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07 March, 2006

Misogynist of the decade

Oh dear. Just as we thought things were progressing for women's rights, out comes this glitteringly appalling comment:

"If every woman hit by her husband is encouraged to rebel, the sanctity of marriage would disappear from society."

Firstly, a woman leaving a violent husband is not "rebelling", she is trying to save her own life and quite likely that of her children.

Secondly, once a man hits a woman (or vice versa) the sanctity of marriage is already broken. Vows of love and support and unity have been violated. There is nothing worthy or sanctified about a hollow matrimonial sham of victim and abuser.

Thirdly, surely encouraging men not to hit their wives, and prosecuting those that do, might be a better solution to the tragedy of domestic abuse?



Blogger MuFi101 said...

Agreed, SD, views on this 1 gotta b gr8.

BTW, mR BaL maY HaV sM gR8 coMMeNTs

07 March, 2006 02:12  
Blogger samuraisam said...

evre1 rite ur comentz in txt!
it iz s0 co0o0o0oo0ol.

07 March, 2006 02:16  
Blogger fabio prado said...

Nice post. And be sure that - perharps in different levels - this problem is worldwide.

07 March, 2006 04:00  
Blogger the shadow said...

I don't see how locking unhappy families together where there is abuse helps society in any way shape or form.

I think that any form of physical abuse should constitute immediate grounds for divorce in any culture. Abusive environments only produce damaged children, not to mention destroying the victim's life.

I should point out that it's not always men hitting women. Sometimes the wife is the abuser, of the assumption that a man should be able to take it and brush it off if he is "a real man". My own divirce is testinomy to this.

07 March, 2006 11:05  
Blogger Harsha said...

where'd Balushi's comment go?

07 March, 2006 11:32  
Blogger dreamz said...

heard bout the blanknoise project? check this link out...

07 March, 2006 12:37  
Blogger secretdubai said...

where'd Balushi's comment go?

I didn't think it was appropriate given the serious subject matter to have a post that generally mocked the situation and included homophobic comments.

07 March, 2006 15:39  
Blogger secretdubai said...

where'd Balushi's comment go?

I didn't think it was appropriate given the serious subject matter to have a post that generally mocked the situation and included homophobic comments.

07 March, 2006 15:55  
Blogger Balushi said...

I didn't think it was appropriate given the serious subject matter to have a post that generally mocked the situation and included homophobic comments.

Secret Dubai! This is all about you eh? Just a One women show isn't it!!

You R the judge, the jury, the victim, the culprit, the spectator and then finally the Reporter!!!!

Why dont you put my comment up again and lets ask the other internet users as to what they think of it??

by the way, if you think my post was anti-Anything Then your post are Anti-Everything and One million ppl will tell you that!!!!

Go ahead and delete my post.

07 March, 2006 17:06  
Blogger SIN said...

I don't think SD's posts are anti-everything. They just bring issues to light and let the people put forward their ideas. And if satire is something people don't understand, then please refrain from commenting on it.
As for the topic at hand, God bless women from such individuals who still believe that a woman is a secondary citizen of the world.

07 March, 2006 17:19  
Blogger Balushi said...

Its good to be anti-everything! Then let everyone be anti-everything! - Not limit that.

So we come back to the same situation again! why my post deleted?

we are only going in Circles here.

07 March, 2006 17:40  
Blogger Minkey Chief said...

Secret Dubai! This is all about you eh? Just a One women show isn't it!!

Eh? Why would Secret Dubai diary be about anybody else? Balushi, a blog is your own space - you can do what you want with it.

I think the basic problem most people have with this blog is that it's popular.

I'm sad Balushi. You're not funny any more... Get thee to Mutrah Souq!

07 March, 2006 17:43  
Blogger secretdubai said...

balushi - you have your little jokes, and much of the time I leave them up. But this topic is not a laughing matter.

