.

What with Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, Jim Davidson and half the English football team, no one can deny that Dubai is a classy place. For the Z-list.

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Dubai property bubble bursting

2008-10-15T02:39:00.001+04:00

"Welcome to Dubai Aromatic City: enjoy an exclusive lifestyle by the azure-brown waters of the Arabian Gulf, or take a dip in your villa's private cess-pool as you watch the rich rivers of effluent run down to the sea,"

Dubai is in the shit in more ways than one. Raw sewage flowing onto tourist beaches is foul enough, but fouler still would be a property sector meltdown:

Then, over the summer, Morgan Stanley issued a note which said that Dubai property prices would fall by 10% by 2010. Quite simply, there may not be enough demand for the wave of new property coming onto the market. To a society used to easy returns, this was a shock.

It's not actually a shock to anyone who bothered to do a few sums on a pocket calculator, as Matein Khalid did back in 2005. He predicted a glut by 2008, which a later report by EFG Hermes also indicated.

Moody's is also bearish: it believes that Dubai may have to borrow from Abu Dhabi or the federal UAE government (which is basically the same entity). The cost of insuring Dubai Holding's bonds have quadrupled since May.

Even Gulf News reports gloomy tidings from Colliers International and from Citi:

"In our view, there is legitimate concern the Dubai market is enduring a liquidity squeeze, witnessing macro-economic and credit deterioration in most of the countries from where its expat buyers hail, maturing from a regulatory perspective and seeing the beginnings of a shakeout of small developers," said an analyst in yesterday's Citi Research real estate report.

No wonder that 75% of Arabian Business readers wouldn't touch Gulf real estate with someone else's bargepole.

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The Maid's Tale

2008-10-10T11:09:00.002+04:00

A domestic worker in Dubai, "Jane", has given a testimony of her job and life. It's republished below, slightly edited for punctuation:

"Hi.. I worked in JUMEIRA as a DH.. for 4 years and 5 months.. to a good arab family.. I dont have any comments for them because they are so good to me. They don't look at me as a maid but as a sister to them.. but some of the agencies are taking for granted about the salary.. they get some extra.. which is.. that extra is a big help for our family.

"The problem is... some of the employers.. same my employer are abusing me, like they don't even tell me, if I eat or no? Because they want me to stay all the time with the kids, or tell me to go and sleep just for 30 minutes. You know 5 minutes closing my eyes it's like 1 day of sleeping for me, or I can't even go to the bathroom leaving the children because they are just very busy of talking the phone from morning until evening. Instead, I would find way, how to go and make a release.

"Or I went to some places which is so class or social places without changing my clothes for the reason that she forget to tell me, while I'm so shy and felt embarassed with my kabayan. You know, just uttering those simple words without action is very hard for them while they're doing nothing. Working from 6:00am to 11:pm, sometimes 2:00am or 3:00am is optional when have parties or weddings. Tell me, who is not tired of working and can't have even a nap just for a minutes.

"They know that I am good and I do all the works and taking care of children is really important which is the big factor for them. And they don't even want to find another until I become old. I'm talking about my efforts, they took out from me because they think I'm always ok even they saw me with their eyes that I'm tired everytime.

"They don't mind me because they think they gave me good salaries which is 700Dhs. for 4 years and 5 months without day-off. And I spent with my own money buying those necessary things even they knew that it is their obligations to buy for us. What you expect from it? How much is left from my salary? As long as they can get benefits from me.. they don't mind me at all.. just because I'm so good to them while they are taking for granted.

"Mostly, the problem with arab people are being a LAZY. Machines will sometimes not function or shutdown reading all the datas, how much more the human?"

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Kylie UAE terror plot

2008-09-29T13:06:00.003+04:00

There could surely be no source in the world more reliable or well-informed than the greatly respected Daily Star newspaper, so Kylie Minogue may want to consider wearing a kevlar miniskirt when she performs at the Atlantis in November:

Spies have reportedly uncovered a terror plot involving Kylie Minogue's forthcoming gig in the United Arab Emirates.

According to the Daily Star, British spies are investigating a threat to the concert, which is scheduled to take place at the opening of the Atlantis Hotel in Dubai on November 20.

"We believe terrorists may be planning to carry out attacks in the United Arab Emirates," a British Embassy spokesperson is quoted as saying.

"Attacks could be indiscriminate and could happen at any time, including in places frequented by expatriates and foreign travellers."

Meanwhile, journalists who long ago sold their souls for free "seven star" hospitality are raving about the wonders of the sandlands' latest superhotel.

Longer time expats sadly remember the days when one could sit among the shady palms on the Ritz Carlton beach, with no cranes lighting up the night sky behind and before. The days when the sea was a black infinity lit only by the moon, not by the garish concrete splendour of endless Palm Islands and skyscrapers.

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Abu Dhabi Annabels

2008-09-14T16:40:00.001+04:00

From the people that brought you Jumeirah Janes - welcome to the Abu Dhabi Annabels:

"After eight years in the idyllic French countryside, my husband, Rupert, and I decided it was time for a change. We wanted a taste of city life and a new experience for the children before they turned totally French. So, when we were offered work on a newspaper in Abu Dhabi, we accepted.

"I begin every day on the beach. And so do the children: Olivia, 9, Bea, 7, and Leo, 5. They go to a kids’ club where they are entertained with everything from swimming to tennis to (unbelievably) ice-skating. By nine o’clock, it is already hot and sunny. So, after a visit to the gym, my husband and I go for a swim. We head out into the Persian Gulf from the beach at the British Club (where else?)".

Christ on an old rusty bicycle wheeled around Jebel Ali in the searing heat by some ill-paid subcon labourer.

"The only acceptable place we have viewed (great location: next to the city’s only Marks & Spencer) is the size of our sitting room and kitchen back in France. It has a tiny view of the sea if you crane your neck, a sitting room, kitchen, two bathrooms and three bedrooms. Olivia declares it “too small” and demands that we move our farmhouse out here."

"Olivia" is nine years old. "Bea" is only seven, yet so precocious that she already has an in depth understanding of ~~whingeing for sheikhly favours~~ wasta:

“We can’t stay here,” says Bea. “We must go and see a sheikh and ask him for somewhere to live.”

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Dubai secrets

2008-09-07T16:03:00.001+04:00

Time Out has published an interesting feature about Dubai's 50 best secrets - which are presumably no longer secret now they've made it to print. They include:

1. Dubai’s very best hot chocolate
The hot chocolate at the Avalanche Cafe, Ski Dubai is suprisingly good. It's one of the rare instances where whipped cream actually enhances the drink. Partly because it looks like snow, partly because it acts as a useful platform for the M&Ms. But for more interesting flavours, try the hot chocolate cafe in Abu Dhabi's Marina Mall.

2. Historic Dubai
The archaeological site in Jumeirah. It's probably easier and more informative to visit Dubai museum though. And more comfortable, given the air conditioning.

3. Garhoud Plant Souk
This is a great place to buy plants, and much cheaper than the Dubai Garden Centre place on Sheikh Zayed Road. The ideal place to buy your bougainvillea barricade to keep the peeping toms out. (Interesting note: if you never water bougainvillea, it dies. If you water it too much, it dies. Sometimes it just dies anyway).

4. House of Prose
A great secondhand bookshop. And while they will buy back books for half price, they always seem to be overwhelmed with stock, so they're unlikely to buy everything you bring them if you're having a clear out. It's also a good place to gauge how crap a recent novel is, by the stacks of copies rejected by Jumeirah Janes in the discount shelf.

5. Indoor rainforest
At the Grand Hyatt just before Garhoud Bridge. Just don't try to get there in rush hour. The problem is with this one is that it's high budget only if you want to have a drink. However the deli-cafe there has some interesting imported goods, even if you do need to have your own oil well to be able to afford them.

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Sheikha Pamela

2008-08-14T15:20:00.003+04:00

Not content with building an eco-hotel in Abu Dhabi, former Baywatch star Pamela Anderson is now planning to become Queen of the UAE. Or at least a princess:

Anderson has been quietly seeing a man from the United Arab Emirates. And he's not just any man—the dude is a member of Abu Dhabi's royal family, a source exclusively tells me.

Apparently the happy couple have been spotted hanging out in a gay bar in West Hollywood and Pamela "usually refers to him by a pet name: Milk-Sheik, or Milk for short."

Perhaps Pamela has been reading too many sheikhly romance novels. Either way, her red Baywatch bikini should brighten up the new thousand-dirham notes, or look great on UAE postage stamps.

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Abu Dhabi Baywatch

2008-08-01T19:30:00.002+04:00

What's more absurd?

1. Playboy-model-come-home-porn-star Pamela Anderson wants to build a hotel in a conservative Islamic emirate

2. She plans to build a zero-fossil-fuel eco-friendly hotel in one of the biggest carbon-chugging nations in the world

Pamela Anderson wants to open a hotel in Abu Dhabi, say reports.

The former Playboy model is planning to develop her own eco-friendly resort in the country.

"I'm building a hotel there," she is quoted as saying. "It's environmentally friendly.

"I went there with the Make A Wish Foundation and met some great people there, and the royal family was really friendly."

Perhaps she can bring her Baywatch buddies round to fan those friendly sheikhs with date palm fronds as they swelter in her un-airconditioned, electricity-free, "kind-to-the-earth" resort.

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Expat wives

2008-07-31T15:13:00.001+04:00

The intro says it all:

"Jennifer plays a wife whose husband moved the family to Africa, who was used to a relaxed, laid-back lifestyle, whilst Dawn plays a woman who lives in the United Arab Emirates, and is used to a nouveau-riche lifestyle just treating the locals with a racist stereotype."

Scroll forward about three minutes in for the real gems in this French & Saunders video. A sample:

"Pete... went off to a goat grab at Abdul's. And do you know what a goat grab is, Margaret? Have you heard of that at all? They all sit around all the men with big plates of rice and they just grab for bits of goat to eat. With their rights hands obviously because they wipe their bums with their left hands.

"What else can I tell you about the culture out there? Well, don't try to go into a church or a temple or whatever they call them in a bikini. So I did try and they wouldn't let me in. This bloke stopped me and I said: "I don't know what's wrong with you Abdullahwallah or whatever your name is, if it's because I've got my shoes on I will take them off." But he wouldn't let me in."

