Dubai secrets

Time Out has published an interesting feature about Dubai's 50 best secrets - which are presumably no longer secret now they've made it to print. They include:

1. Dubai’s very best hot chocolate
The hot chocolate at the Avalanche Cafe, Ski Dubai is suprisingly good. It's one of the rare instances where whipped cream actually enhances the drink. Partly because it looks like snow, partly because it acts as a useful platform for the M&Ms. But for more interesting flavours, try the hot chocolate cafe in Abu Dhabi's Marina Mall.

2. Historic Dubai
The archaeological site in Jumeirah. It's probably easier and more informative to visit Dubai museum though. And more comfortable, given the air conditioning.

3. Garhoud Plant Souk
This is a great place to buy plants, and much cheaper than the Dubai Garden Centre place on Sheikh Zayed Road. The ideal place to buy your bougainvillea barricade to keep the peeping toms out. (Interesting note: if you never water bougainvillea, it dies. If you water it too much, it dies. Sometimes it just dies anyway).

4. House of Prose
A great secondhand bookshop. And while they will buy back books for half price, they always seem to be overwhelmed with stock, so they're unlikely to buy everything you bring them if you're having a clear out. It's also a good place to gauge how crap a recent novel is, by the stacks of copies rejected by Jumeirah Janes in the discount shelf.

5. Indoor rainforest
At the Grand Hyatt just before Garhoud Bridge. Just don't try to get there in rush hour. The problem is with this one is that it's high budget only if you want to have a drink. However the deli-cafe there has some interesting imported goods, even if you do need to have your own oil well to be able to afford them.


Comments

Booze losers

An associate reveals a worrying tale for those who like to use a "Johnny Booze" to procure their daily dose of haram-juice:

"A friend recently got a call from the Johnny Booze he used to use before said JB got caught. JB explained that he was now out of nick and ready to accept orders again.

"My friend thanked him for the heads-up, but took it no further. Which was fortunate, because those of the JB's other previous clients who weren't so cautious - and immediately placed orders - found themselves being visited by Al Plod shortly afterwards..."

From booze to grass.

Five Dubai delights

As the time of year comes to pack the BOAC bag and set off on another trip back to colder climes, the thought of what will be most sorely missed from the sandlands comes to mind.

Among Dubai's many attractions, five things stand out:

1. Permanent, brilliant sunshine

2. Shops open until at least 10pm every night

3. Being able to drive at 140kmph with relative impunity

4. Cheap, ubiquitous, excellent Lebanese food

5. Alphonso mangoes

Perhaps there are others. But these five delights are those that will cause the greatest pangs while sitting under a grey, drizzling sky munching a wormy apple, with the sandwich shop closed by 5.30pm and twelve points on ones licence for doing 31mph in a 30mph zone.

Royal McControversy

Interesting to see Prince Charles calling for a ban on McFood as crucial for improving people's diets:

Charles made the comments while visiting the Imperial College London Diabetes Center in Abu Dhabi for the launch of a public health campaign, The Press Association reported.

"Have you got anywhere with McDonald's? Have you tried getting it banned? That's the key," Charles was quoted as asking one of the center's nutritionists.

Some years back the UAE health ministry actually did try to reduce the impact of McFood on children, by banning soft drinks from McHappyMeals. Children's portions of clown-meat could only be served with milk, water or orange juice.

The result? Kids bought adult meals instead, or got full-size full-fat cokes on the side.

Kitty kebabs

The latest delicacy being enjoyed in minus-seven-star labour accommodation throughout the sandlands is allegedly barbecued bagpuss. Although - like serving bork and big bacon without a special license - it's technically illegal, anything goes behind closed doors:

Municipality officials said yesterday that while cat meat cannot be served at restaurants, there is no way of controlling what people eat in private.

"We are not aware of incidents such as this, but it may well be happening. We make sure that such food is not served in hotels but what individuals do inside their own homes really cannot be monitored," said Abdullah Rafeeu, the Assistant Director General for Environment and Public Health Affairs.