Your humour - if writing that women "deserve" violence was even supposed to be funny - was misplaced. That is why I deleted it.

07 March, 2006 18:36  
Blogger Balushi said...

Monkey_Cheif, Yes this is Secy's website i agree! but she doesnot owns the internet nor she owns etisalat!

Ok its her space Then she can talk about herself as how beautifull she is and all other females who are jealous of her bla bla bla!

and they can come here and talk about lipstick and powder! - Nobody will give a toss.

07 March, 2006 18:36  
Blogger Balushi said...

Secy If i am saying Dick cheney then you are cutting off "Cheney"!!!

Duh! I said that one poor man in egypth was thrown out from window in an high rise building and that man was killed by the Wife! - poor guy was killed for no reason.

and I am sure no one knows about this incident bcoz it was a man!!!!!!!!!!
(i will search the link now and u bet i will)

I was highlighting the dangers faced by men from women!

07 March, 2006 18:41  
Blogger trobriander said...


Perhaps if you can shed some light on this matter, but I have come across 2 ladies; an Arab and a western European mid30s, who have both confirmed that being slapped across the face by their men was OK in some anger instances. I thought it was a horrible thing to hear!

07 March, 2006 18:46  
Blogger secretdubai said...

balushi, if you had actually read the post thoroughly, you might have spotted this:

once a man hits a woman (or vice versa)

As for this:

then she can talk about herself as how beautifull she is and all other females who are jealous of her

See if you can find a single flattering reference that I have made in this entire blog to my own personal appearance. I'll warrant there is not one.

You can decide for yourself whether I'm Jabba the Hutt or Jezebel. I won't be commenting either way.

07 March, 2006 18:47  
Blogger secretdubai said...

tobriander - some people have sadly been brought up with a victim mentality.

If people are in some sort of bizarre paraphilic relationship with a sub-dom domestic discipline thing going, good for them. But that's consensual, and part of adult play not anger.

07 March, 2006 18:50  
Blogger trobriander said...

Then if this is a foul play, which may affect the children, then who will be the right judge for those demotic issues!? It is a bit gray

07 March, 2006 18:57  
Blogger trobriander said...

of course it should read 'for those domestic'

07 March, 2006 19:07  
Blogger secretdubai said...

The family courts.

And for those to really work, you need female lawyers and judges as well as men. Otherwise it's hard to break through the cultural misconceptions that women "deserve" violence or that they should stay with violent men.

Generally, it's mainly men who hold these viewpoints. Typical oppressor:oppressed scenario.

07 March, 2006 19:17  
Blogger trobriander said...

What a mess! I have heard of so many of those bad divorces with intricate details, and they tend to drag for ages. I guess nobody said it was easy!

07 March, 2006 19:30  
Blogger Balushi said...

Secy, there are alot of bad females out there! just like bad men.

Noone has to play the sympathy card to win.

In this world look around you! you will know that There are More bad women compare to Men!

I am willing to put my genitals on line for this If anyone who will prove me wrong!

07 March, 2006 20:53  
Blogger secretdubai said...

balushi - it's not about "women versus men - who is worse?" - it's about the fact that some people (mainly women, but also men) are trapped in violent marriages from which they cannot escape.

And as you probably know, in this country while a man can divorce his abusive wife in a few seconds with a triple talaq, a woman has to go through a lengthy and difficult court proceeding to do so. Even if she has been horrifically abused, she may not be granted it. She may lose custody of her children. Who may also be being abused.

And when we get a moron claiming that women trying to escape abuse are "rebelling", it makes one despair.

07 March, 2006 21:06  
Blogger Emirati said...

The UAEs judicial laws in every emirate but sharjah, DO NOT allow domestic abuse. Even if you catch your wife 'walking around' with another man.

07 March, 2006 21:09  
Blogger secretdubai said...

The UAEs judicial laws in every emirate but sharjah, DO NOT allow domestic abuse.