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Murder at the Marina

2008-07-30T11:46:00.002+04:00

What a tragic life and what a very sad end to it:

Dubai: A Lebanese singing star was found stabbed to death in her Dubai Marina apartment.

Suzan Abdul Sattar Tamim was also disfigured by her attacker. Dubai Police said the 31-year-old singer was stabbed several hours before her body was discovered.

The singer had apparently disappeared for many months before her death. Another strange mystery for Dubai police to solve.

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The Yorkie Bars are on me!

2008-07-20T16:13:00.001+04:00

So much for the big clean up at Bur Dubai's notorious York Hotel a couple of years ago - it's clearly back to its full, swinging glory:

"Nowhere is more sickeningly emblematic of the country's seedy new underbelly than the bar at the downtown York International Hotel - a squalid cauldron that should shame any civilised society, let alone one so devoutly Islamic. As the overhead TVs show bloody, noholds barred fighting contests, and music throbs deafeningly, a veritable United Nations of prostitutes - Chinese, Ethiopian, Russian, Nigerian - barter their services."

Well, at least it's more evidence of Dubai's wonderful multiculturalism. Sex in every ethnic flavour.

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Heartbroken Hotels

2008-07-07T13:59:00.001+04:00

Dubai hotel occupancy has reportedly plummeted this summer. Which is sad, because as any long-term sandlander knows, the best time in the Gulf is summer. It's a daily wrestling match with the searing white tiger of the Gulf sun amid blanket-thick humidity, while one enjoys the sight of newcomers and tourists wilting and collapsing all around. But the disappointing absence of the latter this year has led Kipp Report to wonder if the emirate has finally been "rumbled"?

"General opinion suggests the situation could be a combination of factors, some external - like the globally depressed economic scenario and higher cost of flights thanks to spiralling oil prices - but there is a nagging suspicion the city has been rumbled: strained infrastructure, choked roads, few transport options, ugly cranes and little to do beyond malls."

And as Kipp notes, Thomson Holidays - the top ranked UK travel agency website - only recommends one destination in the Middle East...

...Israel.

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Overheard at the Hiltonia

2008-06-20T14:40:00.003+04:00

It's alright - emergency over - everyone can come out from their concrete bunkers and air raid shelters. Because that recent terror warning from the British Government turns out to be just a misheard chat between two drunk blokes in a pub:

A diplomatic source said the warning was issued based on a personal conversation between the two Arab men in the Hemingway bar in the Hiltonia Hotel in Abu Dhabi. The bar is frequented by hundreds of Britons and Americans.

One drunk man told the other in jest: "If someone wants to scare all these people and make them run away, just say there is a bomb. A belt bomb will kill hundreds of them."

The source said it is believed that Britons sitting near the men overheard the conversation and thought it was serious.

What a relief! Because as everyone knows, foreign governments routinely post overheard inebriated pub chatter as Official Terror Warnings. Thank god for the rapid ~~propaganda~~ amendments from the local UAE press to ~~suppress~~ sort everything out!

Meanwhile the high alert warning remains on the UK Foreign Office website. One would think they might consider amending their own website before tipping off Gulf News.

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UAE terror alert

2008-06-17T00:59:00.003+04:00

So the sandlands are now on a "high risk" terror alert, but what does that really mean? Don't go to nightclubs? Avoid cinemas? Avoid fellow infidels? Don't go to church?

BBC Security correspondent Frank Gardner quotes British officials as saying the information comes from a number of sensitive sources and they are working hard with the Emirati authorities to address it.

"There is a high threat from terrorism," an official travel advice notice for the country said. "We believe terrorists may be planning to carry out attacks in the UAE."

The threat of terror has always been a large sinister bear in the woodshed for Dubai's growing tourism industry. The challenge faced by the Dishdashes-That-Be is how to keep up the safe image while not being seen to misinform the public or create disproportionate fear.

Traditionally terror threats in Dubai are met with media blackouts. Anyone remember the possible attempt on a church in Karama in 2005? It took place the same night this deadly bomb went off at a hall in Qatar, amid threats by some splinter terror group that they were targeting churches. We'll never know if there was a genuine attempt in Dubai: chances were it could have been a drunken driver careering badly onto the pavement nearby. Everything was cleared up, hushed up and blotted out.

We can only hope that these shadowy threats remain potential, and that the so far extremely effective UAE anti-terror authorities continue their good work. It is significant that there has been no major incident in the UAE in the past years, while regionally and internationally there have been continued Qaeda-inpsired murders of innocents.

Londoners got straight back on the tube after the attacks there. And that is what sandlanders must do, in their own fashion. The minute one starts living in fear and restricting ones own freedoms, then the extremists have already won.

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iPhone iMoan

2008-06-12T15:21:00.001+04:00

Unsurprisingly, since it didn't get the first model nor is there even an official Apple presence here, the UAE is not getting the 3G iPhone. More surprisingly, in fact absolutely absurd to the point of wanting to gouge ones own brain out with a rusty spork after reading it, is the TRA's claim that it is rejecting the iPhone, rather than Steve Jobs not giving the first toss about them (or probably even knowing the UAE exists):

Dubai: The iPhone will not see an official UAE launch as long as it wants to be made available through one telecom operator exclusively, an official at the Telecoms Regulatory Authority has said.

An exclusivity contract for the iPhone that etisalat was seeking has been rejected by the TRA, Gulf News has learned.

The spokesperson for the TRA, Rasheed Joumblatt, refused to confirm this but warned that all exclusivity contracts will be rejected "regardless of which operator applies".

Yes, it's the admirable Rasheed Joumblatt, that melodious mouthpiece-of-Al Ghanem who was educated at the American University but just can't get his head around the concept of freedom of speech. Or simple facts. Or the truth. A reality check for Mr Joumblatt:

1. Apple is not insisting on single operator exclusivity contracts. In many counties it is offered through multiple operators.

2. The UAE had one of the worst monopoly telco sectors in the world. It now has a duopoly so monopolistic in nature that it may as well be a conjoined twin. Both du and etishite are owned and misrun by the Federal government.

But hey, at least one person is thrilled by Mr Joumblatt's valiant stance - Aboud from Abu Dhabi: "Bravo UAE for not agreeing to Apple's terms."

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Burj base jumper

2008-06-12T12:12:00.002+04:00

This has to be the best two grand ever spent:

Dubai: A British skydiver who jumped off Burj Dubai's 150th floor with a parachute strapped to his back has been fined Dh2,000.

Meanwhile, a French skydiver was slapped a similar fine after the security guards stopped him at the 24th floor before he reached Burj Dubai's rooftop and jumped with a parachute.

Punters would probably stump up twice that for a legal dive off the Deathspire. And this guy holds the crown of being the first to base the Burj - for just 2k.

Certainly a new and lucrative angle for DTCM to explore.

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Dubai Transvestite City

2008-05-26T13:12:00.002+04:00

Located on The World's Isle of Lesbos, Dubai Transvestite City will be a mecca for cross-dressers, drag queens and assorted trannies, safely away from the somewhat less than enlightened eye of Dubai Police chief Lt Gen Dahi Khalfan Tamim:

"Dubai Police have made up their mind to tackle this problem strictly. Any man who dresses up and behaves like a woman in public or vice versa will be legally questioned and legal action will be taken against him," Dahi said.

What is to blame for this huge surge in "indecent" behaviour? Lt Gen Tamim blames coeducation: "I think studying in a mixed environment is the reason behind the increase in this problem. " Just last week, two ladies of lesbian persuasion were herded into Al Slammer for alleged fairy-flossing on a public beach:

Dubai: Two women who were standing trial for kissing and cuddling on a public beach have been sentenced to one a month prison term followed by deportation.

The women, a 30-year-old Lebanese visitor and 36-year-old Bulgarian employee, had pleaded not guilty to kissing, cuddling and sleeping on each other like a married couple before the Dubai Court of Misdemeanour.

No wonder Time Out Dubai doesn't have the gay entertainment section featured in other world editions of the magazine. The sad thing is that at least where transgender people are concerned, other supposedly more zealously Islamic nations such as Iran are far more tolerant than the UAE. In Iran it is actually possible to get transgender surgery and be fully recognised with an amended birth certificate and passport - more progressive in fact than many western nations.

Anyway the upshot is that anyone of non straight married monogamous vanilla persuasion is best off avoiding Dubai, unless the thrill of being able to do something "illicit" (but boringly legal in their own country) is some kind of draw. And the thrilling prospect of a longer, paid holiday at the UAE government's very own seven star Al Wathba hotel.

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"Beware Benidorm"

2008-05-16T13:25:00.002+04:00

Most tourists are initially blown away by Dubai and the veneer of glitz and opulence that "seven star" hotels, extensive service (cheap third world labour) and various world-first-megaprojects are able to supply. But The Economist has a warning for developing countries hoping to grab the tourism dollar. They note the example of Spain, which ravaged much of its beautiful Mediterranean coastline into a concrete hell:

"The question planners in these new markets should ask themselves is where they want tourism in their country to be in 20 years. At the moment tourists from emerging markets have their own tastes. Russians like two weeks on a sunny beach, wild parties and lots of retail therapy. The Chinese prefer urban travel to sea and sand. People from the Gulf states travel in big families and require halal food. Yet, with the progress of economic prosperity they will probably become more like Europeans and Americans, who want scenery, a decent environment and a smattering of history and culture. If you destroy your heritage and scenery, you will come to regret it."

The issue with a tourism-based economy is that it depends on mass tourism, and critically, repeat mass tourism. So who is likely to come to Dubai, and who is likely to keep coming? As a speculation:

Annual visitors: regional Arabs, property owners, families of expats, European "Benidorm" demographic

One-off/occasionals: wealthy subcons, friends of expats, more discerning Europeans, rich Chinese, rich Africans, Russians

Won't come: poorer subcons (ie the vast majority), poorer Chinese (ditto), poorer Africans (ditto), Americans, Israelis

As well as this, Dubai faces several major tests:

1. Ramadan 2008+
From this year, Ramadan starts to coincide with European school holidays. That means a massive overhaul of food-in-public laws are needed. No way will places like Dubailand be able to ban food from dawn till dusk; it seems increasingly unlikely that popular tourist-frequented malls such as Mall of the Emirates will either. And curtained cafes won't suffice: children will need to be able to walk around eating ice creams in broad daylight if they so wish. And booze will need to be on sale at every hotel all day long. If you want the mass tourism dollar, this is how you must prostitute your culture. Mass tourists smoke, drink, shag and often behave offensively. You can't expect them to behave like a coach load of trappist nuns if you want their money.

