Codeine Traceys

0.003g of cannabis stuck to the bottom of your shoe?
Four years in Al Slammer.

Taking a legal health supplement for jet lag?
Arrested without bail.

Dubai is completely fucked up when it comes to drugs. There are dozens of ludicrous cases to mention: Codeine Tracy - jailed for legally prescribed medicine. Seven months without trial for two heart patients on heart medication. Smoke cannabis outside the UAE - even in a country where it's legal - four years at the minus-seven-star Al Wathba.

Of course if you're a bonafide celebrity, they'll probably look the other way.

What makes this particularly galling is the prevalent drug use among Dubai sheikhs. If the royal families were all squeaky clean, it might not be so hypocritical. But when we all well know of various junkie and ex-junkie emirati princes, it more than sticks in the craw that the Dishdashes-That-Be can't sort out their antiquated, draconian, inegalitarian and simply unjust legal system.

Booze losers

An associate reveals a worrying tale for those who like to use a "Johnny Booze" to procure their daily dose of haram-juice:

"A friend recently got a call from the Johnny Booze he used to use before said JB got caught. JB explained that he was now out of nick and ready to accept orders again.

"My friend thanked him for the heads-up, but took it no further. Which was fortunate, because those of the JB's other previous clients who weren't so cautious - and immediately placed orders - found themselves being visited by Al Plod shortly afterwards..."

From booze to grass.

Prisoner Cell Block W

"Didn't we have a lovely time the day we went to Wathba?
"A beautiful cell, we ate camel as well, and all for under a dirham you know"

Three Australian men are enjoying a rather less than seven star luxury holiday courtesy of the UAE government:

Mr Mulcahy said Snaith was being held in "horrendous" conditions at Al Wathba prison, about 100km out of Abu Dhabi in the desert, where temperatures reach over 50 degrees.

He said Snaith was the only westerner among 150 inmates sharing a cell the size of a tennis court, but he was in good health despite the conditions.

"It's a disgusting hell-hole," Mr Mulcahy said.

"At this stage Mr Snaith's spirits are reasonable, considering.

"He's being well-treated - well, he's not being mistreated. He's being fed a diet of fermented camel meat and some rice and bits and pieces.

Well if they don't like it, they can always leave

UAE injustice system

Attempt murder - three months
Beat up your wife - six months
Molest a child - one year
Steal from charity - one year
Drink, drive, kill - one year
Slash four women - two years
Torture your maid - three years
Rape a woman - three years

Smoke cannabis outside the UAE - four years

Abu Dhabi: A teenager who smoked a cigarette containing hashish while he was in Egypt will serve four years in jail followed by deportation, the Federal Supreme Court has confirmed.

The boy, 18, an Egyptian identified as E.M., smoked a cigarette containing hashish with his friends in Egypt. He smoked it one day before he flew to the UAE.

What a fucking joke.

Booze and bang to rights

It really is a bizarre day when someone gets prosecuted for drinking beer in a Dubai pub:

"Dubai: A Briton has been acquitted of drinking alcohol because he had a liquor permit issued to him by the police."

All well and good, but what about tourists? They don't have special permits when they visit Dubai.

"A police report said the man was caught drunk and was referred to the Public Prosecution which charged him with having beer at a Bur Dubai pub."

This is completely arse about tit. Drunken, rowdy behaviour in public - fine. Charge him with that. Don't charge him with something that is 100 per cent legal in the sandlands (Stone Age Sharjah excepted).

"His lawyer told the court that the general manager was allowed to purchase and consume liquor. The suspect purchased the beer in a pub in a hotel. The pub is authorised to sell liquor and he had a permit to consume liquor, explained the defence lawyer."

One really has to wonder how cases like this ever get to court. What a total waste of everyone's time and money.

In other news, given how advanced the UAE's medical facilities are becoming, it's unusual to see people travelling to Bangkok for "medical treatment". And if your wife is going to write ten million dirham cheques in your absence, all the more reason to seek "treatment" closer to home.

Beating the rap

To the tune of the playground classic "Miss Lucy had a Steamboat":

Dallas was a druggie
He liked his little buzz
He trafficked to Dubai one day
And got caught by the

Fuzzy is our justice
Frankly it's a farce
If you need prescription pills
Best shove 'em up your

Ask them for a pardon
And you'll be out of luck
Unless you're a celebrity
Then they won't give a

For codeine you'll get half a year
For hashish traces four
But when it comes to famous folk
Then justice is a

Who really feels it's proper?
Who really feels it's right?
Celebrities get off scot-free
When we land in the

Just one question

What makes Dallas Austin so special that he gets away scot free with a crime that UAE nationals and expats alike - often younger, far less worldly people - get several years for?

