Burj base jumper

This has to be the best two grand ever spent:

Dubai: A British skydiver who jumped off Burj Dubai's 150th floor with a parachute strapped to his back has been fined Dh2,000.

Meanwhile, a French skydiver was slapped a similar fine after the security guards stopped him at the 24th floor before he reached Burj Dubai's rooftop and jumped with a parachute.

Punters would probably stump up twice that for a legal dive off the Deathspire. And this guy holds the crown of being the first to base the Burj - for just 2k.

Certainly a new and lucrative angle for DTCM to explore.


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Magic Mountains

The Musandam mountains are on the rise:

Abu Dhabi: The Masafi earthquake on March 10 last year might have caused the mountains of east Ras Al Khaimah to uplift by up to four centimetres, according to geoscientists.

Scientists may think that plate tectonics are the cause. But any wise sandlander knows better. These magic mushrooming mountains are a nothing but an attempt to get yet another World's Biggest Something in Dubai.

Today the Deathspire, tomorrow Al Everest. Just another 6,500 metres to go.

Biggles Sweeps the Desert

Pilot Biggles touches down in the sandlands, ferrying a planeload of rich elderly American tourists on a "Great Trade Routes" luxury air holiday.

"Every single one of them looks like Blanche from The Golden Girls, with extra Botox," he reveals.

As the lowly airborne bus driver, Biggles has to amuse himself while the gilded grannies enjoy tea at the Burj, shopping at Harvey Nichols, and other traditional UAE cultural experiences.

It has been five years since Biggles was last in Dubai, and he doesn't recognise a thing. The thick forest of skyscrapers on Sheikh Zayed road was then a thin copse, with DIFC nothing but the twinkle in a sheikh's eye.

Mall of the Emirates was just a hoarding in a patch of desert reading "Souq Al Nakheel" Conversely, in a kind of restoring-equilibrium-to-the-universe, Oasis Mall is once again nothing but a hoarding. Half a decade ago, the only buildings to the far south of Dubai were the lakeside buildings at Internet and Media City. Now, an army of vast towerblocks looms over them, stretching down to the gargantuan Marina edifices and the grim shadowy slum of Jumeirah Beach Residence.

In another five years, Dubai will be an entirely different city again. Biggles will instead be landing at Jebel Ali airport, with his geriatric flock enjoying the attractions of Dubailand and the Deathspire. The Burj Al Arab and Mall of the Emirates will be nothing but ancient relics, lying disused and deserted in the dust.

The Mile High club

If the beautiful Deathspire wasn't ambitious enough, Dubai very nearly ended up with a mile-high tower, five times the height of the Burj Al Arab.

According to building boffins a super-tall tower is structurally feasible, just not financially or logistically practical. The fastest lifts in the world would take at least two minutes to reach the top, assuming people didn't get on and off at various floors in between, and no one suffered motion sickness or vertigo.

The mile-high miracle was supposed to be built by Japan's Taisei Construction, who should have found it no sweat since they previously planned a 4,000 metre, 800 storey tower called X-Seed 4000:

"The current status of the project is unknown, but it is understood that the mile high tower may have been mothballed following the appointment of James Wilson as Nakheel’s chief executive in February, who arrived at the company from IFA — one of the biggest investors in Nakheel’s Palm Jumeirah and Waterfront projects."

It's quite obvious why the mile-high tower never got off the ground: as previously pointed out, Dubai has simply run out of names. After Emirates Towers, Burj Dubai (Dubai Tower), Burj Al Arab (Arab Tower) and Al Burj (The Tower), there is absolutely nothing left to call it.

Beware the burgeoning burjes

According to Hong Kong's finest diarist, Hemlock, building massive towers is a sure-fire sign of doom:

"From the Empire State and Chrysler Buildings in 1920s New York to Petronas Tower in 1990s Kuala Lumpur, egotistical architecture has been a ‘sell’ signal, a leading indicator of an economic crash."

Hemlock's gripe is with Hong Kong's planned International Commerce Centre, set to be the world's third tallest building, at half a kilometre high.

What, then, for Dubai and the stunningly beautiful, 700+ metres high Deathspire, its soaring silver spike ever depicted against a glowering, apocalyptic sky?