Wow - I didn't think any of them allowed it. It has just been my perception that even when abuse is proven, there is an effort that often goes beyond common sense to try to make the couple work it out, rather than grant a woman a divorce. ONE hit in a bit row maybe, but repeated violence? The chances of such relationship improving are minimal, even if the abuser goes for psychiatric treatment.

That Sharjah.... "allows" it... is just bizarre. It surely doesn't have a law saying it's actually ok?

07 March, 2006 21:14  
Blogger Emirati said...

And Balushi,

A Harlet is better thrown away like a ragdoll, than beaten. Youll save yourself the aggrivation and the tension.

07 March, 2006 21:19  
Blogger Emirati said...

The Sharjah police are a bit more lenient on wife beaters than other police departments. Our neighbor in abu dhabi just slapped his wife once, she called the police, they came with 4 cars and a caged truck for criminals.

07 March, 2006 21:22  
Blogger Emirati said...

Actually SD, legislation has changed a bit in favour of women. Now women can get faster divorces if they can prove the husband was an alchoholic wife beater.

07 March, 2006 21:26  
Blogger Mohamed Elzubeir said...

Although Islam is not as strict as catholicism when it comes to marriage, the goal is to maintain a marriage for as long as it can. It's always seen best to work things out as opposed to severing ties.

With that being said, Islam permits, I repeat PERMITS beating the wife. So, it is no surprise that Sharjah police are more lenient about it.

Now you can go on all about it's "light beating" that's permitted, etc. Fact is fact, Islam has no qualms with a man giving the wife a bit of a beating to set her 'straight'.

Think what you want, but if there is ever a need to 'beat' someone, you probably shouldn't be with them -- let alone them wanting to be with someone who will beat them.

07 March, 2006 22:25  
Blogger Transparent Soul said...

Permits! you should elaborate more on that dont you think? If you really knew what you were talking about you would know better than just throwing that sentence without explaining.
Knowing the little I know about you (the amount you disclosed about your self) I dont think you are in the best position to discuss such things.
Islam (followed properly) has the greatest respect for women, unlike many religions.. Women are pampered, taken care of, do you know that in Islam, women are not required to do any house chores if her husband can afford to get help, she is not even expected to breast feed if she chooses not to, do you know that the man is supposed to cover expensis even is she had a greater income, do you know that. Do you know how much "taking care of women" is emphasized in ALL aspects..
And its not about just covering her.
So El Zubair...think before you write such things in a forum that already has negative view of our religion and "culture".
Wife beating is an international issue, it has something to do with culture..but has more to do with the men who do it.

08 March, 2006 00:38  
Blogger Transparent Soul said...

"trapped in violent marriages from which they cannot escape."

This is true in many cases, and in alot of cases women choose to continue rather being forced, and its usually becuase they have this misconception that children raised in a home with a father and a mother is better than either. And this is common amongst many women.
Some just think that it will get better, some stay cause they think there is love to work on...some stay cause their family think its best to "hang in there" (but thats not common these days).

Regarding the divorce procedure for women, its not lengthy any more, they just ask for evidence, see if there is any chance of working on the problem and if either side insist on divoce then they grant it.

Custody is not an issue either, mom gets full custody unless she demands otherwise, when the kids reach a certain age, then they get to choose, if she decides to get married, then husband gets the right for custody or her family can take over.

08 March, 2006 00:48  
Blogger Mohamed Elzubeir said...

transparent soul,

While you are right on some issues -- I still don't find this so-called pampering to be any more flattering than having to take care of a disabled person.. I can see how you have completely avoided confirming nor denying my stated facts.

That's very well expected, as our main course of action has consistently been sticking the head into the sand and hoping 'bad' things will just go away.