Of course we all know the answer.

Dubai Does Dallas

So, four years in jail for Dallas Austin for possession of cocaine in Dubai.

Kill someone in a bizarre game of Doctors & Nurses and enjoy just one year at His Sheikhliness's Pleasure.

Hint: next time, Dallas, try wife-beating, rape or murder. You'll likely get a much shorter "holiday".

Cough syrup druglords

"Several pills and some syrup - welcome to seven months at a Goverment hotel!"

It must be part of the UAE's new tourism strategy, because nothing else can explain the absurdness of jailing two heart patients for seven months without trial for bringing in prescription medicine.

Police said the couple arrived at Dubai International Airport last December. Customs inspectors found several pills which contained banned substances in their possession as well as a syrup which contained a banned substance.

According to their lawyer, the syrup was "a pain-killer which is legally sold in pharmacies". But even if not: "several pills" "a syrup"? Just what kind of junkie druglord makes a career out of such quantities? Several thousand pills for a seven-day holiday, fair enough. But the Cretin of the Century could recognise the difference between Mr and Mrs Sickly from Tehran and the average Colombian drug baron.

The problem is that the UAE has a bizarre and irrational fear of certain substances, such as codeine. Despite the fact that dhows sail merrily all over the Gulf with illicit cargoes of finest Afghan poppy dust, you can't buy a couple of panadeine from a pharmacy for love nor money. Boots Heathrow used to be the ideal place to stock up until last year's "Codeine Tracy" fiasco.

Will they ever get a clue? Probably not. If you suffer from headaches or backpain: don't book a holiday in the UAE. Take a package tour to somewhere like Spain. Cheaper, more culture, better scenery, and you won't end up in jail for downing a Panadeine Extra.

Cream of criminal cretinry

7Days has compiled a very useful guide to Dubai's dumbest crooks. Remember not to try these excuses next time you murder someone or try to import a kilo of Colombian, as they've all been tried, tested and laughed out of court. They include:

- a woman who thought 4kg of heroin was "a box of chocolates"
- a photographer who "left his camera on by accident" in the changing room
- a man who mistook an E for a panadol
- a flasher whose "wet" clothes "fell down" in front of a six year old
- a man "just resting his feet" in a brothel

and a couple of other shining examples of Dubai's criminal cretinry.

Passionate police prose

Anyone getting bored of the local newspapers can find a wealth of first rate literature at the Dubai Police website:

"It was that thin line between reality and hallucination that was lost from this group. They were under the Marijuana influence , going high in their fascinations and rejoicing with this intoxication sense .They went too far to keep this sense , deciding to provide their own supplement of this narcotic plant , even if it means growing it in their own accommodation. The Anti-Narcotics officials in Dubai Police, nevertheless , were leading a surveillance, watching the group of men pampering the weed and awaiting for it to grow .The Force dropped in just on time , before the weed turning into blue smoke ."

Click on Criminal Investigation Record then Archive Cases for more crime thrillers. These are no mere, dry crime reports such as might be churned out by a staid and uninspired UK constabulary, but beautifully crafted pieces of literary art:

"It was one of those ordinary hot days in July , 2nd , 2005 when the personnel in the jewelry shop located in Al Maktoum main road came to open it as usual at 9:00 am .They were shocked to find out that a thievery took place , someone broke into the shop at night and managed to steal Dhs ( 2,400,000) million worth of famous trademark wristwatches , sunglasses and golden necklaces ."

As in any good detective novel, evil shall never prevail!

"Their dreams of fast wealth increased with every blow on the safe. They went high with much great expectations , only to fell down& shatter on the ground of reality. When opening the safe they found a small purse ,Inside it a sum of 500 Dhs only. Was it worth it to spare a soul for 500 Dhs."

The "O, mindly people consider!" section contains some superb photography. Or brush up your "Traffic Principles and Decipline." And if you really want to help Dubai Police, there's a gallery of Most Wanted suspects featuring some truly superb moustaches.

For those trembling in their beds after reading so much villainry, fear not! According to Dubai Police, no criminal is ever left un-caught:

"The modus operandi that criminals use is varies, some times it is very extensive and sophisticated. Yet it must fall into an inevitable fate, leading perpetrators into the hands of justice."

"My hubby is a druggy"

Idiot of the week must go to Judy, the wife of "Indian fashion designer and choreographer" Prasad Bidappa. Bidappa has been arrested at Dubai Airport for carrying two grams of marijuana.