2. Rising costs
Soaring food and oil costs are hurting people worldwide. Dubai is a long haul destination for pretty much everyone: it is always going to be more expensive to sun-sand-sea in the UAE than in Spain if you're European, Goa if you're Indian, the Gold Coast if you're Australian, and so on. With so many destinations all over the world, cost will start to become a more critical factor than convenience and familiarity.

3. Competition
Specifically regional competition. What you get in Dubai is pretty much identical to what you get in Doha or Abu Dhabi: the same "seven star" hotels, the same perma-sunny weather, the same "tax free" shopping, the same mega malls and world-first developments. Dubai currently has an edge, but this may not always be the case.

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Parlez-vous Arabic?

2008-04-25T00:00:00.001+04:00

Dubai@Random explains why a good working knowledge of Arabic - or at least an honest and reliable translator - can be vital for doing business in the sandlands:

"Farook asked me to join him for coffee to look over the English of a contract he'd drawn up. He wanted to be sure that the English was OK. In a way, this makes Farook more honest than a lot of people I've met in Dubai, who prepare a contract with a quite reasonable English version and a quite unreasonable Arabic version, and rely on the fact that, in a UAE court, the English has absolutely no standing.

"I should mention that, in the West, if the contract were in English and Arabic, and an Arab who'd been cheated showed that the Arabic was completely different from the English, the court might declare the contract null and void. Or it might not, deciding that English is the language of the land. But here, under the law, if the English and Arabic are completely different, it doesn't matter, only the Arabic counts."

Farook is an absolutely fascinating character, it is well worth going through D@R's archives to read more of his adventures.

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The Lulu mermaid

2008-04-23T02:02:00.001+04:00

Sadly, Abu Dhabi's greatest contribution yet to cryptozoology and marine biology is just an email hoax according to Gulf News. An cyber-missive is circulating showing pictures of an apparent mermaid found on Lulu Island:

The Environmental Agency-Abu Dhabi, in a statement issued to Gulf News said: "Mermaids do not exist and never have done according to scientific record.

"They are mythological so it would be impossible to have a real mermaid. The photograph is clearly a hoax."

Given her looks the Lulu mermaid is going to need an exceptionally beautiful voice to lure any dhow-sailors onto the rocks. She'd have far a better career chance as an extra in Doctor Who than as a seductive sea siren.

Next week: Dubai Scientists Discover World's First and Largest Yeti in Hatta. Stay tuned.

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The Grand National

2008-04-17T21:19:00.001+04:00

A new newspaper, the Abu Dhabi-based The National, has entered the sandlands media scene. There is already plenty of comment on it, from praise to scorn.

But the inescapable fact is that no matter how sparkling the prose or spectacular the photography, a "news" publication can only go so far in a regime of severe media oppression. The fact that the UAE government bans blogs that are "critical" of it speaks for itself: how pathetic and contemptible that some of the richest and most powerful people on earth can't take a little dissent. So The National is about as likely to push the envelope as Sheikh Khalifa is to move to Sonapur.

Perhaps the kindest interpretation of The National is as a kind of landlubbing in-flight magazine for Abu Dhabi. We learn that Abu Dhabi is a magical place (isn't magic illegal in the UAE?) and how praiseworthy the UAE military is, and how preservation-worthy the UAE national identity is, and how failed reviled liar former British prime minister Tony Blair is silver-tongueing a few sheikhly backsides, but does anyone really care?

The truth of The National is that it is an Abu Dhabi government-owned, Abu Dhabi government-funded, Abu Dhabi government-run, Abu Dhabi government-promoting Abu Dhabi rag. It may be well-written and an interesting read for that. But that doesn't make it a news publication of international calibre, which given the quality of its staff is very sad.

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A "Jumeirah pillow"

2008-04-08T00:45:00.003+04:00

What is the best way to get that extra special touch of personal room service when staying at a five star hotel? All is revealed in an article about the Jumeirah Carlton Tower:

Just in case you need to know, there’s a coded way to ask for a prostitute. You phone the concierge and say: “Can I have another pillow?” This is embarrassing, because my wife is quite partial to an extra pillow. Which means I’ve often called down and asked for a prostitute to help her sleep. Having said that, they’ve only ever sent a pillow. Which is probably for the best.

The writer of the article also finds plenty of call girls in the bar of Jumeirah's London property. Clearly a wonderful consistency of brand values across the portfolio.

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David Ditches Dubai

2008-04-07T00:44:00.001+04:00

Perhaps this is actually the latest greatest marketing campaign by Dubai Tourism: instead of positioning the emirate as a glitzy hub for Z-list celebrities, has-beens, and never-weres, it find a new and unique niche as a hub for the parents of nonentity wannabes:

BIG-HEARTED David Beckham is gifting his £8million Dubai mansion to wife Victoria's parents.

The England soccer star has handed the keys to the waterfront villa—set on an exclusive palm-shaped artificial island—to delighted in-laws Tony and Jackie Adams.

A source close to the 32-year-old player, who is now with American side LA Galaxy, revealed: "David realised he was not going to be able to spend any time in Dubai.

"He's got his commitments in Los Angeles and it's a long trip, especially when he still has to spend a lot of time in London.

Apparently Becks says he may visit, but "at the moment that seems quite unlikely because they're so busy". Never mind. Colleen and Wayne Rooney are still known to drop by, and you don't get much more glittering and glamourous than that. In Dubai anyway.

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The Actual World

2008-04-01T08:34:00.007+04:00

Forget Saudi Arabia's mile-high architectural phallus, set to be twice the height of the Deathspire, Dubai has yet again trumped its neighbours:

Dubai to build The Actual World

Tues 1 Apr, 2008 1:23 AM GMT

DUBAI, 1 April (Reuters) - Faced with lukewarm celebrity interest in its The World artificial islands project, Dubai has decided to build The Actual World.

The multi-trillion dollar mega-project, believed to be largest in the known universe, will see a scale replica of the entire Earth rebuilt on the planet Mars.

The Red Planet was recently acquired by Dubai Holdings as part of its property portfolio diversification strategy.

Sheikh Jamal Abu Shagara, CEO of The Actual World, says a deal has already been signed with a Norwegian company to build a 250 million mile irrigation pipe to transfer water from the Arabian Gulf to Mars.

"We are also in talks with several companies to design the landmasses," Sheikh Jamal said.

"We plan to make The Actual World as exact a replica as possible, but Illegal Zionist Occupying Nations will be removed since they are blocked due to being inconsistent with the religious, cultural, policital and moral values of the United Arab Emirates," he said.

In an interesting twist The Actual World will be built with the climate of the Miocene era, when the United Arab Emirates was covered with rich jungle and mammoths, tigers and various dinosaurs roamed freely around.

The decision to backdate the climate is good news for the animals at Dubai Zoo.

After decades of overcrowding, the elderly lions and bears will be able to roam free in the hunting grounds and private menageries of luxury villas in The Actual World.

The announcement of the project has already excited interest in the subcontinent, where prospective labourers are putting up their wives and children as collateral against middlemen-loans for the $250,000 space flight and visa fees.

"This is considerable money compared to the $10,000 we pay to work in Sonapur," Bangladeshi labourer Shamsil told reporters.

"But on The Actual World we will be able to earn Dh500 a month minus food, accommodation, visa fees, fines, medical treatment and travel expenses, compared to the Dh400 we earn now."

© Reuters 2008. All Rights Reserved.

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Robes of justice

2008-03-26T16:54:00.001+04:00

As promised back in January, by Justice Minister Mohammad Bin Nakhira Al Daheri, the laws has been amended to allow women on the UAE bench:

Abu Dhabi: The emirate of Abu Dhabi has appointed its first ever female judge, WAM reported.

The appointment of Khuloud Ahmad Al Dhaheri as a judge in the court of first instance was announced in a decree issued by His Highness Shaikh Khalifa Bin Zayed Al Nahyan,
President of the UAE, Supreme Commander of the UAE Armed Forces and Ruler of Abu Dhabi.

According to WAM she is the first ever female judge in the history of the UAE.

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The Golden Journey to Dubailand

2008-03-20T17:28:00.003+04:00

In tribute to James Elroy Flecker, who died well before his time.

At the Gate of National Paints Roundabout, Sharjah. Blazing humidity.

THE MERCHANTS
(Together)
Away, for we are ready to drive far!
Our camels sniff the traffic roaring by
Lead on, O Taxi Driver from Sharjah,
Lead on the Commuter-Pilgrims to Dubai.

THE CHIEF DRAPER
Have we not Carrefour rugs of nylon fine?
Cheap shalwars for a worker's salary
And Versace of Karama design,
And keffiyahs from Al Jaber Gallery?

THE CHIEF GROCER
We have shawarmas, we have shish kebabs,
Hummous and pickles ready for our meal,
And Umm Ali in great big sloppy slabs
And chocolate-coated dates bought from Bateel

THE PRINCIPAL JOURNALISTS:
And we have newspapers of Tecom style
By weary expat hacks; we have words
And adjectives and adverbs to beguile
And turgid press releases for the herds

THE MASTER OF THE CARAVAN
But you are nothing but a load of hacks

PRINCIPAL JOURNALIST
Sir, even dogs have daylight, and they paid us cash in brown envelopes.

MASTER OF THE CARAVAN
But who are ye in rags and rotten shoes,
You blue-boilersuited, blocking up the way?

ISHAK
We are the labourers, master; we shall work
Always a little longer; it may be
Fifty degrees in shade but we won't shirk
High up our scaffolding beside the sea,

Sharing a dirty squat in Sonapur
Unpaid and weary in the endless sand
Every day another to endure
Building the Golden City of Dubailand

HASSAN
Sweet to drive out from Sharjah every morn
When gridlock is gigantic on the sand,
And loudly through the traffic honk the horn
Along the Golden Road to Dubailand.

