Bonking on the beach

Shock horror disaster as Gulf News reveals that "indecent acts are commonplace" on Dubai's beaches:

Dubai: In the early morning on a beach in the Jumeirah area, couples can be seen embracing in the water, while others engage in "indecent acts" in clear view of people nearby, seemingly oblivious to those around them.

Well, that's what you get for courting international package tourism. Deal with it. The minute you start arresting Gary and Tracy from Basingstoke for a bit of kiss-me-quick, or Heindrich and Helga from Dusseldorf for a bit of fichens-sie-bitte, it's adieu Dubai, hola Espana.

More burqa porn

While others tuck into plum pudding and turkey schwarma, Lola LebCan's festive treat has been a taste of Emirati pornography, via a film called Jawahir Does Jumeira. Set in Dubai, with landmarks such as the Burj Al Arab in the background, most of the action takes place behind the conveniently high walls of a villa in Jumeirah.

A blacked-out window sheikhmobile turns out to be more than a pretty prop - rather a literal prop for some of Jawahir's more gymnastic contortions. "I think the star was actually Moroccan," Lola comments, "because her UAE accent was really dodgy."

Just a couple of emirates away, shock and awe in Ras Al Khaimah with the Invasion of the Pork Scratchings. Not only are these horrors flavoured with artificial pig, they also feature a pint of beer in the logo.

But even more disturbing is imagining the 20-year-old Syrian man who was (a) stupid enough to buy a packet of crisps without checking the flavour, and (b) pathetic enough to run sobbing to his father to get him to sort out the mess. Can there be another country in the world where 20-year-old men have to be described as "youngsters"?

I live in Jumeira and drive a Pajeira

Nothing beats the wilds of suburban Jumeira for some true desert driving. The dark and leafy mazes of overpriced villas have been left untouched by recent, marginally less insane attempts at road and traffic planning. As a result, they are a rat run of dead ends, U-shaped roads, bizarre loops and circuits, and streets going nowhere. Returning from a friend's villa to Al Wasl or Beach Road usually involves hurtling up half a dozen narrow sandy alleyways, off-road driving across various patches of desert, over pavements, and across car parks and/or garage forecourts.

If all else fails, charging through a corroded piece of wire-mesh fence straight onto Sheikh Zayed is probably the best bet. Less intrepid motorists are doomed to forever wind around the backstreets, hopelessly trying to navigate the unlit obstacle course of palace villas, wheelie bins, stray cats and people's maids and houseboys sneaking out for illicit nighttime encounters.

But the horror drive is worth it, to catch up on the latest urban intelligence from the eminent Mr Saeed. His unique blend of Old Jumeira expat village gossip, and the latest dispatches from the dish-dash frontier, is unparallelled. Can it indeed be believed that the head of Dubai's most prolific property developers has just been thrown in the slammer? Or that a certain long post-menopausal Umm Seqeim matron is claiming an immaculately conceived multiple pregnancy?