Sadly, labourers have now been banned from cooking cats in their unluxury lodgings, which means their recipes for moggy marinara, pussy pie and tom-in-the-hole may never be fine-tuned enough for publication in the wider world. Fortunately a correspondent by the name of Cool Hand Luke has managed to smuggle one out:

"Horror of Horrors in Today’s 7 Days front page. Cute little pussy cats, enemies to no man, been slaughtered and BOILED to appease the appetites of hungry laborers. These are my thoughts as the maid brought me in my breakfast this morning. Unable to swallow my caviar, I run down 2 flights of stairs in my mansion and jump onto my computer to scribe this diatribe. How can people boil cats? Its disgusting. The only way to cook cat is to fry it. Add loads of garlic, a smooching of lemon, perhaps chopped tomatoes (I never really know what my head cook puts into these dishes) and fried onion. Adorn the dish with decapitated snake entrails and eat."

There is a solution to ending cat cuisine:

1. Pay the labourers
2. Feed the labourers
3. Stop "rehoming" cats by dumping them in the arse end of Al Quoz

Down to a tea

Some of the world's worst cups of tea are brewed in Dubai. It's not just the Indian version of builder's tea - stewed Lipton teabags, powdered Rainbow milk and seventeen sugars, served in a plastic cup.

There are the nightmare brews of Dubai International Exhibition Centre, accompanied by foul tiny cartons of "Tastes Like Milk". There are the hotel conference cuppas made from tepid water spurted out of a catering urn seasoned with the burnt coffee that it specialised in for the first decade of its working life.

And there are the "upmarket" (extortionate) hotel lobby teas served in a teapot that stews a witch's brew of thick dark tannin by the second cup. There are the five star restaurants that serve you a cup with a tacky teabag hanging out of it - or worse - a wrapped teabag accompanying a mug of water so lukewarm that it will not even dissolve one nanogranule of sugar.

The only consistently palatable tea is Moroccan tea, partly because the sugar and the fresh mint can disguise a world of bitter evil.

So it is somewhat encouraging to discover that a new high-end tea company, Newby, is muscling its way into the Dubai hospitality scene. And not just by selling tea, but hopefully also training staff how to prepare it properly. Using bottled or filtered water, brewing it at exactly the right temperature for the exact length of time, and using the right amount of tea. With luck, one day sandlanders will be able to buy a drinkable brew rather than dishwater for their hard earned dirhams.

"British Trash"

What would the reaction be if British-owned newspaper 7Days had reviewed an Arabic restaurant, and used the term "Arab trash" to describe local diners?

But of course it's fine for Dubai government-owned newspaper Emirates Today to review (or slag off for several hundred ignorant words) Gordon Ramsay's restaurant Verre and insult British people.

The Infidel Curtain of Haram Shame

Every Ramadan, as well as beautiful iftar tents, drabber curtains, blinds and screens pop up all over the sandlands.

What lurks behind them? Generally expat infidels, munching away during daylight hours in the few cafes and restaurants that remain open.

The curtains give a strange frisson of excitement and even guilt to what would otherwise be a regular workday lunch. They're also practical: in a world where people spend their days at work, outside the home, there needs to be somewhere discreet to eat. And not just for non-muslims, but for the many muslims who are exempt from fasting through age, health and so forth.

One Ramadan a colleague had to attend a couple of business meetings on Sheikh Zayed road. He needed to get lunch in between, and there was no time to drive all the way back to Media City or to his home. The problem was that every nearby cafe was take-away only until iftar. This meant that the only places he could eat were in his car (which is risky), or inside the cubicle of a public lavatory. He chose the former, and put up his sunshield, and kind of hunched over in his seat so no one could see him.