ISHAK
We surf the internet in the free zone;
For blocks and bans are more than we can stand:
For lust of knowing what should not be known,
We bypass the Golden Proxy of Dubailand

MASTER OF THE CARAVAN
Open the gate, O watchman of the bachelor-free apartment block!

THE WATCHMAN
Ho, sandlanders, I open. For what land
Leave you this dim city of no delight?

MERCHANTS
(With a shout)
We take the Golden Road to Dubailand!

Comments

Rolling stones

2008-03-18T16:48:00.000+04:00

Dubai's most thrilling legal saga rocks on, with the billion dirham bulletproof onyx now on trial in the Court of Appeal. The stone's owner is willing to take a bullet to prove his magic pebble is effective:

"I am willing to prove to the world that it's a bulletproof onyx stone... I am ready to face a death sentence if that's what will take me to prove that the stone is doubtlessly bulletproof... I didn't con anybody's money, but the police tricked me and filed a malicious case against me," the 52-year-old Yemeni dealer, Q.M., told the Dubai Appeals Court on Monday.

Meanwhile his defence lawyer hopes that modern science can prove the rock's miraculous nature:

"Defence lawyer Saeed Al Ghailani, of Saeed Al Ghailani Advocates and Legal Consultants, asked the Appeal's Court judge to assign a physics expert or Dubai police's criminal laboratory to test the stone and decide whether it contains any electromagnetic powers which deviates the bullet before it hits the stone wearer."

Any test-tube waggling white-bearded boffins out there willing to take up this challenging experiment? Sadly Wikipedia, the usual source of all necessary human knowledge, isn't much help in this instance.

The Village Voice

2008-03-14T16:56:00.002+04:00

A heated debate is taking place on Dubai Media Observer over Dubai's media freedoms and human rights and so forth, which it seems worthwhile to respond to.

Part of the problem in Dubai is that far too many senior officials have no perspective when it comes to local press versus international coverage. They have a very "village green" attitude, and will obsess over a perceived impertinence in a local rag read predominantly by Jumeirah Janes and Tecom commuters while ignoring serious social and political problems that get picked up by global heavyweights such as the FT and the Economist.

Around the time of the 7Days=Satan era (when the paper quite innocently published an interview from AFP with Sheikh Khalifa, and the Arab papers - clearly acting out of spite or on official instructions - beat it up into some great "insult" to Khalifa when anyone with half a brain could see that 7Days was actually trying to suck up rather than offend) we held a media training session with officials from a supposedly world class international financial institution.

The aim was to coach them for international media, since what the FT and the Times and the WSJ print about Dubai is aeons more critical than what 7Days with its Lime Tree-Jumeirah Jane readership prints.

But these officials were simply obsessed with 7Days. They kept repeating: "but they cannot print these things". It's hard to be certain to this day if they even knew what "these things" were, if they had even (ever) read 7Days, just that it represented some huge nebulous insult to them according to the majilis grapevine.

No matter how much we tried to position 7Days to them as a very minor, "village gazette" style rag and emphasise the importance of having a wider perspective, these important, educated officials just couldn't see past their own garden fence. Dubai has so much self-importance contained in such a small village-style society that too many senior people - people who really matter for the country's future - are missing the bigger picture.

Part of the reason that the US ports decision was so stunning to many people here was because Dubai - like other upcoming cities, perhaps - believes its own hype to a dangerous extent. Dubai is not as much on people's radars as we as sandlanders are led to believe. Sure, people notice The Palm and the Deathspire but they don't think about it every day of their lives as they go about their business in Peterborough or Wisconsin. But the bad stuff: they remember that quite a bit more.

How many glitzy mega projects does it take to blot out a toddler camel jockey? How many World's Biggest Whatevers does it take to erase unpaid, indentured labour? It is impossible to say. But certainly more than Dubai has got at the moment.

So until the dishdashes-that-be understand the difference between 7Days posting an expat whinge about bad traffic in Barsha, and the New York Times printing 1000 words about human rights abuses, it is impossible to foresee any speedy or significant improvement to media standards or media freedoms in the UAE.

Sharjah purity test

2008-03-12T00:57:00.003+04:00

In the 1980s there was a popular UK sitcom called The Two of US starring Nicholas Lyndhurst and Janet Dibley as a couple who lived together. The comedy would be somewhat incomprehensible by today's more enlightened mores, but the entire source of the humour derived from the fact that the couple was "living in sin".

There's one place that The Two of Us would still create shock and awe: modern-day Sharjah. Along with supposedly gentle comedies such as Man About The House, How I Met Your Mother, Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place and even Frasier. Because police from the stone-age emirate are busy raiding "mixed-sex" housing. Note that this does not specifically mean couples, but any house-sharing arrangement with mixed gender flatmates and so on:

"The majority of shared apartments were in Al Majaz, Al Nahda, Abu Shagara and Al Mamzar.

"Shared villas were found to be dominant in low-cost Arab homes in Maysaloon, Al Nabba'a and Um Khanoor, which were mostly inhabited by Asians and Africans."

Those that can't resist the idea of having "Abu Shagara" as their address should first take the Sharjah Purity Test. Here's the female version:

SHARJAH PURITY TEST

1. Have you ever shared a car with: a male schoolfriend (-1) a male cousin (-1) your sister's husband (-1) your father's male cousin (-1) a male work colleage (-1) a male friend (-10) a male boyfriend (-100)

2. Have you ever gone to the mall wearing: knee-length shorts (-1) three-quarter length sleeves (-1) a t-shirt (-2) a tank top (-10) hotpants (-10) a crop top (-20) a bikini (-50) a thong bikini (-100)

3. Have you ever: drunk alcohol (-1); drunk alcohol without a licence (-5); bought alcohol from duty free (-5); bought alcohol from the Hole-in-the-Wall (-20)

4. Have you ever been in a private place, such as an office or hotel room, with: your male boss (-1); your male doctor (-1); your male cousin (-1); a male work client (-1); a male colleague (-1); a male schoolfriend (-1); your aunt's husband (-1); your fiancee (-50); your boyfriend (-100)

SCORING: 0 to -10: $3,000 fine; -11 to -50: six months in Al Slammer; -100+ stoning/beheading/deportation

Mall marriage

2008-03-07T00:03:00.001+04:00

It really is Mad March in the UAE: here's a newlywed groom abandoning his wife in an Abu Dhabi shopping mall and going home to sleep:

Apparently, the man only realised his folly when his mother asked where his wife was. He, then, rushed to the shopping mall to find his wife weeping, surrounded by curious onlookers. The hapless woman did not have the contact number of her husband nor the contact number of her in-laws.

However, after some heart-burning and arguments, followed by conciliation efforts by elderly people, the woman forgave her husband... and the couple are reportedly living happily ever after!

Wrong kind of "blow" job

2008-03-05T15:03:00.000+04:00

Sometimes a story is so exquisite that no further comment is necessary:

Dubai: Two lovers are standing trial for having an illicit relationship and exchanging blows after the man broke wind while in bed.

The Dubai Public Prosecution charged the Asian man with having consensual sex with his compatriot female who was also charged with allowing him to sleep with her.

The Beast of Badiya

2008-03-04T16:22:00.001+04:00

Something is munching sheep on the East coast. Is it:

(a) a mountain lion
(b) an (extinct) Arabian cheetah
(c) a wolf
(d) a lost mountain tribe of sorcerors
(e) a blood-sucking vampire-like creature

The smart money's on the latter. In other news, a judge has denied Dubai the chance of holding a trial more momentous than OJ Simpson or Lady Chatterley. The magic bullet-proof onyx man has got six months in Al Slammer:

In a lively court case, the guilty man’s lawyer asked the judge to allow a test to be carried out, where the defendant would have worn the onyx and been shot at to test its powers. The judge refused.

Fair cops

2008-03-03T16:04:00.001+04:00

Dubai Police are among the best in the world.

According to... Dubai Police!

A huge round of applause to Lt General Tamim for winning such an outstanding self-accolade.

Meanwhile is anyone else slightly disturbed that "causing death to others" has only just been made a road rule?

Laissez-faire driving in the city is a thing of the past — something that has been made clear by the UAE government's new road rules which came into effect on March 1. New rules include "Causing death of others" to "Driving a noisy vehicle" and "Driving without spectacles or contact lenses."

Reshuffle ruffle

2008-02-24T17:44:00.003+04:00

The Economist isn't very impressed with Sheikh Mohammed's recent cabinet shuffle, particularly the moving of Sheikh Lubna Al Qasimi from economy to foreign trade and the ousting of labour minister Dr Al Kaabi, describing it as "a blow to reform in the UAE":

"The cabinet reshuffle announced by the UAE prime minister and ruler of Dubai, Sheikh Mohammad bin Rashid al-Maktoum, has entailed the redeployment of the minister charged with pushing through structural economic reforms and the replacement of the minister of labour, one of the most sensitive portfolios in the government. Sheikh Mohammed said that the changes were aimed at bringing greater consistency, improved efficiency and more rapid development to the operations of the government of the seven-member federation. It is as yet unclear whether this will entail a review of the flagship policies of the previous administration, which was appointed in 2004 (and modified slightly two years later) or a drive to implement the existing policy programme."

The Economist is worried that Sheikha Lubna's plans to scrap the notorious "agency laws" - which gives UAE companies near-unbreakable monopoly rights on foreign brands - will go by the wayside. Likewise her attempts to abolish the 49% limit on foreign ownership. The magazine notes that these "may not be pursued with the same vigour as before."

Dr Ali Al Kaabi is well known for some of his heroic attempts at reform. He paid impromptu visits to labour camps, threatened non-paying construction firms, hauled his own staff over the coals for lounging around and doing nothing, tried to force transparency among ministry officials, planned to get labour agencies shut down (the reality is that indentured labour suits the UAE just fine - they could have fixed it years ago if they actually wanted to) and took various actions towards improving the plight of labourers.

Now he's out. Still, there are another two women in the cabinet, which has to be seen as some sign of progress.

