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24 January, 2007

Kitty kebabs

The latest delicacy being enjoyed in minus-seven-star labour accommodation throughout the sandlands is allegedly barbecued bagpuss. Although - like serving bork and big bacon without a special license - it's technically illegal, anything goes behind closed doors:

Municipality officials said yesterday that while cat meat cannot be served at restaurants, there is no way of controlling what people eat in private.

"We are not aware of incidents such as this, but it may well be happening. We make sure that such food is not served in hotels but what individuals do inside their own homes really cannot be monitored," said Abdullah Rafeeu, the Assistant Director General for Environment and Public Health Affairs.

Sadly, labourers have now been banned from cooking cats in their unluxury lodgings, which means their recipes for moggy marinara, pussy pie and tom-in-the-hole may never be fine-tuned enough for publication in the wider world. Fortunately a correspondent by the name of Cool Hand Luke has managed to smuggle one out:

"Horror of Horrors in Today’s 7 Days front page. Cute little pussy cats, enemies to no man, been slaughtered and BOILED to appease the appetites of hungry laborers. These are my thoughts as the maid brought me in my breakfast this morning. Unable to swallow my caviar, I run down 2 flights of stairs in my mansion and jump onto my computer to scribe this diatribe. How can people boil cats? Its disgusting. The only way to cook cat is to fry it. Add loads of garlic, a smooching of lemon, perhaps chopped tomatoes (I never really know what my head cook puts into these dishes) and fried onion. Adorn the dish with decapitated snake entrails and eat."

There is a solution to ending cat cuisine:

1. Pay the labourers
2. Feed the labourers
3. Stop "rehoming" cats by dumping them in the arse end of Al Quoz

Labels: ,


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Someone has written that eating cats is worse than the other tortures the kitties in Dubai are more commonly subjected to - being thrown from speeding cars, being stoned, having firecrackers tied to them and other heartwarming diversions.

It's an old jungle rule: don't kill anything you don't plan on eating. How is a (presumably) quick death followed by marination worse than being beaten to a pulp with iron pipes and then left to suffer for hours before dying? I hear that torturing animals is a regular pastime for jobless teenagers in the sandier parts of town.

I can see the result already though. There will suddenly be a ban on eating cats, and any labourers found making cat kebabs will be thrown in jail. Where, ironically, they will be fed.

24 January, 2007 01:54  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

At least we know the labourers aren't homosexual because they like to eat pussy.


24 January, 2007 08:04  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your solution is perfectly simple. However, since we live in the land of ludicrous complexity, it will be some time before we see change.

24 January, 2007 09:18  
Blogger Sex and Dubai said...

What? You mean they are no longer throwing them from skyscrapers on to Sheikh Zayed Road?

Not to trivialize the seriousness of the situation, but on a lighter note - this post gives a whole new meaning to eating pussy ;)

24 January, 2007 09:40  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Apart from the fact that 7Days mentions a cantonese cat delicacy, when I'd like to see them find any labourers from anywhere near Canton in Dubai.

It's also a cultural thing innit. Why is a cat different to a cow? We eat pork, muslims and jews don't. The French eat horses, the Koreans eat dogs, some people eat insects...blah blah...its all fair game :)

24 January, 2007 10:54  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This country is getting sicker by the minute!! Dog Fights, Cat Torturing, Cat Eating, Animal Souqs, Exotic animals as pets etc.
I wonder if they can keep attracting the tourists and investors with all these stories?
When will this bubble burst?

24 January, 2007 11:24  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pffff poor cats! And... sick people

24 January, 2007 13:49  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

All those people whining on about this are whining on a full stomach.
Funny how easy it is to bitch when someone has just finished stuffing their cake hole.

24 January, 2007 16:35  
Blogger Seabee said...

The story suggested that it wasn't low pay or lack of food that was behind the cat cuisine, but the fact that some of the labourers are from places where it's a normal dish and they missed their good old home cooking.

While I wouldn't eat a cat in a million years, nor a dog, it's logically no worse than us eating cute furry wabbits, cuddly lambs or even Bambi.

My concern is how they're killed, I just hope it's quick and painless.

By the way, I wonder if HalfManHalfBeer will have a recipe?

24 January, 2007 18:11  
Blogger CG said...

I have not eaten cats before (or dogs for that matter), but I do eat beef,rabbit,chicken & lamb and most fowl. The main reason that I have refrained from tasting these delicacies is because I have never seen a kitty chop or puppy tails in the butchers section. Another reason is that I was never 'taught' to eat them as I grew up so have never acquired the taste or habit. I have a lot of pets at home, one of them being a bull calf who is so affectionate and a hell of lot smarter than my persian cat. The chickens are so clever that they put dogs to shame. I am starting to doubt any kind of slaughter right now.

24 January, 2007 20:05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh my god - this is too much to take.

24 January, 2007 21:15  
Blogger Cokey said...

Off topic..but adding to different wonders in Dubai anyone seen this movie?

