Sun, sea and sewage

A few years ago the waters off Dubai were like a lovely warm bath. Swimming was a wonderful experience, at least for people who don't enjoy having to break the ice before they dip a frozen toe in the dark and ominous English Channel. On Midsummer's Day.

For some reason, the habit of going to the beach rather died away. Even the urging of bronzed beach-goddesses like Lola Lebcan didn't raise its appeal. Maybe a sunset stroll to take photos of the Burj, once or twice a year. But no more sunbathing, and certainly no more swimming.

Perhaps it was the dredging for the Palms that ruined the oceans. Not just because it fouled up the water with sand and fine particles, but because it stopped them being an endless mystical stretch of water as far as the eye could see. Now the sea was just a sort of inlet or lake, a sad sandy pond. The real Gulf now started the other side of the World's Biggest Man-Made Artificial Sand-Dredged Islands (tm) all rights reserved to His Majesty's Vision Inc (tm).

Anyway we've had this latest story before, last year on the BBC in fact. But now The Times has picked up on the fact that Dubai isn't quite the unspoilt virgin eco-Eden that Nakheel's vast hordes of paid "ecologists" and assorted "environmental scientists" like to promote:

"A noxious tide of toilet paper, raw sewage and chemical waste has transformed Dubai’s most prestigious stretch of shoreline into a foul-smelling health hazard.

"A stretch of the exclusive Jumeirah Beach - a magnet for Western tourists and home to a string of hotels - has been closed. “It’s a cesspool. Our tests show too many E. coli to count. It’s like swimming in a toilet,” said Keith Mutch, the manager of the Offshore Sailing Club, which has posted warnings and been forced to cancel regattas. The pollution is a blow to Dubai’s reputation as an international holiday destination offering almost guaranteed sunshine and clear seas."

The good news for Dubai is that the sort of tourists who flock in on cheap Emirates deals and hang around the Jumeirah Beach Hotel with their tattoos, guts and lycra on grim and sweaty display are probably not Times subscribers.

The bad news is that like everyone else in the world, they're probably about to lose their jobs, homes and savings if they haven't already. Meaning even a weekend in Weston-Super-Mud or Whitley Bay is going to be beyond the budget, let alone The Arabian Effluent Experience.


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Abu Dhabi Baywatch

What's more absurd?

1. Playboy-model-come-home-porn-star Pamela Anderson wants to build a hotel in a conservative Islamic emirate

2. She plans to build a zero-fossil-fuel eco-friendly hotel in one of the biggest carbon-chugging nations in the world

Pamela Anderson wants to open a hotel in Abu Dhabi, say reports.

The former Playboy model is planning to develop her own eco-friendly resort in the country.

"I'm building a hotel there," she is quoted as saying. "It's environmentally friendly.

"I went there with the Make A Wish Foundation and met some great people there, and the royal family was really friendly."

Perhaps she can bring her Baywatch buddies round to fan those friendly sheikhs with date palm fronds as they swelter in her un-airconditioned, electricity-free, "kind-to-the-earth" resort.


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Magic Mountains

The Musandam mountains are on the rise:

Abu Dhabi: The Masafi earthquake on March 10 last year might have caused the mountains of east Ras Al Khaimah to uplift by up to four centimetres, according to geoscientists.

Scientists may think that plate tectonics are the cause. But any wise sandlander knows better. These magic mushrooming mountains are a nothing but an attempt to get yet another World's Biggest Something in Dubai.

Today the Deathspire, tomorrow Al Everest. Just another 6,500 metres to go.

Secret of Dubai's success

What is the secret of Dubai's success?

The desert.

[Sheikh Mohammed] said: "It is due to the vast desert spaces of his country, where the mind has the freedom to think, to explore and to dream."

So those of you who guessed oil/cheap expat labour/absolute power were all wrong.

It's sand.

Fuming fools

In September 2004
They showed cigarettes the door
In just a fortnight
The fags were alight
And things were as fugged as before

In September 2005
They said that the ban would revive
But given their lies
No one was surprised
When eventually it never arrived

In February 2006
They were back to their fag-banning tricks
And once again nothing
Prevented the puffing
No laws, no ban and no fix

In May 2007
They yet again promised us heaven
At the end of the day
We know smoking will stay
Because they are gutless and craven

Dubai paradoxes

The expectations are often the reverse of reality.