It was a stupid situation. The cafes in question had blinds and shutters available: they should have actively been encouraging people to dine in, rather than eating takeaways in their offices in front of muslim colleagues. This is why the Infidel Curtain of Haram Shame is so critical. Because it means everybody's needs are met: the hungry can eat, and fasters can avoid their eating. And a pregnant lady or diabetic man doesn't have to furtively picnic in a carpark, hoping they won't be arrested.

Model behaviour

Lola LebCan is out and proud. After weeks of mysteriously sneaking around the office at lunchtime and declining dinner invitations, she finally reveals her secret: an exclusive, executive diet service. Thrice a day, exact calorie-counted, size-controlled portions of Cristal and caviar have been arriving at her door in little bento boxes.

"It's perfect, it takes far too long to count out all those tiny eggs yourself," she points out.

As she stands to leave, in all her bikini-clad-Ursula-Andress-ocean-emerging glory, we cast a rather guilty eye over our cheesecake, forks hovering in mid air. But PR queens have different standards to the rest of us. They must dazzle in style and beauty and glamour, or they fail utterly.

Whereas our role is to preserve the sacred traditions of the sandlands, which means endless unlimited buffets, brunches, and putting on plenty of "Dubai padding". The good news is that we will be curvaceous enough to model in Madrid, whereas Lola will hopefully snap in two.

Seven (edible) Wonders of Dubai

1. Thai chicken with cashews
Noodle House, Emirates Towers. Sticky, tasty, sweet and lemongrassy, and absolutely amazing.

2. Rack of Lamb with mash and crispy beans
Finz, Ibn Battuta. Have it medium rare, and let all the juices soak into the mash as you gnaw each succulent chunk from its bone.

3. Teriyaki Steak Soba
Wagamamas, Crowne Plaza. Delicious, as is the Ginger Chicken Udon. Very hard to choose between them.

4. Aromatic Crispy Duck
Summer Place, Metropolitan Sheikh Zayed road. Easily the best crispy-shredded-duck-with-pancakes in the UAE.

5. Bihari kebab
The Daily Restaurant, Bur Dubai. Fiery meat marinaded so long that it is as soft and tender as pâté. Cram great chunks in your maw wrapped up in fresh roti bread.

6. Hammour in Holy Basil
Thai Paradise, Dubai Marina. From the "magic wok", and it really is magic. A sweet, hot, aniseedy sauce, that goes great with prawns too.

7. Beef Ularthiyathu
Thattakuda, Palm Grove, Bur Dubai. Tastiest, most addictive dry-fried beef imaginable. Best eaten with flower-shaped rice Appam pancakes.

Sweaty September

September is the stickiest month, breeding damp patches out of limp clothes, mixing humidity and sweat, and generally making everyone's life a clammy nightmare. So it was no surprise to note that humidity reached 98% the other day.

Such was the sticky moistness of the evening that it forced a planned al fresco drink with a visiting associate into the glacially dry interior caverns of Jebel Ali Cloob. The associate, most definitely and categorically not a member of MI6, and having no intention whatsoever to photograph the villas of various arms dealers in neighbouring emirates, warmed up by downing a traditional Arabian feast of kebabs, hummous and grilled flesh.

The great thing about Arabic food is that it always suits every occasion. Every meal comes with cold mezze and salads, perfect for summer, as well as hot grilled meat and vegetables, ideal for the wintry confines of the Cloob. You can eat what you want, there is always plenty left over.

And while Arabic food can seem a bit plain - no chilli is generally used, nor exotic truffle oils or essence of peacock tears and so on - it is the only thing ones stomach craves after a day's fasting. Good, plain, basic nourishment. With Ramadan nigh, let's hope the Indian mutton ban ends soon, lest the UAE runs out of of tasty lamb to grill.

Finding the golden egg

Anyone who has ever kept chickens will know what lovely, intelligent, sociable creatures they are. After having a fluffy feathered ball hop onto your lap at feeding time, it becomes unthinkable to ever eat battery eggs again.