SPARTAN (2004)

In the US-government's special ops, Scott is a shooter, not a planner,
doing the job without regard to quaint or obsolete convention. When the
President's daughter (a Harvard undergrad) goes missing, it's Scott who
applies the pressure, first to her boyfriend, then to a madam whose
cathouse is the first stop en route to a white slavery auction house
in Dubai. The abductors may not know whom they've grabbed, but once
they figure it out, the girl is doomed. Deadly double crosses force
Scott to become a planner. Through it all, earnest TV newscasters
read the drivel they're handed.


Tia Texada .... Jackie Black
Derek Luke .... Curtis
Val Kilmer .... Scott
Jeremie Campbell.... Cadre Candidate
Bob Jennings .... Grace's Aide
Lionel Mark Smith.... Colonel Blane
Johnny Messner .... Grace
Chris LaCentra .... Cpl. Sattler (as Chris J. Lacentra)

25 January, 2007 01:28  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Year 2020
DXB-Playboy(AKA 7-Days) reports :

Following anonymous reports of decreasing headcount at the labor camps, ministry of "No Share, Who Cares"(AKA Ministry of Labor) launched an extensive investigation on the matter. After months of intensive research, a shocking truth has been unveiled: "Laborers are eating each other at labor camps".

This has been recognized as the biggest threat to the progress of "City of Nuts and Bananas", the latest Dubai project which comprises the world biggest triplet towers in the shape of a half peeled banana and two huge hotels in the shape of round nuts at two sides. In order to overcome this threat, Ministry of "No Share, Who Cares" has ordered to import more laborers ASAP to compensate the decrease of resources being eaten by their fellow friends. Critics have already alarmed that the erection rate for this tower has been slowed down since past two months and project managers should have noticed this slow erection earlier.

Related to this case, head of “Anonymous Inspections at Dirty Places” department in Ministry of “Obesity and Strokes” (AKA Ministry of Health) has stated:
“We want to assure the public that human meat is not served at any of the restaurants under our surveillance. We cannot control what people eat at their private but I have heard that this is a very common practice in the west and I am sure this is one of those shitty things west has brought us. Come on guys, if you can be gay, you can eat other men as well.”

Whilst investigations are still continuing to find out the local stores that are robbed for salt and pepper supply for this human soup, there is a huge concern with the public living in Dubai on what would happen next if the projects are delayed due to this decrease of labor resources. Impact would be immense and devastations would be irreversible.

25 January, 2007 01:29  
Blogger One Nine Seven One said...

Actually any kind of meat (excluding Human but including Pork) is permissable for a Muslim to eat if he is suffering from extreme hungar and consequently his health is at serious risk.

Off topic, but judging from a couple of replies here, I wonder if Blogger will upgrade its technolgy to include an age verification, module?

25 January, 2007 11:43  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

@ A Yahya

Maybe they could also include prude appeasement technology to limit/censor comments prudes might find offensive. :)

25 January, 2007 14:39  
Blogger One Nine Seven One said...


No not really.

25 January, 2007 17:30  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This place is getting sicker and sicker, Anonymous. They don't want the poor to eat cat, but a rich one, investing here, may well harassed a patient at a clinic and the police will do nothing (it happened here to a Muslim woman harassed by a certain Saulonen or Saukonen or something of the sort, i.e.: Gail Clough's lover, all beautyful and well known-people!). The police will never bother the rich ones who invests and work here, they may eat human flesh as well, but poor laborers may die of hunger, who cares?

25 January, 2007 20:39  
Blogger BuJ said...

hmmm.. this is disgusting.. however i tend to notice that bad news like this tends to be ignored elsewhere but "amplified" in a way over in the sandlands... Personally I'd much rather worry about the way humans are treated (because we have a long way to go on that one) before I worry about cats.

on a more bositive note.. It's amusing to see you bronouncing your letters broberly :)

26 January, 2007 04:05  
Blogger Tim Newman said...

So is it only the rich who get to eat pussy in Dubai? Wasn't it always so?

26 January, 2007 06:14  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Of course, female pussy with delight! To rich westerner adulterers law is not applied, only to poor Indian and so on. Ask Gail, everybody knows of her adulterous relationship, she made it public! But her lover was not jailed (neither for harassing nor for being adulterous) When a poor Indian labourer look at a woman...He's sent right to prison in the name of Shariah! (Pussy eating forbidden) and in the name of social equality...Does anybody know the meaning of social equality round here?

26 January, 2007 13:52  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Poor people eat them kitties, rich ones traumatize them. <-- See the video!

27 January, 2007 11:46  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmmm... Seems that 7Days have removed the offensive article from their website.

Pity. IF anyone has found an online copy of it somewhere do post it here I would love to re-read it!

01 February, 2007 19:39  
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