Magic Mountains

2008-02-22T18:25:00.000+04:00

The Musandam mountains are on the rise:

Abu Dhabi: The Masafi earthquake on March 10 last year might have caused the mountains of east Ras Al Khaimah to uplift by up to four centimetres, according to geoscientists.

Scientists may think that plate tectonics are the cause. But any wise sandlander knows better. These magic mushrooming mountains are a nothing but an attempt to get yet another World's Biggest Something in Dubai.

Today the Deathspire, tomorrow Al Everest. Just another 6,500 metres to go.

Codeine Traceys

2008-02-08T14:11:00.000+04:00

0.003g of cannabis stuck to the bottom of your shoe?
Four years in Al Slammer.

Taking a legal health supplement for jet lag?
Arrested without bail.

Dubai is completely fucked up when it comes to drugs. There are dozens of ludicrous cases to mention: Codeine Tracy - jailed for legally prescribed medicine. Seven months without trial for two heart patients on heart medication. Smoke cannabis outside the UAE - even in a country where it's legal - four years at the minus-seven-star Al Wathba.

Of course if you're a bonafide celebrity, they'll probably look the other way.

What makes this particularly galling is the prevalent drug use among Dubai sheikhs. If the royal families were all squeaky clean, it might not be so hypocritical. But when we all well know of various junkie and ex-junkie emirati princes, it more than sticks in the craw that the Dishdashes-That-Be can't sort out their antiquated, draconian, inegalitarian and simply unjust legal system.

Magic stones

2008-02-07T11:46:00.001+04:00

As a leading international hub for trade, tricksters and the trustful, there is no better place to buy "magic stones" than Dubai. The latest peddlar of paranormal pebbles is this bewildered Yemeni entrepreneur charged with trying to sell a bullet-proof onyx for half a billion dirhams:

The suspect said: "I am not a cheat. I had a stall at Global Village where I displayed precious stones, including the onyx. I asked the police to try the stone before confiscating it and arresting me. They refused. I brought it with me from Yemen."

His lawyer Saeed Al Ghailani said his client claimed that he tried the stone once on a sheep and it worked. "We will bring witnesses to corroborate his claims before the court when it reconvene next week," said the lawyer.

The solution is amazingly simple: have the man test the stone out himself. If the bullets bounce off him, he's obviously innocent and the stone is a miracle and cheap at ten times the price.

If it's a hoax: problem solved.

Wheels of injustice

2008-02-05T00:23:00.001+04:00

One of the problems in the UAE is that criminal lawyers can only be locals. With such a small pool of talent available, it's no wonder that advocates such as Saeed Al Ghailani surface:

Dubai: A man (who has hepatitis and Aids) convicted of having forceful sex with a 15-year-old boy could not be guilty because the victim's examination proved he didn't contract any disease, his lawyer told a court on Sunday.

This is the same lawyer that came out with this stunning defence argument in an earlier hearing:

"According to a forensic medical report, A.R.’s symptoms prove that he suffers from a disease (Al Ubna in Arabic) which makes him ask others to have sex with him but not otherwise. He has become an addict to submissive sex.

"Therefore, he couldn’t have been forced to have sex with the suspects."

The fact that the rape victim was nearly charged with an "illegal" homosexual affair rather puts paid to Al Ghailani's arguments:

But Alex says the police doctor who examined him that night seemed intent on proving there was no rape, just a consensual sexual act between three men and a 15 year-old gay boy.

"He told me, admit it, you are a homosexual and everything," said Alex. "I got really angry, I told him, 'Listen, I just got raped by three guys.'"

The good news is that the rapists were convicted. Public sentiment among all nationalities has been strongly supportive of the victim. So that gives hope that this appeal will fail.

Dubai sued for $1 billion

2008-02-02T02:13:00.000+04:00

The announcement of the one billion dollar deal in 2005 between Capital Partners and the Dubai government was heralded as being a major move towards a free trade agreement with the US. A move which would have seen FDI - foreign direct investment - spiral upwards. But more than two years later Capital Partners is suing the Dubai government for one billion US dollars. And of course there's still no FTA:

"The developer, Capital Partners, had in July 2005 made what was planned to be one of the largest foreign investments in the region’s business hub, when it announced plans for River Walk, a mixed-use $1bn project in the busy internet business park located on prime land near the trunk of the reclaimed Palm Island.

But the deal soon turned sour amid recriminations over the legal title of the plot on which the US developer planned to build apartments, hotels and offices.

Basically, Tecom never owned the land they tried to sell, it "belonged to another government entity". Tecom claims that the contract was cancelled because Capital Partners "failed to meet the tight payment schedule".

However obviously CP couldn't legally make the next payment once they found out there was an issue with the land ownership, as they they have investors and are bound by US financial regulations.

The case is being run in the new Dubai International Arbitration Centre. But if that fails, there's always the US courts, since the Dubai government/royal family owns billions worth of assets there that could be seized if the judgement goes against them.

Of course what's extra ridiculous about all this is that every inch of sand and every government department is owned by Sheikh Mohammed and the Maktoum family, so this whole mess never needed to happen in the first place.

The sovereign's wealth fund

2008-01-24T14:08:00.001+04:00

Some time ago an associate working in finance in a certain Gulf state was handling a large investment being made by a supposed national institution. However when the funds transfer documentation arrived, it had no apparent connection in any way to that government institution. There was no reference to it by name anywhere.

Instead, the funds came from a private bank account in an offshore tax haven, identified not even by a name but by a string of obscure initials. The associate eventually worked them out as being the intitials of the names of the children of the ruler of that particular Gulf state.

This is why when the Economist writes that the "biggest worry " of sovereign wealth funds buying up Wall Street is "the potential backlash", they are missing the bigger and arguably more alarming picture. The Economist describes these funds as:

"...the surplus savings of developing countries, known as sovereign-wealth funds, that have proliferated in recent years thanks to bumper oil prices and surging Asian exports."

The reality is that in many Gulf states, all this "surplus savings" is rather the private wealth belonging to the royal family that runs that state, or quite likely a single individual member of that family. There is no proper transparency nor accountability. And this is why we use the term "benevolent dictator": because when a sheikh builds roads and schools and hospitals, it is effectively benevolence. It is his own personal money that he is using to benefit (or bribe) "his" people, not (what should be) their national money that he holds in trust.

Because Gulf states are not democracies, their citizens are not really stakeholders. To put it simply: the prime minister of Norway could not just walk away with all the cash in Norway's massive future fund. It is not his personal money, it belongs to the people of Norway. But in the average Gulf state, that money belongs to the ruling family or just the rule, and he can do with it as he wishes.

Which may, as in the case of Dubai, involve investing in a US gaming company. An interesting choice for the government funds of an Islamic nation where all gambling and casinos are prohibited.

Dubai gossip

2008-01-14T11:29:00.000+04:00

Dubai's infamy grows, with everyone's favourite sandy city scoring a mention on Gossip Girl:

"I hear you got intro a spot of trouble in Dubai."

"Did you stay at Burj Al Arab?"

"No, I stayed on Palm Island."

"Well I think Dubai's totally overrated."

And apparently they went pheasant hunting with the sheikh during their stay in the sandlands. Good news for the critically endangered houbara anyway.

Justice for all

2008-01-06T02:27:00.000+04:00

It really is good news week - now UAE women are set to become federal court judges:

The Ministry of Justice is amending judiciary law to allow women to take up positions as judges and prosecutors at the federal level, Mohammad Bin Nakhira Al Daheri, Minister of Justice, told Gulf News on Saturday.

“At present, the law states that only a Muslim man is entitled to assume the position of a judge,” Al Daheri said.

Amazing to think that just over the border in the Evil Kingdom, they're not even allowed to drive.

Nice day for a mass wedding

2008-01-04T16:12:00.001+04:00

UAE mass marriages are always a heartwarming story, given the ludicrous and vast amounts of debt so many other young Emiratis get themselves into over their weddings:

Abu Dhabi: Five hundred young Emiratis, from all seven emirates, will tie the knot in a mass wedding dubbed the "Emirates wedding", on Friday, at the Dubai World Trade Centre's Za'abeel ballroom.

The wedding, which is being funded personally by His Highness Shaikh Mohammad Bin Rashid Al Maktoum, UAE Vice President and Prime Minister and Ruler of Dubai, is being celebrated on the occasion of the second anniversary of Shaikh Mohammad's accession as Ruler of Dubai.

If only there could be a general mindshift to view overblown nuptials as tacky and profligate rather than socially desirable, then there might be more young couples embarking on matrimony unblighted by huge debts:

"The Institute for International Research, a UAE think-tank, puts the average cost of a wedding ceremony in the UAE at Dh300,000 – 50 times the salary of an entry-level government employee in Dubai."

So good luck to these five hundred sensible young people, and may their marriages be long and happy.

Happy New Year to the UAE's bidouns

2008-01-01T07:56:00.000+04:00

Here's a new year's resolution for the dishdashes-that-be: how about granting citizenship to the thousands of people who have spent the majority of their lives in the UAE? Some of whom were even born there, educated there, entered the workforce there, and have never known any other home.

People like this guy, who wrote the following to Time Out a while back:

"I am so angry - and none of what you said applies to me. I have a heart full of pain, a head full of stress, and I am sick of a place called Dubai. I've been here so long that I am no longer a tourist - not a resident, not a citizen, what am I? Born here, raised here, haven't been anywhere else. Locals keep their distance because they consider me a resident, residents keep their distance because they consider me a citizen, but eventually I disappoint all. Solve that, Sherlock! It's really nothing to do with cheapness, ugliness or being too pretty. I am starting to believe it's something to do with "nationalism", which infects all who come here even when they were never patriotic."

All people are supposedly equal in terms of humanity or in the eyes of God or whatever, but apparently in the UAE some people are more equal than others.