So it was quite distressing when Geant stopped selling free-range eggs some weeks back. They still haven't reappeared, nor can they be found at Spinneys.

After over a month of egg-free living, it was time to venture further afield. To travel far north from the familiar surroundings of Cell Block G to hustling, bustling, perma-gridlocked Satwa. For there lies the holy grail of hen-friendly consumption: the Organic supermarket.

And what a fantastic surprise: the Organic store sells ten large organic free-range eggs for Dh20. Geant used to sell six tiny ones for the same price. Au revoir Geant, hello Organic store. Though in its defence, Geant has finally wised up to the fact that there is more to life than bottled flageolet beans, and is now stocking a better range of "world" (ie non-French) cuisine.

Dishing dirt

The ultimate UAE culinary mystery is finally revealed by Gulf News:

"The six victims were rushed to the hospital after they fainted and suffered from severe pain in the stomach as they ate kababs (a meat delicacy) from this particular restaurant."

Thanks greatly for the clarification. Not a single person in the entire UAE had a clue what kebabs were until now.

"The municipal official stressed that laboratory tests conducted on the kababs and other dishes served in the restaurant showed that they were not fit for human consumption."

Mmm... delicious.

Beach wail

Despite its ever-extending coastline and endless promotion of its year-round sun, sea and sand, Dubai does not have a single beach cafe. Excepting ludicrously overpriced tourist traps at five star hotels, where the general public must pay hundreds of dirhams just to access the beach, there is not a single beach-side cafe in the entire emirate. (The cafe at Jumeirah Beach Park is also excepted, as the park is paid entry. Besides which its menu is a foul obesity-hastening horror of grease and junk).

What is surely needed is something like Lime Tree cafe next to a stretch of public beach, such as the Russian beach, Wollongong University beach, or north-of-the-Burj beach. Fresh juices, healthy snacks and sandwiches, a range of good ice creams, and perhaps a selection of suncreams, sun-glasses and the like. Nice wooden tables where one can sit in comfort - air conditioned in summer - and enjoy a sunset drink while watching the sun sink gently into the smog.

Despite the huge crowds of all nationalities that gather on Dubai's beaches in intense heat and sun all year round, for some reason there is not a single cafe remotely like this. Perhaps the hotels form a kind of cartel on beach side catering, preventing all but five-star tourists from enjoying the sea view? Or perhaps a beach side cafe is considered the ultimate in local-youth-corrupting western depravity - an excuse to linger in comfort with a bird's eye view of exposed flesh?

Trouble brewing

Dubai's tea culture is rather fascinating. While the Gulf generally conjures up an image of gentle bedu serving coffee in a desert setting, the reality - Arabian Adventures aside - is subcontinental bachelors sitting on dingy white plastic chairs buying hyper-sweet cups of Rainbow-milky Lipton from various imaginatively-titled cafés. such as "Eat and Relax Restaurant" or "Eat and Drink Cafeteria".

For twenty-seven long years the price of tea has been a fixed 50 fils, around 13 cents, with the authorities blocking any attempts to raise it. (If only they had done the same with petrol). But now the street bone-china of choice, the thin plastic cup, has been banned:

"The decision has been taken on the recommendations of the Food Safety Committee after lab tests showed such cups pose health risk. They don't withstand heat and can contaminate hot beverages," said Khalid Sharif, Assistant Director General at Health Department and Head of Food Safety Section. He said establishments can use foam polystyrene or paper cups instead.

The problem is that thicker polystyrene and cardboard cups, though far nicer and safer, are also far more expensive. Profit margins are currently only a few fils per cuppa, so vendors are going to be even more desperate to raise prices or go out of business. And customers will go thirsty as a unique sip of Dubailife trickles away into the sand.

A very merry trifle

When glamourous Jumeira media couple Kiki and Maurice promise "just a very casual barbecue, picnic-style in the garden" one knows it is time to starch the collars and press on the dress studs.