1. Dubai is roasting hot
Take an overcoat: most of the time is actually spent freezing to death in glacially over-airconditioned offices and shopping malls.

2. Women have to cover
Nowhere else in the world do women wear sluttier clothes even in the workplace than in Dubai: skin tight jeans, plunging lycra, shoes that the wildest London fetish club would baulk at.

3. People speak Arabic
Hardly anyone speaks Arabic: as witnessed tonight by a poor, presumably diabetic Arab man struggling to communicate in English with a Filipina as to whether there was sugar in an (English labelled) soft drink.

4. A dry, desert city
Humidity reaches nearly 100% in Dubai in summer because it is coastal, and the condensation actually irrigates the desert, so the dunes are covered with clumps of plants. In interior and mountainous regions it is much drier, and the desert is barer.

Poisoned waters

A poisoned pomegranate juice thwarts this weekend's plans for a jailbreak, but thank god for Dewa, who - unlike its Sharjah counterpart - actually manage to keep water flowing in the pipes:

Sharjah: The shortage of water in densely populated areas of Sharjah has become acute, with no advance warning from the authorities, residents said yesterday.

Most residents around Rolla Square have been using drinking water to flush toilets for the past month, while others are forced to drive to friends' homes in other districts to shower and bathe.

Enjoying E Coli with no flushing lavatories is beyond imagining.

Water is the scarcest resource in the sandlands, yet the UAE boasts one of the highest per capita consumptions in the world. Read this and weep; see this and think twice about any Dubai retirement plans you were entertaining.

Iterum in Arcadia ego

How lovely to be back in the sandlands. Good riddance to the garish azure skies and terrifyingly verdant environment of the southern hemisphere, with its obscenely scenic headlands, golden sands and crystal clear waters. Welcome again to the gentle, smoggy dawn of the Arabian Gulf, the softly sludgily polluted oceans that soothe the skin with their oily balm, and the reassuring spaciousness of arid tree-less wastes.

What a relief to be away from the interminable irritation of polite, safe drivers and boringly correctly-observed road rules, and the socialist horror of an extensive, relatively efficient public transport system. Instead, such joy to back on the meritocratic and exciting life-or-death race track of Sheikh Zayed Road, not having to bother to give way to other drivers, and the glorious commuter camaraderie of the ever-lengthening rush hour(s) gridlock.

Back at Cell Block G, a mile-high pile of newspapers barricades the door, the houseplants are just clinging onto life, and the desert ant brigade marches ever onwards over the verandah. Hovel sweet hovel.

A murder of trees

How green is my desert? Growing less green by the day, after untrained gardening labourers hacked dozens and dozens of young trees to death in what was presumably an ill-advised, ill-explained "go forth and prune!" command from their dimwit supervisors.

The boughs were hacked through, the once-healthy, glitteringly green trees reduced to a few leaves on the few scant twigs that remain. Several trees have already died, their last leaves shrivelled up and brown. Others are dying, unable to breathe since the decimation of their chlorophyllous lungs.

From oasis back to desert, with just a few hacks of the scythe.

Continuous curves

Winding through the jagged shale-strewn crags around Hatta, a deceptively main-looking metalled road suddenly crumbles away into a dirt track.

Hugging the base of the mountains on the right hand side is a rigid concrete and green wire barrier, topped with an endless, glittering coil of razor wire. It is the border between the UAE and Oman: modern life is sadly anti-nomadic.

The road and the barrier run alongside for mile after mile. They inspire just one thought: what would be the easiest way to get through? Ladders? Wire clippers?

But the answer is even easier than that. Whenever the barrier passes over a dry wadi bed, there are three large storm drain pipes underneath - wide enough for the fattest fugitive to scramble through.

The real challenge comes on the other side: miles from anywhere, harsh rocks, harsher heat and no shelter, with nothing but a few small donkeys chewing the wiry desert shrubs.