Life In The Emirates

2007-12-19T16:56:00.000+04:00

Thanks to a kind anonymous commenter, the classic UAE song "Life In The Emirates" by The Establishment is now revealed:

It's tough in the Gulf when the A/C's not working
And the desert is burning in the hot noonday sun
But I've learned how to cope, take the smooth with the rough
'Cause like every expat I'm a long way from home

Hala wa marhaba to life in the Emirates
Dubai, Ras Al Khaimah, Abu Dhabi, Ajman
They're the places I love and the places I won't forget
Sharjah, Fujairah and Umm Al Qawain

Well I miss my sweet wife and I miss my dear children
Sometimes I feel like it's breaking my heart
And I'll never get used to having Sunday on Fridays
But I know I'll feel sorry when it's time to depart

I work hard for my dirhams and I try hard to save some
At the end of each day I am worked to the bone
But the friends I have made here will be my friends forever
Uprah inshallah I am never alone

Hala wa marhaba to life in the Emirates
Dubai, Ras Al Khaimah, Abu Dhabi, Ajman
They're the places I love and the places I won't forget
Sharjah, Fujairah and Umm Al Qawain

Altogether now: "...OOOM!!! Al Qawain."

Royal joyride

2007-12-14T00:10:00.000+04:00

An amusing story, sent in by an associate. US popstar Justin Timberlake comes to the UAE and plays a major UAE venue. Three RAF pilots on the Tornado F3 deployment in the Gulf go along to the show. "Drink is taken as it is with Irish navvies and fighter pilots," the source notes.

Somehow, the three pilots find themselves unsure of how to return home - one thing leads to another and they end up breaking into a shiny sheikhmobile.

"On the road, the cops. Shit. Arrested. Worse shit: turns out the sheikhmobile belongs to the brother of El Presidente himself."

The men have now apologised but will appear in court next week on car theft and drinking charges.

We didn't start the fire

2007-12-02T02:36:00.000+04:00

Cheap villas falling down, prostitutes all over town
Roadworks, no perks, endless building cranes
Drivers, housemaids, everybody's getting aides
Asian labour, expat slavers, blonde Jumeirah Janes

Kids crashing sports cars, Saudis filling all the bars
Underage camel jockeys, getting round the proxy
Flickr blocked, Skype snipped, black texta censorship
Soaring oil, sinking dollars, rent hike apocalypse

We didn't start the fire
Though they burned Oasis, and they tried to blame us
We didn't start the fire
While the Palm was sinking, we just kept on drinking

Sheikh Zayed gridlock, all the way to Hard Rock
Burqas, workers, no one will pay 'em
Three palms, camel farms, Sharjah banning naked arms
Emaar, Alabbar, Sultan bin Sulayem

Muntafiq, Al Gergawi, carpets from Mostafawi
Burj Dubai, Sheikh Mo, how high can you go?
Hummous, shawarma, knock offs from Karama
Zayed, the sheikh and I, Bridge on the Creek Dubai

We didn't start the fire
Though the sun was boiling, and the boys were toiling
We didn't start the fire
While you built your icons, we were all in Cyclones

The Consulate on the Creek

2007-11-24T16:30:00.001+04:00

Down on the south bank of Dubai Creek, behind high white security walls and an oasis of palms, manicured lawns and little pathways lies the British Consulate. Many mistakenly call it the British Embassy, but it is in fact a mere consulate, and only occasionally becomes an embassy should the Abu Dhabi-based British Ambassador temporarily be present there.

There's a lovely sense of old Colonial times about the Consulate with its low-lying bungalows and the chipper British accents behind every counter. It must be the enormous charm of the place - certainly not the distant, grey and miserable land it represents - that lures such a long line of people every day to queue hour after hour in hope of a visa.

The Consulate is also a shining example of the wonderful multiculturalism that Dubai fosters. On its noticeboards are posted the banns of courting couples, hoping to marry in Dubai. How heartwarming to see that every "John Brown, DOB 1947" or "Trevor Jones, DOB 1952" has found a "Svetlana Molotov, DOB 1982" or "Ludmilla Kalashnikov, DOB 1986". It makes one quite proud to come from a land with such a blatant lack of xenophobia or age discrimination.

The rich man in his castle

2007-11-10T03:49:00.000+04:00

Why is the Red Crescent having to help out Emiratis rather than the multi-trillion dollar rich-as-Croesus UAE government whose sheikhs and their multitude of wives and children must be bathing in liquid gold with oil prices currently close to $100 a barrel?

Dr Salah M. Al Ta'ei, Acting Secretary General said the nine branches in the country will identify the Emirati beneficiaries for the house renovation project.

"We concentrate in renovation or maintenance as the federal and local governments have been successfully providing new houses to the needy under various schemes."

Maybe rather than fitting out your next palaces with solid diamond windows and platinum taps, Sheikh Mohammed and Sheikh Khalifa, you'll instead consider putting a few fils the way of your needy population to buy blankets and curtains.

The Red Crescent can concentrate all its money on the needy in desperately poor, war-torn countries such as Palestine and Sudan.

It's a fucking disgrace that a charity is having to help out the Emirati population, rather than their own government.

Family planning

2007-11-07T13:33:00.000+04:00

The wife of an associate was somewhat disconcerted when her building watchman asked her for advice on when he should take a holiday:

"I wish to take two weeks and my wife's blood finishes on the 17th, when should I leave?"

She referred him to her husband, who was just as embarrassed.

But hundreds of thousands of workers in the UAE face such a dilemma. Getting leave every two years (or less) can make it very difficult to have a family if one fails to win the title on the home run, so to speak.

Balu, a thirty-something Keralite driver, was one of the lucky ones. Within one year his family found him a bride, he flew back to Thiruvananthapuram, married her and struck it lucky on his honeymoon, receiving photographic confirmation of his achievement nine months later.

Balu, like hundreds of thousands of other "bachelor" fathers in the UAE, will grow up rarely ever seeing his child. There are plenty of separated mothers too: thousands upon thousands of low-paid female domestic workers who have children back in Bangladesh or the Philippines or India, being brought up by sisters and mothers and grandparents.

How do children in Asia view their distant parents? Do they come to regard them more as uncles and aunts, or are they able to keep parental bonds strong despite the prohibitive costs of communications and travel to the UAE?

Funny money

2007-10-31T16:56:00.000+04:00

Tips and icebergs:

"Younis Al Mua'alem, Head of the Money Laundering and Crime Department at the CID department for combating organised crimes said the case went back to last year, as the network was using the UAE as a location for its operations, which were confined to a group of companies in the country and abroad to launder money related to organised crime, such as arms dealing, VAT crime and fraud.

"Al Mua'alem said CID revealed the network was operating worldwide from New Zealand to Argentina. It used bank accounts in the country and elsewhere to pass dirty money from drug dealers to buyers and then transferred the money to various accounts around the world.

"He said the network's activity included money laundering from heroin dealing in the Middle East and Iran and cocaine deals in South and Latin America and Europe, some Dh2.4 billion of money laundered related solely to illegal drugs. The network's entire capital was Dh18 billion."

In other news, four years in Al Slammer if one small dry leaf accidentally gets stuck on your dishdash. Given the amount of unpunished whoring, boozing and drugging that goes on among Gulf ruling classes, the sentence is an utter obscenity.

Kiss my assininity

2007-10-29T13:08:00.000+04:00

Dr Al Kabban - surely the Horace Rumpole of justice in the UAE. The tale begins when some poor, innocent donkey (or perhaps onager, or even an abridged Assyrian) loving Filipino decides to advertise his passion on his car - and in a generous fashion too, inviting others to share in the love. Nonetheless, he rapidly finds himself in the dock on a charge of lewdness:

"The Public Prosecution charged the Filipino, J.J., with breaching public decency when he posted a 'kiss my ...' sticker on his vehicle windshield."

Step in the valiant Dr Al Kabban! Raising his sword of erudition and literacy, he slashes through the flimsy arguments of the minimalist-vocabularied prosecution:

The suspect hired Dr Al Kabban who told the Cassation Court: "The Appeals Court considered that '...' meant 'posterior' and tried our client as if he committed a lewd act in public without supplying any translation. Meanwhile, the word ... has different meanings, according to English dictionaries, such as donkey, dumb, stubborn or to ridicule someone.

"Al Mawrid English-Arabic Dictionary lists the same definitions. The Appeals Court also failed to ask the suspect whether he understood the sticker's meaning."

It is rather touching that Gulf News now finds itself unable to print the letters "ass". Despite the new era of media freedom so sincerely promised to us by all the many visionary dishdashes-that-be, this is actually a new piece censorship. For Gulf News has happily sprinkled asses around on plenty of previous occasions.

No, I've never met a nice...

2007-10-21T05:24:00.000+04:00

On such a day as this it seems appropriate to ask - why are South Africans, and to a lesser degree Scots, the only peoples so insistent on proclaiming their nationality on the back of their cars?

Booze losers

2007-10-15T15:52:00.000+04:00

An associate reveals a worrying tale for those who like to use a "Johnny Booze" to procure their daily dose of haram-juice:

"A friend recently got a call from the Johnny Booze he used to use before said JB got caught. JB explained that he was now out of nick and ready to accept orders again.

"My friend thanked him for the heads-up, but took it no further. Which was fortunate, because those of the JB's other previous clients who weren't so cautious - and immediately placed orders - found themselves being visited by Al Plod shortly afterwards..."

From booze to grass.

Sick joke of salik

2007-10-08T03:33:00.000+04:00

Amen:

"Today is the 100th day of the introduction of the Salik toll system in Dubai. Since its launch on July 1, it is believed that the road toll system, the first of its kind in the UAE and in the region, has earned revenues of more than Dh200 million.

"However, it has done little to ease traffic jams on the targeted road and on roads leading to the controlled zone. On the contrary, the situation has become worse."

As predicted here and by a thousand other right thinking individuals.

As Gulf News points out, the government could have collected revenues much more easily by a simple tax, which would have cost motorists less as well.

But Dubai is currently being run by a combination of liars and cretins.

Death of a Souqman

2007-10-06T03:43:00.000+04:00

Few things are sadder than the wanton destruction of history and tradition, and in the 21st century the loss of an old, working souq is inexcusable:

Abu Dhabi: Residents say they are nostalgic about the good things which the old souq provided and miss the exotic smells and the bargaining.

The old souq was knocked down more than one year ago and residents say they have mixed feelings of the 'mall culture'.

"People just roaming around the malls without purchasing anything," said one resident.

