Mall marriage

It really is Mad March in the UAE: here's a newlywed groom abandoning his wife in an Abu Dhabi shopping mall and going home to sleep:

Apparently, the man only realised his folly when his mother asked where his wife was. He, then, rushed to the shopping mall to find his wife weeping, surrounded by curious onlookers. The hapless woman did not have the contact number of her husband nor the contact number of her in-laws.

However, after some heart-burning and arguments, followed by conciliation efforts by elderly people, the woman forgave her husband... and the couple are reportedly living happily ever after!

Nice day for a mass wedding

UAE mass marriages are always a heartwarming story, given the ludicrous and vast amounts of debt so many other young Emiratis get themselves into over their weddings:

Abu Dhabi: Five hundred young Emiratis, from all seven emirates, will tie the knot in a mass wedding dubbed the "Emirates wedding", on Friday, at the Dubai World Trade Centre's Za'abeel ballroom.

The wedding, which is being funded personally by His Highness Shaikh Mohammad Bin Rashid Al Maktoum, UAE Vice President and Prime Minister and Ruler of Dubai, is being celebrated on the occasion of the second anniversary of Shaikh Mohammad's accession as Ruler of Dubai.

If only there could be a general mindshift to view overblown nuptials as tacky and profligate rather than socially desirable, then there might be more young couples embarking on matrimony unblighted by huge debts:

"The Institute for International Research, a UAE think-tank, puts the average cost of a wedding ceremony in the UAE at Dh300,000 – 50 times the salary of an entry-level government employee in Dubai."

So good luck to these five hundred sensible young people, and may their marriages be long and happy.

The Consulate on the Creek

Down on the south bank of Dubai Creek, behind high white security walls and an oasis of palms, manicured lawns and little pathways lies the British Consulate. Many mistakenly call it the British Embassy, but it is in fact a mere consulate, and only occasionally becomes an embassy should the Abu Dhabi-based British Ambassador temporarily be present there.

There's a lovely sense of old Colonial times about the Consulate with its low-lying bungalows and the chipper British accents behind every counter. It must be the enormous charm of the place - certainly not the distant, grey and miserable land it represents - that lures such a long line of people every day to queue hour after hour in hope of a visa.

The Consulate is also a shining example of the wonderful multiculturalism that Dubai fosters. On its noticeboards are posted the banns of courting couples, hoping to marry in Dubai. How heartwarming to see that every "John Brown, DOB 1947" or "Trevor Jones, DOB 1952" has found a "Svetlana Molotov, DOB 1982" or "Ludmilla Kalashnikov, DOB 1986". It makes one quite proud to come from a land with such a blatant lack of xenophobia or age discrimination.

Ajman Bluebeard strikes again

Who can forget Ajman's most famous resident, the one-legged Bluebeard Daad Mohammed Murad who has already worked his way through fifteen different wives in his absurd quest to have one hundred children?

When we last met Daad in 2005, he was about to take his twelfth wife and was up to 68 children. In the past two years he's squired another ten offspring and shed three more brides. And he's looking for more:

A one-legged Emirati father of 78 is lining up his next two wives in a bid to reach his target of 100 children by 2015, Emirates Today reported.

Daad Mohammed Murad Abdul Rahman, 60, has already had 15 brides although he has to divorce them as he goes along to remain within the legal limit of four wives at a time.

"In 2015 I will be 68 years old and will have 100 children," the local tabloid quoted Abdul Rahman as saying.

"After that I will stop marrying. I have to have at least three more marriages to hit the century."

A Baluchistani belle has already been lined up. And now Daad is off to Jaipur to pick up an artificial leg and a "beautiful Rajasthani girl".

Seventeen wives, 78 children (soon to be eighty), 49 grandchildren, 15 houses and Dh1,000 of mutton a day.

Blood wedding

Dear god, when one can't even wait until after one's honeymoon to commit adultery, something is seriously wrong with the state of marriage:

Sharjah: A honeymoon became a nightmare when a man caught his wife in the arms of her lover and stabbed them several times with a knife snatched from the complimentary fruit basket.

The two are in critical condition in Al Qasimi Hospital. Police have set up a security net around her room as the brothers of the woman have threatened to kill her for besmirching the name of their family.

The couple from Khor Fakkan, who had been married three days earlier, had checked into a Sharjah hotel on their honeymoon.

In Sharjah too. A seven year itch one could understand, but three days after the wedding? Time to start putting plastic airline knives in hotel fruit baskets and a strong shot of bromide in the qahwa.

The Offended Mousewife

Somewhere in a Magic Kingdom far, far away, a small cartoon rodent has just slashed its wrists:

Dubai: A Dubai court granted a divorce to a 28-year-old Arab woman because she was offended when her husband said she looked like a mouse.

The court said comparing the wife to a mouse was an insult to a "mother, wife and a woman".

"The mouse is a disgusting animal. A woman should not be compared to it or any other animal," said the lawyer of the woman, a mother of three children.