Oh we do like to be beside the Creekside

But maybe not to actually swim in it:

"Parts of Dubai Creek are so polluted with sewage the water is hazardous to human health, according to a Municipality study. Water between Aweer Sewage Treatment Plant and Garhoud Bridge contains high levels of bacteria such as e.coli, which can cause stomach complaints.

"The jet ski rental at Garhoud Bridge, which is scheduled to close at the end of the year, falls within the infected area."

Pleasant. Apparently there is only one sewage treatment plant currently serving Dubai, which "discharges approximately 50,000 to 100,000 cubic metres of treated effluent into the upper part of the Creek every day."

Not nice for Dubaians and even less nice for the fishes. The odd sheep's head floating around the shallows isn't much a of a draw either.

Bring back the massive mammoths

Strange to think when looking over the burning, empty sands rolling from the mountains to the coast, that the UAE was not always this way.

Rivers once flowed through vast acacia forests and fertile plains, teeming with life. Antelopes, giraffes and ostriches gathered at watering places, eyed by hungy hippos, hyenas, wolverines and sabre-toothed tigers.

Best of all, massive primitive elephants, Stegotetrabelodon syrticus thundered around, with 2.5-metre tusks.

Researchers in Syria recently dug up giant giraffe-sized camels near Palmyra. Only 100,000 years old, they would have been around at the same time as human beings. No issues for ancient Syrians with underage camel jockeys: Pavarotti could have ridden one of these beasts and been no more than a gnat on a rhino.

Forget Dubailand, let's get cloning and have a Jurassic Park for real.

Did the earth move for you?

Because it didn't down here at Cell Block G. Dubai experienced a slight "tremor" today, after a more serious earthquake in Southern Iran, resulting in the evacuation of Emirates Towers and a few other scrapers:

"Witnesses in high-rise buildings said they felt the ground shaking beneath them for about a minute. Many residents evacuated their buildings and waited on the streets."

Expect endless earthquake experts in the papers tomorrow, such as the prophetic Dr Azm Al Homoud:

"We should stop saying the UAE is not in an earthquake prone area. I must say we are near major epicentres across the Arabian Gulf and fall within the collision area."

Inmates in the far southern gulags miss out on everything. Cut off by distance, traffic and general lethargy: the forgotten folk in the shadow of the Jebel.

Dune tunes: the singing sands

Sand dunes "sing" as they make avalanches, according to scientists, who are compiling a CD of sand music:

"Sand dunes in certain parts of the world are notorious for the noises they make as sand avalanches down their sides. Some emit low powerful booms, others sound like drum rolls or galloping horses, and some are even tuneful. These dune songs have been reported to last for up to 15 minutes and can sound as loud as a low-flying aeroplane."

What melodies will the dunes of Dubai be singing? A possible top ten:

1. Bridge Over Troubled Wadi
2. Sweet Camel O'Mine
3. Bye Bye Miss Arabian Pie
4. Sheikh, Rattle & Roll
5. Save The Last Dishdash For Me
6. I Heard It Through the Grapeshisha
7. Smells Like Tent Spirit
8. Rock Around The Clocktower
9. My Hajjar Will Go On
10. You've Lost That Levant Feeling

Of gropers and groupers

Two freaky fishy tales: firstly, the iconic Gulf Hammour may be swimming towards extinction. The sweet white fish, a type of grouper, is beloved of dishdash and expats alike:

DUBAI - A recent study conducted in various parts of the world including the Arabian Gulf has revealed that 'Hamour,' a favourite among the nationals, might be facing extinction.

In more successful fishing news, Dubai police netted a large shoal of ogling males that beached on the shores of Jumeirah:

DUBAI — About a score of loitering young and not-so-young men were rounded up from Jumeirah beach by the police patrol yesterday.

There was no police explanation on the incident. It appears the action was aimed at ensuring no nuisance is caused to families and tourists, who land up on the beach in sizeable numbers.

Desecrating the desert

"Dim in the moonlight the dunes stretched away into infinity, a ridged sea of sand, pale as milk. "When you've seen a storm here you'll understand. Then all the desert seems in motion, like the sea beating against the shore of the oasis, flooding into the date gardens. They're like waves breaking; the whole great desert of the Empty Quarter thundering in, the sand flowing like water.""