This is UAE culture that has actively, wilfully been trampled into the dust for the sake of lucre and "progress". When people complain that longer time residents of the sandlands - whether expat or resident - sound bitter or negative, this is why. Because the things that people loved and cherished in this country are being destroyed. Disneysouqs such the Madinat are zero compensation.

The silent sheikhas

2007-09-29T07:08:00.001+04:00

While Sheikha Manal bint Mohammed's words on the education of women are encouraging, the fact that one of Sheikh Mohammed's daughters has spoken publicly is far more significant.

Most UAE princesses are completely anonymous to the general public, or play very low-key roles compared to their brothers. In Al Ain museum there is a large Nahyan family tree. It shows the names and photos of all of Sheikh Zayed's nineteen sons. But not one of his daughters is even mentioned, not by photo - fair enough because of cultural taboos about depicting women - nor even by name or number.

Sheikh Zayed was highly progressive when it came to women's rights and education, and his own wife Sheikha Fatima frequently speaks to the media through statements. So it seems all the more sad that his daughters are barely acknowledged: will history even know their names?

Wikipedia certainly doesn't, at the time of writing it didn't even mention Sheikha Fatima or even a "wife", let alone any daughters. Perhaps these women have greater presence in the Arabic language press, but it is sad that western media are not more aware of them.

Other measures

2007-09-26T13:53:00.001+04:00

It would be lovely to hail this as a landmark victory for press freedom in the UAE:

Abu Dhabi/Dubai: In a victory for freedom of the press in the UAE, His Highness Shaikh Mohammad Bin Rashid Al Maktoum, Vice-President and Prime Minister of the UAE and Ruler of Dubai, yesterday issued instructions that journalists in the country will not be jailed for doing their work.

The announcement was made by Shaikh Abdullah Bin Zayed Al Nahyan, Foreign Minister and Chairman of the National Media Council (NMC).

Shaikh Abdullah said Shaikh Mohammad issued instructions that no journalist is to be jailed for reasons related to his work, adding that there are other measures that may be taken against journalists who break the press and publication law, but not jail, WAM reported.

Except for the fact that "other measures" sounds infinitely more terrifying than a free stay at the Al Wathba Hilton*.

*rated 7 stars by DTCM. For holiday bookings and special offers please contact http://www.uaeprison.com

Animal hellfare

2007-09-20T05:31:00.001+04:00

Anyone surprised?

Dubai: Animals cramped in Dubai's small zoo will continue to suffer as construction of a new bigger zoo has once again been delayed, Gulf News has learnt.

But those animals should be glad they only suffer cramped conditions. At least their accommodation isn't flowing with rivers of sewage, and they are not forced to build concrete tower blocks for minimum wage in the blazing sun. Yet.

Come 2010, expect to see abras replaced with eco-friendly dolphin-powered engines, chimpanzees and orangutans becoming an ILO-friendly replacement for the boys-in-blue on construction sites, and zebras and giraffes running up and down Sheikh Zayed Road pulling low-carbon emission chariots. With Dubai's staggering commitment to animal welfare how could one expect anything less?

A spotted cat story

2007-09-04T11:23:00.001+04:00

A man who ran a small antiquities shop in the UAE decided to support the Arabian Leopard Trust by putting up one of their stickers on his shop door.

A couple of days later, an Afghani staggered in lugging a great sack over his shoulders. He opened it up and brought out a freshly slain leopard skin.

"You buy?" he asked the antiquities seller.

"No I bloody don't, get that out of here," the shopkeeper told him.

The Afghani man looked puzzled. He pointed at his leopard skin, then pointed at the leopard picture on the Arabian Leopard Trust sticker, then back at his leopard skin. "You buy?" he repeated.

After he finally got rid of the Afghani, the antiquities seller took down the sticker and has not replaced it.

Ajman Bluebeard strikes again

2007-08-21T02:54:00.000+04:00

Who can forget Ajman's most famous resident, the one-legged Bluebeard Daad Mohammed Murad who has already worked his way through fifteen different wives in his absurd quest to have one hundred children?

When we last met Daad in 2005, he was about to take his twelfth wife and was up to 68 children. In the past two years he's squired another ten offspring and shed three more brides. And he's looking for more:

A one-legged Emirati father of 78 is lining up his next two wives in a bid to reach his target of 100 children by 2015, Emirates Today reported.

Daad Mohammed Murad Abdul Rahman, 60, has already had 15 brides although he has to divorce them as he goes along to remain within the legal limit of four wives at a time.

"In 2015 I will be 68 years old and will have 100 children," the local tabloid quoted Abdul Rahman as saying.

"After that I will stop marrying. I have to have at least three more marriages to hit the century."

A Baluchistani belle has already been lined up. And now Daad is off to Jaipur to pick up an artificial leg and a "beautiful Rajasthani girl".

Seventeen wives, 78 children (soon to be eighty), 49 grandchildren, 15 houses and Dh1,000 of mutton a day.

The Joy of SMS Spam

2007-08-13T00:38:00.001+04:00

Spam spammity spam spammity, spam spam spammee
Here comes another text from the HHIE
Spam spammity spam spammity, they take us for suckers
They spam us and spam us those spammity ... funsters

Tahiya's tale

2007-08-11T04:49:00.000+04:00

Tahiya was a young Bangladeshi girl whose older sister, Asma, had worked as a housemaid in Dubai for several years. Her employers were very good people, and when the wife's cousin needed a housemaid, they recommended Tahiya.

Tahiya came over to Dubai to work for the cousin and his wife, who lived nearby in Jumeirah. Tahiya was supposed to be about 21, but she looked around 16 and may well have lied about her age in order to get overseas employment. She spent most of her days off with her elder sister, and was a happy and spirited girl.

One summer Tahiya's employers went overseas. While they were away Asma visited Tahiya and found her bleeding and in great pain. Asma called her "madam" (her female employer) who quickly drove Tahiya to a private hospital - some sixth sense stopped her choosing a cheaper, government clinic.

It turned out that Tahiya had suffered a miscarriage. A Bangladeshi handyman had been hanging around the villa during the summer, and the obvious happened. The hospital said there was very little they could do for Tahiya, because the necessary medical prodecure (a dilation and curretage) would have to be reported to the authorities, since Tahiya was unmarried.

So after Tahiya had received basic treatment, Asma's employer drove both sisters to the airport and bought them a ticket to Bangladesh, where Tahiya could get proper medical care without fear of prosecution.

Four years later, Tahiya is back in Dubai working as a housemaid again. She has not had a very happy life since. She married a man in Bangladesh but he severely physically abused her, and they divorced. Luckily Asma was able to find her another good situation in Jumeirah. But Tahiya no longer looks like an impish young girl. Her ordeals have taken their toll, and she now looks considerably older than her years.

Molten gold

2007-08-06T23:55:00.001+04:00

"Sometimes we make a necklace with one kilo of gold for an Arab wedding, and this may take four days of work. Then one year later they return and they want to melt the necklace down again, the necklace we have made."

Manish, a Dubai jeweller, reveals the secrets of his trade. It seems to be going pretty well: the other week he sold a 10 carat white diamond to a middle aged British couple, for Dh455,000. It was made into a ring.

But Indians buy most of Manish's gold, and what they want is yellow gold, at least 22 carats. Manish's father has a factory in Sharjah where they even produce 23 carat gold, but it is too soft to do much with. "24 carat gold is like biscuit" he explains.

Indians place little value on heirloom pieces or antique jewellery, according to Manish.

"Many of them come in each year with all their gold, and they put some more money down, and they want it melted and remade into the latest fashions."

Does knowing that his craft will only last a season or two affect the fervour of the craftsmanship?

"Yes," Manish says. "Because when we make it we know that it will come back to us and be melted down again."

Death of a dancing girl

2007-08-02T03:04:00.000+04:00

This is what happens when you lock up people in their own room like slaves: if there is a fire or an emergency they cannot escape, and they die:

Aaina Malek, a Pakistani dancer, died in the apartment when the fire broke out as she could not escape. Another girl, Lucky, who was also trapped in the fire, was rescued by neighbours after they broke the door open.

Apparently this is standard practice:

"They normally keep the girls, who perform in dance clubs, locked in their flats during the day for "safety" reasons," said a dancer, who works at another club.

"It is quite common and the management of many Indian and Pakistani night-clubs follows the same practice.

"We are taken to clubs around 8pm and brought back to flats after 3am when the clubs close. We are not allowed to go anywhere. We are given food in the flat and we live like prisoners," she said.

Prisoners condemned to death by fire.

The story of Badal

2007-07-31T02:29:00.000+04:00

Badal, as we'll call him, was an Indian man who worked for many years as a driver in Saudi and the UAE. He held both Saudi and UAE licences, spoke several languages including fluent English and Arabic, and was considered a skilled driver and honest, hard-working employee by all former sponsors.

A couple living in Jumeirah wanted to hire Badal. He began working for them while they sorted out his sponsorship, and they were delighted with him.

But then a shadow fell. A small shadow, in the x-ray of Badal's lung. Tuberculosis, or rather latent TB that was not even yet infectious.

The Jumeirah couple were desperate to keep Badal. They offered to pay for all his medical treatment, even to quarantine him in their villa. No go. The Dubai immigration department refused Badal's visa, stamped his passport all over with BANNED, and took iris scans to add him to the permanently, forever banned list.

Before Badal was deported, the Jumeirah couple found a sympathetic pharmacist and bought all the medicine that they could for him. They found out the names of generic brands in India, and they gave him plenty of money when he went back so he could buy more medicine over there.

Even when Badal is cured, he will never be able to work again in the UAE. The Jumeirah couple plan to try and find him work in Saudi in the future. They even considered having Badal drive from Saudi through the Empty Quarter back into the UAE, but realised this would be putting him and them at risk. But that is how much they wanted to employ Badal.

Dubai nudist colony

2007-07-26T01:49:00.000+04:00

Accompanied by what must be the least effectively pixellated photo in the history of digital imaging, Gulf News reports that a Dubai labour camp has become "a virtual nudist colony" due to the summer heat:

When Gulf News visited the accommodation, the workers had no inhibitions - they went about the accommodation naked.

While some of them were walking naked to and from the makeshift shower to their rooms, others who went on a leisurely stroll around the premises, posed for a photograph."