Marital mismatch

The UAE's anti-golddigging laws apparently arrived too late for this couple:

"A 32-year-old Egyptian woman has received a one month suspended jail sentence for threatening her 75-year-old ex-husband with a knife and swearing at him.

"The Court of Appeal was told the woman had left the house after her marriage to the Emirati had broken down."

Well no one saw that coming did they? A local man, a foreign woman and a forty-three year age gap.

Stoning and lashing

Here reported by Gulf News we have one of the world's most screwed up families outside rural Utah. A fifty-something Pakistani patriarch married to an Indian widow who used her four half-Emirati daughters as his effective concubines, fathering ten children by them.

He's been sentenced to stoning, which has gone to appeal. (One rather hopes Amnesty will abandon its usual zeal on this one).

Whereas the four daughters got 80 lashes each. They claim their stepfather "used to threaten them with a knife, forcing them to surrender." The court however decided that they "allowed" their stepfather to sleep with them, hence the punishment.

Let's take a look at the facts, at least as reported by Gulf News. The daughters are currently aged between 21 and 26. The sexual relations date back to 1996. Even if Stepdaddy only started with the eldest back then, she was still no more than 15. Adult man with a knife versus young teen "allowing" him=80 lashes? That seems like an interesting verdict.

But of course it's not for us to comment on other people's culture and legal systems. We can always shut up, pack up and return to our corrupt Western countries if we don't like it here. Back to our vile lands of sin and debauchery, where child sex abuse victims receive counselling and support rather than a damn good whipping.

Brideshead revisited

When the Virgin Mary gave birth to Jesus, she allegedly got her virginity back as a thank you. Lesser mortals can their maidenhood restored for Dh10,000:

"A general practitioner in Sharjah said there are two types of operations; the first is 'permanent' (will last longer) and could be done any time and the second (of lesser durability) is done few days before the wedding. The first type of operation is more expensive, he said."

Some of the hymen reconstruction operations even involve inserting a small capsule of theatrical blood for extra realism on the wedding night. The good thing about hymenorrhaphy is that it should eventually make the concept of an intact hymen worthless. Quite apart from the fact that it is possible to be a virgin and have a broken hymen, or to have spent a decade taking it up the back way and still count yourself a "virgin", the downgrading of the hymen may help destigmatise rape as a source of shame for a woman.

So three cheers for the brave doctors carrying out these illegal operations, giving peace of mind and often physical safety back to thousands of young women.

Thou shalt reside in my smelly hovel

Some sense in the courts for an Al Ain wife who didn't like living in the "stinking accommodation" her husband provided her:

"The woman had filed the lawsuit in Al Ain Shariah Court of First Instance against her husband seeking a ‘proper accommodation’, claiming the one provided by her husband was not fit to live in — being quite old and in dilapidated condition with horrible smells.

"In return, defendant husband filed a counter lawsuit in the very court demanding his wife to obey him, and take his permission before going outdoors."

Chances of this couple reaching their golden wedding anniversary: snowflake/hell.

UAE gender inequality

If a woman is not allowed to travel overseas without her husband's permission, then she is not an equal human being with dignity and rights, she is nothing but a slave.

Father from hell

Here's a man and woman who have been married for five years and have a daughter. Only now they're no longer married, because the woman's brother filed a lawsuit on behalf of the their illiterate father to have the marriage dissolved:

"Dubai — The Dubai Court of Cassation has upheld a verdict issued by the Shariah Court ordering the termination of a five-year marriage between a national woman and an Egyptian man after the wife’s guardian filed a lawsuit against it saying it was solemnised without his consent."

A guardian is someone who protects the interests of their ward. It is not someone who five years down the track rips their own daughter's family apart, and renders their granddaughter illegitimate. Even if the woman wanted her marriage dissolved, this is hardly the way to proceed when a young child is involved, in a culture where illegitimacy still carries stigma.

Righteous behaviour is about more than the letter of the law. It is about intent and about acting out of love and compassion, not hatred and spite.

Kissing cousins

Despite sky high rates of deadly genetic disorders such as thalassaemia, and extensive government campaigns against consanguineous marriages, more than fifty percent of UAE nationals still marry someone they are related to:

Efforts have been made in the past to discourage inter-family marriages among nationals.

Although the efforts are working, they have not had impressive results since the rate of these marriages is still 50.5 per cent, [Professor Yousuf Abdulrazzaq] said.

The problem with these close-blood marriages is that they have been carrying on for so many generations, within such a small, tight group of people, that genetically it's the equivalent of brothers marrying sisters.

Frankly, it's time the government dropped the obstacles to "marrying out". Both Emirati men and women should be free to marry foreigners, without the lengthy rigmarole of seeking government "permission" and being threatened with losing their citizenship. Get as much new, unrelated blood in the gene pool as possible.