Hammond Innes' description of the desert in his 1960 novel The Doomed Oasis.

Even without a storm, the desert is like the sea, it shifts and flows. In the summer, when the prevailing winds are offshore, the dunes are slowly blown towards the ocean. In winter they drift back. The physical ripples and ridges of the dunes change slowly day by day, but to the human eye their shapes change constantly and rapidly as the sun moves over the sky, transforming the shadows and hollows.

Like the oceans, the seas of sand are also being fouled up by human activity, destroying fragile ecosystems. Residents and tourists show minimal respect, and scenic areas are continually littered with garbage.

"A source from the Terrestrial Environment Research Centre at ERWDA said herbivorous lizards such as the spiny-tailed lizard, which usually eat branches and wood, had plastic bags found in their droppings as well as pieces of plastic.

"Man-made materials have also been found in camel droppings."

At Hatta Pools, the litter after a Friday is appalling. Cans, bottles, plastic bags, even unfinished food left unwrapped on the ground, swarming with flies. One can even find used children's nappies strewn around the rocks near the water. How vile, disgusting and peasant-like people can be.

Flaming fools

In normal regions weather reports boast a wide variety of flavours: sunny, snowy, rainy, windy, hail, sleet and fog. Here there are just two main choices - "clear" or "dusty". There is also the mysterious "BL Dusty" (=bloody dusty?)

Doing its best to make year-round sunshine exciting and newsworthy, the UAE has apparently been having a heatwave, meaning that instead of hot, it is BL Hot. BL BL BL Hot.

At such a time as this, one would expect flora and fauna alike to batten down the hatches and await a more temperate clime to put out their delicate blooms. But no - not the perverse poinciana. As soon as the mercury passes 40c, these mad trees burst into fiery blossom, burning brilliant red-orange all over the Emirate.

The Secret of Shady Pines

Hidden away past Nad Al Sheba, behind a Sheikha's palace, lies a little-known wonder of Dubai. Here is a natural, marshy wasteland, where scrubby bushes burst from the sand and grasses cling to the moisture of the sunken, sandy soil.

Along one side, irrigated but lovely nonetheless, is a half-mile long avenue of pine trees, their shaggy branches arching over to provide shade.

Here is somewhere horses can be exercised, avoiding the heat of the day. Here is a place that people can take dogs and let them roam around off-leash. It is a secret pocket of countryside in the middle of the desert.

Walking here reminds one that local people have grown up missing more than snow and ice. Just being able to wander somewhere semi-wild, and see unmanicured shrubs and plants is a rare novelty here.

Overlooking brilliance

Three hundred and sixty-five days clear
And 366 in each leap year

Such is the weather in the UAE - year round sun, of a bright and enduring quality. It is both regrettable and short-sighted that the country has so far done little to exploit the Sun God's bounty, instead relying on dark oily slicks lurking below the sand dunes. With the world's highest rate of sunlight and of air pollution, the desert cries out for clean, solar power.

The UAE already innovates in areas such as desalination and salt-tolerant agriculture. But the ease of oil deters investment and research into alternative energies. Sadly, Richard H Rooley's wise advice will fall on deaf and deafened ears.

From big smoke to shining sea

So we're high consuming, big atmosphere polluters - give us a big slap on the back. There are many things to be proud of here in the Emirates, but owning twelve mobile phones and eight SUVs per family of four is hardly one of them.

Vehicles grew by 10 per cent last year compared with population of 7.6 per cent. Which means what? More traffic? More congestion? More lead-filled, sooty air and salty smog? No wonder Maktoum Bridge is back at gridlock, despite the recently opened fifth lane.

How nice then yesterday to discover a vast, empty beach, polluted only by the faint tang of camel dung, free of SUVs (if not their tyre tracks), free of perverts (if not cigarette butts and barbecue litter), but happily with fresh water showers and sun shelters. Ironically, one needs a SUV to get there, or at least near to the beach. But once on the thick, soft sand - surprisingly cool to walk on compared to the burning sands on other beaches - it is miles of quiet, peaceful shoreline. At least on a weekday.