08 March, 2006 07:40  
Blogger unJane said...

Gulf News 31/03/02 Husband has right to discipline wife, she can seek divorce - Court of Cassation ruling in marital dispute....I still have this clipping because I was so outraged by the idea that beating ones wife was written into law. I also wrote to Gulf News regarding this article and my letter went unpublished. I've just checked the archives and (surprise surprise) it's not included. I don't see the point of any relationship that must be maintained by fear and subjugation. The issue is not whether it happens world-wide. We know it does. The issue is how it's perceived by society.

08 March, 2006 08:17  
Blogger secretdubai said...

unjane - here is that article.

As a tip, try searching Google for Gulf News stories, they are all very well indexed there. For this one I searched "court of cassation discipline wife" - other times I search "gulf news [whatever]" and "gulfnews [whatever]" until I find it.

The only one I've never managed to find is the story on Sheikh Zayed and enviromentalism - "How green is my desert" - because oddly, the original doesn't seem to have had a story code.

Most of the Google hits are the old-style links that don't work any more, but if you know the date of the story and have the original link, you should be able to manually create the new archive location. Also GN does appear to now have a script that forwards most old links to new ones.

08 March, 2006 08:28  
Blogger al-republican said...


The permissibility of hitting a woman by her husband that you talk of can be found in the Qur'an. Let me quote the verse for you:

...Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (Next), refuse to share their beds, (And last) beat them (lightly); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them Means (of annoyance): For Allah is Most High, great (above you all). (Quran 4:34)

Clearly, the permissibility you talk about is ONLY if a woman is cheating on her husband and no other reason, but that! The Scripture speaks for itself, Sir.

You would be well-advised to read up Islamic law and the conditions which are allowed to women to leave their husbands and annul the marriage. You will see how much leverage there is for women who feel they shouldn't be in Nik'ah with a particular person.

As a lot of contributors pointed out, Islam places a lot of importance on family values and society. Divorce is a hated thing in Islam. As the famous hadith of Rasulullah (SAW) points out, amongst all the things that Allah has made PERMISSIBLE, the one he dislikes most is Divorce! It is always the courts priority to save a marriage and reconsile the differences between a couple.

On the other hand, you have societies where a man who caught his wife cheating on him with his best friend, took 200 snaps of them and sold them on e-bay for 4.99 pounds a piece and the pictures were all sold out in a few hours! E-bay says they don't find anything objectionable about such a transaction!

08 March, 2006 10:21  
Blogger Harsha said...

aaah traces of sweet revenge, anyways

are there any verses in the Quran for a woman being able to do the same to her husband, if he cheats on her (rather common, dont you think)

08 March, 2006 11:38  
Blogger al-republican said...


God didn't have to sanction a woman to hit her husband. That is a given anyways! :)

Take your utensils and CHARGE!


08 March, 2006 11:43  
Blogger Mohamed Elzubeir said...

I don't care what the woman has done, the fact remains, the husband, for some reason, has the right to beat his wife. Why he is allowed to beat her (lightly or not) is irrelevant.

al-republican, I have read up on Islamic laws and whatnot. It was an integral part of my education. I simply wanted to point out that it is permissible. No need to find excuses as to why it is allowed. Clearly, if the woman is cheating on her husband, she would much rather be beaten by him than go to court, eh? Cause, in that other case, she would face being stoned to death. Which leads me to my next point -- it surely means that it is based on suspecion. So, if you suspect your wife is cheating on you.. and cheating is defined at many multiple levels.. then you can beat her.. lightly. Beat her lightly..

P.S. Also, al-republican, I take care to write your nickname the way you spell it, please spell my name the way I do. We don't have a '-' in between the el and zubeir. It's one word.

08 March, 2006 12:24  
Blogger al-republican said...


Sorry for offending you (although I am not sure how I ended up rubbing you on the wrong side?).

When you say:

Which leads me to my next point -- it surely means that it is based on suspecion. So, if you suspect your wife is cheating on you.. and cheating is defined at many multiple levels.. then you can beat her.. lightly.