Not only is Judy so naive that she openly admits to a reporter that her husband is a drug user:

"On whether she is aware that Prasad smokes marijuana, she said: "Yes. Once or twice a week. My husband will never carry marijuana to Dubai. It is not a deliberate act. It was a mistake, he is kicking himself for not cleaning his bag," said Judy who is yet to contact the Indian missions in UAE."

but she also frets about how many "days" he will be detained in Dubai. It won't be days, Judy. It won't even be months. Unless some massive strings are pulled - and given your nationality that's unlikely, as there are hundreds of Indians languishing in Al Wathba for far less serious offences - it will be YEARS.

A lawyer is usually a better person to speak to in these matters, Judy, than a reporter. Admitting to a newspaper in a Middle Eastern country with a zero-tolerance policy on substance abuse (let's not forget Codeine Tracy) that your hubby is a druggy is the quintessence of fuckwittedness.

You may also be interested to learn that cannabis is illegal in your own country. India is a signatory to the 1961 Geneva convention on narcotics and passed the Narcotic Drugs and Psychotropic Substances Act in 1985, which outlaws a large number of narcotic agents including cannabis.

From fiasco to utter farce

Tracy Wilkinson, the Brit thrown in jail without trial for prescription painkillers, has now been acquitted and is free to leave. The entire affair has been a complete and utter farce from start to finish.

We now learn that that official medical records reveal that (some or all of) the drugs she "failed" a urine test for were administered by a police doctor at Dubai airport just before she gave the sample. According to Fair Trials Abroad spokesman Stephen Jakobi:

"They first gave her medication, then they tested her for it, then they flung her in jail.

"This is what was proven in court today.

"It's daft. It's taken almost three months to sort. It's mind-blowing and it's astonishing. It was a 'Catch-22' situation."

Bizarrely, the defence blamed the media for not reporting the case accurately, with "inherent contradictions which had led to confusion."

"Subsequently, the story also appeared in the British media along with pictures of Tracy in the Public Prosecution office where she was lodged.

"The defence lawyers also denied allegations in the foreign media that Tracy was insulted during her detention, stating that this was incorrect and baseless."

The only confusion in any sane person's mind is how Ms Wilkinson languished in jail for seven weeks waiting for a few words on a doctor's prescription to be translated into Arabic. It was only after her story broke in the international media that she was speedily bailed, tried and cleared.


**For legal reasons and the protection of Ms Wilkinson/Lewis, the comments on this entry have been removed

Bailing out

It takes no more than fifteen minutes to have an official document translated and typed up in Arabic. Visit the little typing centre outside the Labour Office on Al Ittihad Road, for example, and they'll quickly produce something the police are happy to accept.

So no wonder Tracy Wilkinson's family are pretty pissed off that it took eight weeks to get her doctor's prescription converted into something a witless Emirati court could process, and finally grant bail. As Stephen Jakobi from Fair Trials Abroad comments:

"I honestly feel that is a shambles [after eight weeks] and these things should not be allowed to happen."

Quite apart from the fact that no documents should be necessary anyway for a medication legally available over the counter in another country, and consumed in that country, not the UAE.

This whole affair is desperately embarrassingly example of "justice", tolerance and openness in a country that continually touts itself as an advanced, educated, and tourism-friendly place.

Jailhouse block

Fly away for a couple of days and return, straight back into the Stone Age.

Exhibit I: The courts manage to jail a female tourist for seven weeks without trial for having legal prescription drugs in her blood. Codeine in the form of a paracetamol-based painkiller: a pill available prescription-free in any normal chemist in any normal western country, where informed and educated medical people set the rules for science and medicine.

Very happily, the story has made the international media, in the UK Telegraph, Sun, BBC, as well as newspapers in Egypt, India, Italy, South Africa, Bahrain and others:

"It is understood that Ms Wilkinson, from Balcombe, West Sussex, was then asked to provide a urine specimen which was found to contain codeine and temazepam given to her by her GP in the UK.

[...]

"Ms Wilkinson, who was on holiday when arrested, told The Sun that the authorities in the UAE had refused to let her go despite her GP sending a letter saying he had prescribed the drugs.

"They just won't believe me. I've had reports from my doctor sent over but they say they want them translated to Arabic."

Seven weeks to get a few words translated into Arabic? Hardly. This whole incident is an appalling fuck up, and the wealth of bad publicity and damage to the "western, tolerant" tourism-friendly image of the Emirates is thoroughly deserved.

Exhibit II: Etisalat has blocked IP telephony provider Skype. Despite IP telephony being legalised from 2005, the Big Golf Balls apparently couldn't bear that people might be able to communicate with overseas loved ones at a less than extortionate rate:

"When the New Year comes, residents here may start making international phone calls via the internet without the fear of being penalised, industry officials said."