For as an Acolyte of the Cult of The One, it is haram for Kiki to perform any entertainment rituals without first laying the altar with full candelabras, gold-embroidered cloths and a sixteen-piece solid silver cutlery service. Installing crystal chandeliers al fresco is no mean feat, but Maurice and the faithful neem tree rise nobly to the occasion.

But there is a slight hiccup when the pudding arrives, a magnificent raspberry trifle. It transpires that Kiki has misheard "use a good bit of sherry" for "use a good bottle of sherry". The result is a trifle so alcoholic that her two cats collapse from the fumes.

Cannibal candy of Sharjah

Cretins of the week: "Mothers in Sharjah":

SHARJAH — Mothers in Sharjah have expressed their displeasure over the availability of a gummy candy shaped like human and animal gums with teeth and other body parts in the supermarkets.

Are these women really so incredibly stupid and poorly educated that they seriously believe a few sweets will "lead to cannibalism"?

"Some children don't understand what is wrong or right. They find it exciting to eat human parts and believe they are monsters. This may develop into a psychiatric problem later on," said a parent.

Hopefully it will, and these children will eat their cretinous parents, thus raising the average IQ in Sharjah by about fifty points.

Futuristic festival of un-fun

A featherlight date souffle, like foaming-creme-brulee flavoured with rich syrupy dates, is an excellent reason to long for the arrival of Ramadan, when it will make its debut in the Ritz Carlton's Ramadan tent.

The other, even better reason to long for Ramadan is that its arrival heralds the end of yet another GITEX. This annual hell-fest of tech, IT, and related cybercrap is suffered by hacks, PR bunnies, IT geeks and weary retailers alike, and is enough to make anyone revert to slate and abacus.

If only GITEX could be biennial, like the superb Dubai Air Show, with its fantastic fighting aircraft and thick-necked foreign military.

Or even better, bicentennial: meaning no one would have to endure it more than once in their lifetime - which is one time too many for most.

Time for thyme

Lola LebCan is tucked away in a corner of Goodies cafe, Wafi, tucking into some fresh zaatar salad. Zaatar, which is literally the Arabic for thyme, is usually used to mean a dry-ish spice mix made of dried thyme, sumac and sesame seeds, which is sprinkled onto olive-oil-brushed flatbread.

Lola's zaatar salad is actually a bowl of fresh thyme, deep green and pungent; olives and tiny slivers of red onion sprinkled with sumac. A very healthy dish, and excellent for digestion.

But that is not why Lola is munching on it. Just before arriving at Goodies, she made the fatal mistake of walking too close past a reeking oud shop. Occasionally lovely in delicate doses, a over-strong waft of the burning agar wood can choke the senses for hours.

"I nearly died of oud," she comments, chewing her bitter herbs to try and rid the aroma.

Banished, famished

Farewell to schwarma, if the bumbling bureaucrats have their way. First they forced tiny kebab shops to put their grills inside, removing a traditional and temptingly-aromaed sight from the street.

Unsurprise-surprise: it's making the restaurants too hot for people to sit in:

ABU DHABI — For small shawarma outlets in the capital who shifted their grill into the restaurant following orders from the authorities, it may well be a case worse than "from the frying pan into the fire." They may be forced to remove shawarma altogether from their menu.

The authorities have found that the shifting of shawarma grills inside small restaurants was a "hot" move, in that it made the outlets uncomfortable with the heat produced from the grills making the atmosphere inside stifling.

If these authorities had actually bothered to heed the concerns of restaurateurs in the first place, or just rubbed their two brain cells together, they might have anticipated this before the fact.

Exactly what implications does this have for outdoor events like the Global Village? Will they ban schwarmas there, and everything else cooked outside, such as saj bread? The reason for moving the grills inside was "pollution". Given we breathe in gallons of thick sand smog, industrial fumes and traffic exhaust daily, does anyone care about a few more flecks of dust on their schwarma?