I am sorry, but if there is suspicion, there is no beating AT ALL! In case of suspicion you have LI'AN. Would you like me to quote you the verse for li'an or would that offend you, too?

You seemed to have learned Islamic law from very unreliable and uncompetent institution (if you did at all).

For all those who are wondering what Li'an is, well then it is just a verbal oath taken by both the husband and the wife against whoever brings the charge based on suspicion.

Also, ElZubeir, you fail to see how Islam commands men to stick to their women even if they cheat on them. THAT is the Mercy of this religion, which teaches compassion and forgiveness even if the woman repeats cheating on her husband.

You really shouldn't take what I say personally because (1) I just exlpain our religions stand on an issue; (2) It was you (and this is not the first time either) who brought up the issue and dragged religion in the first place.

Be happy, Mr. ElZubeir, the commands and laws of Allah are for Muslims so if you dont like anything in it you may follow laws that please you :)

08 March, 2006 12:50  
Blogger Mohamed Elzubeir said...

al-republican, I have never been offended by you. On the contrary, I do respect your views. I may not agree with you, but I certainly have nothing but respect for you.

Disloyalty could be construed as cheating, but ill conduct could be anything. I am not dragging this thread into a religous discussion without a reason. I am doing so to highlight something many people wish to remain oblivious to.

I am having this honest discussion with you and others, knowing fully that it is very sensitive and difficult to talk about. In fact, it is probably even more difficult for non-Muslims to talk about it while living here. However, at least we can discuss things among ourselves, in the open. This is why I respect you, al-republican.

08 March, 2006 13:01  
Blogger al-republican said...


Fair enough, ElZubeir. I am sorry if I came out too hard on my posts.

Just to elaborate on the "disloyalty can be construed as anything", I would like to point out to the Asbaab an-Nuzool of this verse - meaning, the event/reason that led to the revelation of this Verse. Once that is clear, there will not remain an ounce of doubt that the disloyalty/ill-conduct (which, by the way, are not the correct english words) is about cheating.

But, for this, I will have to go home and consuult my books as I wouldn't like to give information without confirming it.

08 March, 2006 13:12  
Blogger Harsha said...

Elzubeir isnt the only one, I myself was immedietly reminded of the article I had once read in Gulf News - the one SD and unJane were mentioning, that Islam permits the beating of the woman if she cheats on her husband or has been unfaithful to him.

In Dubai, anything going on around you automatically drags religion into it. 90% of the laws here are based more on Religion than humanity or choice/concern for people.

08 March, 2006 16:57  
Blogger kingfisher said...

SD: brave post. Interesting comments from y'all.

Any one want to comment on the impact of psychological abuse that can exist in many relationships and marriages... not to mention what it does to the children in such unions? This type of abuse often precedes the physical type, and in many cases can be more harmful because it is harder to detect, prove and correct.

08 March, 2006 19:34  
Blogger Transparent Soul said...

"In Dubai, anything going on around you automatically drags religion into it. 90% of the laws here are based more on Religion than humanity or choice/concern for people."
Whats wrong with that? its an Islamic country isnt it?
are the rules and values you implement in your house (with your children) come from your neighbour?
Read Al Republicians response.

08 March, 2006 20:21  
Blogger unJane said...

ah,Google. What would we do without it? Thanks for the tip, SD.

08 March, 2006 20:35  
Blogger the shadow said...

Oh sure its an Islamic country...but that doesn't mean that the entire day by day reality of Dubai automatically unfolds in complete accordance with (al republican's views of)Islamic principles. If only!

Come back down to earth and get real, this is Dubai we're talking about here!

10 March, 2006 01:32  
Blogger Mohamed Elzubeir said...

the shadow,

If it were, half the people in Dubai wouldn't be here, including myself. That's the beautiful thing about the UAE. If you want that, move to Sharjah.

10 March, 2006 02:44  
Blogger the shadow said...

True that, elzubeir.

10 March, 2006 17:43  

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