It can only be a matter of time before the Dubai Big Bus Tour diverts its route to include this latest attraction.

Five Dubai delights

2007-07-19T04:51:00.001+04:00

As the time of year comes to pack the BOAC bag and set off on another trip back to colder climes, the thought of what will be most sorely missed from the sandlands comes to mind.

Among Dubai's many attractions, five things stand out:

1. Permanent, brilliant sunshine

2. Shops open until at least 10pm every night

3. Being able to drive at 140kmph with relative impunity

4. Cheap, ubiquitous, excellent Lebanese food

5. Alphonso mangoes

Perhaps there are others. But these five delights are those that will cause the greatest pangs while sitting under a grey, drizzling sky munching a wormy apple, with the sandwich shop closed by 5.30pm and twelve points on ones licence for doing 31mph in a 30mph zone.

Puppy love?

2007-07-15T02:36:00.000+04:00

Could this be an answer for the many beautiful "desert dogs" currently languishing in animal shelters?

Reading, London: The first Saluki racetrack will be set up in Abu Dhabi within the next two years as part of the Emirates' bid to promote its national heritage, said officials yesterday at an international event held in the UK.

"A standard racetrack will be constructed that will meet the international standards, as we aim to hold international race competitions for salukis," said Hamad Ganem Al Ganem, Director, Breeder and Registrar General of the Arabian Saluki Centre.

Hopefully if salukis become more iconic as a symbol of UAE heritage, more families will want to own them and be less likely to ill-treat them and abandon them to the care of welfare workers.

But if racing does start, it needs to be done responsibly. This means strict drug-free policies with extensive tests and checks, and also a policy in place for retired dogs. Having worked in a veterinary surgery and witnessed perfectly healthy greyhounds euthanased just because their peak racing days were over, it would be horrific to see a similar fate befall ex-racing salukis.

A Dubai fairytale

2007-07-11T22:00:00.000+04:00

"Mysteriously veiled women flit below magnificent crescent-shaped archways while men in long white flowing robes sit by the side of the canal drinking Arabic coffee."

When exactly did this Sydney Morning Herald journalist visit Dubai? Their Souk it up article is dated 1st July 2007 but there is no way even a mad dog or an Englishman is enjoying al fresco hot beverages at this time of year.

Though perhaps heatstroke is the kindest explanation for such a fevered advertorial storycake. The Madinat is indeed scenic with its artificial canals and faux windtowers. But "men in long white flowing robes" drinking coffee in 100 degree heat? Not unless Jumeirah International has started scattering actors around its properties for extra Arabian authenticity. "Mysteriously veiled" women "flitting" about? Come on. This is barely a step away from the harem scene in Carry On Up My Camel.

"I throw open the veranda doors..."

And crank up the air conditioning?

"Except for the occasional golf buggy that zips along the path, I could easily imagine sailing through an Arabian Nights fairytale with Sinbad the Sailor."

The keyword here is "fairytale".

"The writer was a guest of Emirates and Madinat Jumeirah."

Say no more.

Puppy unlove

2007-07-09T03:11:00.000+04:00

Dubai police do a lot of good work, but why must they come out with these sweeping statements?

"Dog fights are not happening in the country. They are prohibited," said Lieutenant Colonel Khalil Ebrahim, Deputy Director of Criminal and Investigation Department (CID).

Rape is prohibited. Murder is prohibited. Theft is prohibited. Yet they still all happen, which is presumably why we have the police force in the first place.

The fact is that illegal dog fights do happen in the UAE, as they probably do in just about every country worldwide. There's a reason that K9 executives lie when they get phone calls asking for "big dogs like Dobermans" and say that there aren't any. Because animal welfare workers are only too aware what people want such dogs for:

The police officer was responding to allegations by a disgruntled smuggler who said Pit Bull Terriers and other ferocious dogs are smuggled here at exorbitant prices for illegal dog fights. The smuggler, who did not wish to be named, said dog fights occur regularly in the winter.

He said the dogs are trained at certain desert sites where they are allowed to kill donkeys and other animals, the smuggler said. "They attack the throat," he said, and added that the dogs only attack children and other animals, never any adult human being. "The strength of their jaws is incredible," he said.

These dogs get stuffed with drugs and steroids, horribly maimed in fights, and are usually dumped somewhere in the desert when their fighting career is over. The lucky ones end up at K9 Friends and get re-homed into families. The rest die or are euthanised due to the seriousness of their condition. The new UAE anti-animal cruelty law cannot arrive too soon.

Blood wedding

2007-07-04T03:42:00.000+04:00

Dear god, when one can't even wait until after one's honeymoon to commit adultery, something is seriously wrong with the state of marriage:

Sharjah: A honeymoon became a nightmare when a man caught his wife in the arms of her lover and stabbed them several times with a knife snatched from the complimentary fruit basket.

The two are in critical condition in Al Qasimi Hospital. Police have set up a security net around her room as the brothers of the woman have threatened to kill her for besmirching the name of their family.

The couple from Khor Fakkan, who had been married three days earlier, had checked into a Sharjah hotel on their honeymoon.

In Sharjah too. A seven year itch one could understand, but three days after the wedding? Time to start putting plastic airline knives in hotel fruit baskets and a strong shot of bromide in the qahwa.

United American Emirates

2007-07-02T22:08:00.000+04:00

"UAE - that's the United American Emirates, right?"

No, not quite. But there's no point trying to disillusion an earnest American when one is trying to smuggle 10,000 iPhones under a borrowed marquee-size dishdash and pass the metal detector unapprehended.

America is indeed the land of the free: free (or practically free) communications. The sweet ease of being able to access Skype.com and videochat with friends and family overseas without having hordes of angry TRA officials banging on ones window waving camel whips.

The sheer delight of being able to make a two minute international phone call that don't cost more than a labourer's annual pay packet.

And the general joy of being able to access any website at any time at a speed light years faster than a lame carrier pigeon ferrying 1s and 0s back and forth from ones computer to Etishite.

So while America may have a president so unpopular that one can currently buy a calendar in Borders to count the days until he leaves office, at least people have the freedom to express their loathing and the communications to convey it.

Whereas in the sandlands, according to the UAE Publications Law Chapter 7 Article 76, it is actually forbidden to "blemish" the president of any "friendly state". Which means that as the US is a UAE ally, we may only express loving praise for George W Bush and the wonderful progress he has made in Iraq and for world security in general.

So perhaps it really is the United American Emirates after all.

Imbesalik

2007-07-02T02:29:00.000+04:00

Hint to the wise brethren of the RTA: shifting gridlock from one location to another is not actually solving gridlock.

Whipping up some fun in Al Ain

2007-06-20T11:19:00.001+04:00

There has always been a rumoured seedy side to the lush green oasis town of Al Ain. Rumours of wife-swapping parties among bored western expats. Rustlings in the palm trees for illicit liaisons at the dead of night.

And now this latest sexy sting:

AL AIN — The Commercial and Economic Activities Department (CEAD) at the Al Ain Department of Municipalities and Agriculture, Al Ain Municipality, has seized sex products being sold in a shopping mall here.

The items were seized during inspection raids by the CEAD team. Omer El Dheib, an inspector at the CEAD, said the seized items included sex creams, pornographic pictures, and whips among other items.

Never mind. There should still be plenty of camel whips on sale.

Hooters in Dubai

2007-06-19T20:17:00.000+04:00

Dubaians mourning the closure of hallowed nightspot Cyclones can rejoice again: Hooters is on its way to the sandlands!

A Kuwaiti investor plans to bring the classy and tasteful American entertainment concept to the UAE:

"I am trying to secure a location to open one restaurant this year and a year from now I will have two to three potential locations," Jamal Al Shaheen, a Kuwaiti investor, who has the franchise rights for Hooters in Dubai, told Dow Jones Newswires on Tuesday.

Many stores, such as Marks & Spencer, offer customised uniforms for UAE staff. For M&S, this is a black abaya with a discreet company logo trim on the cuffs. It will be interesting to see what Hooters' shariah-compliant costumes turn out to be. "Singlets and skimpy shorts" with a Hooters-branded hijab?

And perhaps UAE banks will follow the lead of their Lebanese counterparts, and offer bank loans for boob jobs. Given they'll now be a legitimate business investment for those wanting a career as a Dubai Hooters Girl.

Float your boat

2007-06-18T11:30:00.000+04:00

Queen Elizabeth II is moving to Dubai to live at The Palm.

Or at least her boat version is. The QE2, the world's most famous cruise ship, has been bought from Cunard by Istithmar. She will berth at The Palm Jumeirah in 2009 on a specially built pier and become a luxury floating hotel.

The ship will get a full refurbishment. Presumably this will include removing the pictures of the British royal family and replacing them with more sheikhly portraits. And the casino will have to go - or maybe not, if the vessel counts as "off shore".

Sheikh Mo had a steamboat
It cruised across the main
It anchored at The Palm one day
And never sailed again

Jebel Ali's secret cave

2007-06-16T05:58:00.000+04:00

A secret cave has been revealed in Jebel Ali, the "mountain" that overshadows Cell Block G. According to Hussain Al Badi, GM of the Emirates Centre of Heritage, History and Culture, the cave's floor is "littered with spent ammuntion":

Al Badi believes that the cave was built by warring tribes and may have been used by the British to store weapons during the Second World War. There are other holes in the side of the hill, but none as large and wide as the cave of Ali. "This can be a major tourist attraction if the authorities pay attention to this place," he says.

Jebel Ali, which translates to Mountain of Ali or High Mountain, is actually a sandy hill only a couple of hundred yards high. But it turns out to be an area with a fascinating and bloody past. According to historians, the assassin of Shaikh Theyab Bin Eisa, a tribal leader killed around 1750, fled here to hide. Dr Faleh Handhal, also from the Heritage Centre, says Jebel Ali also used to be an "area of contention" between Abu Dhabi and Dubai.

One can just imagine the hordes of bedouin warriors on camelback swarming onto the hillside with their curved swords gleaming in the sun; the harsh Arabic battle cries as the tribesmen fought to plant their flags on the summit.

Certainly a more appealing vision than today's beer-bellied expats trudging up the hill for a pint at Jebel Ali Cloob, and the satellite dishes that now look down upon us.