Because it's currently easier for an Emirati to marry their cousin, even if both carry genetic disorders, than for an Emirati to marry a non-national. Forget "tradition" and "culture" - repeated family marriage is resulting in deaths and severe disabilities among newborn babies. It's a primitive and unhealthy practice.

A hundred bucks to beat your wife

You couldn't make it up:

ABU DHABI — The Federal Supreme Court has confirmed a lower court verdict imposing a Dh100 fine on a husband found guilty of assaulting his wife.

In its verdict on May 20, the Apex Court said that the lower courts felt satisfied with the wife's statements before the prosecution that her husband assaulted her with both his hands and a head band, locally known as "Uqal" and that she received the multiple injuries described in the medical report. Accordingly, the court dismissed the husband's petition, and confirmed the earlier judgment.

A great and glorious day for wifebeaters throughout the sandlands.

Green obscene

Behind the trees and flowerbeds of the deceptively tranquil Green Community housing development (million dirham concrete blocks in the middle of the desert) lies a seething underworld of infidelity and depravity.

One separated wife and her new partner have even taken to lurking behind palm trees with a long range lens, trying to get a snap of her husband and his mistress, who live a few doors away. This after the spiteful hubby informed on his ex-wife and her lover to police.

"It's so far from anywhere there: you don't want to go anywhere because of the traffic, so there's little else to get up to," one Green Georgina explains sadly. "But I don't know what happened to just playing Scrabble or Monopoly of an evening."

Or Twister?

"Ah, well that's where it all starts," she confides.

Only half way up

Weary and flaccid husbands rejoice! No need to stand fully to attention any more, a half-slump is fine, according to this shariah judge in a divorce ruling:

"She claimed that the husband was sexually impotent and had deserted her. She also accused him of insulting her and her family, and that he insisted on watching pornographic movies, talking to other women, and practising masturbation. The woman also said that he failed to spend on his three children.

"At the court hearing, Ousama said he suffered from sexual impotence due to diabetes, but it was only ‘partial’."

Misogynist of the decade

Oh dear. Just as we thought things were progressing for women's rights, out comes this glitteringly appalling comment:

"If every woman hit by her husband is encouraged to rebel, the sanctity of marriage would disappear from society."

Firstly, a woman leaving a violent husband is not "rebelling", she is trying to save her own life and quite likely that of her children.

Secondly, once a man hits a woman (or vice versa) the sanctity of marriage is already broken. Vows of love and support and unity have been violated. There is nothing worthy or sanctified about a hollow matrimonial sham of victim and abuser.

Thirdly, surely encouraging men not to hit their wives, and prosecuting those that do, might be a better solution to the tragedy of domestic abuse?

Progress for UAE women

A positive day for UAE women today. First, UAE economy minister Sheikha Lubna says more women are expected in the next Cabinet.

Secondly, this RAK wife was finally granted a divorce from her arsewipe husband. Hopefully one day UAE women will be afforded the same divorce rights as UAE men, but until then, verdicts like these are a start (even if she did get no alimony).

And thirdly, an appeal for more compassionate treatment of poorer UAE women, particularly women married to non-nationals:

"They are married to expatriate men, who may be their relatives. By depriving them of their benefits, it shows that there are some people who are against their simple human rights. In the absence of a regular income, such women may do anything to survive."

A disgusting verdict

Here is a disgusting example of the sort of stone-age legal proceedings that shame this country in the eyes of the world:

ABU DHABI — The Criminal Court of Fujairah sentenced a man and a woman, both Pakistanis, to one year in jail, followed by 40 lashes each, on charges of marrying illegally.

S. Shah and O. Khan got married in the UAE without getting the permission from the woman's father as required under Islamic Shariah. The couple now have a five-year-old child.

What a stupid, disgusting and pointless verdict. What purpose does it serve to flog a husband and wife and take them away from their tiny child for a year, just because some woman's vile father decided to think with his penis rather than his heart?

Islamic scholars could surely find many texts and interpretations of law to support the fact that despite the circumstances of wedlock, this couple does now have a valid marriage. Surely the most important thing is reconciliation with the woman's parents, not tearing a young family apart? But no: the emirate of Fujairah has to take the most backward, un-merciful interpretation of the law it can, ruining three people's lives and embarassing the entire UAE.

Census and Sensibility

Far from illegally-cohabiting western expats being the bane of the census officials, it turns out to be legally-polygamous locals that are shy of revealing their marital particulars:

"Our enumerators came across a number of difficulties in getting information required for the Census Tedad 2005. Hiding information about number of wives and their ages is one of them," said Arif Obaid Al Mahiri, Head of Dubai Statistics Department and Head of Census Committee in Dubai.

He told Gulf News that some residents, especially Arabs, are even reluctant to give the names of their wives and daughters and their ages. "Our people really had to work hard to convince them why it was necessary to have such information," he said.

Pity old Daad Mohammed Murad, the notorious Ajman baby-farmer. He'd be lucky to remember half the names of his wives, let alone his vast broods of children.