Margery's malfunction

Petrol Prince Charming still not knocking at the door, Margery decides desperate measures are needed, and manages to engineer a bikini wardrobe malfunction. Unfortunately, with all males at the poolside already dazed into a stupor by the tiny pieces of string that pass for the spinster schoomarm's bathing costume, no one notices a few more milimetres of flesh on display.

But Margery has been busy doing her research. Beginning to weary of the endlessly fruitless oil-sheikh quest in Dubai, she sets her sights on the true City of Black Gold, Abu Dhabi. And what likelier hunting ground than the self-proclaimed seven-star splendour of Emirates Palace?

But alas! For vanity's sake, Margery has left her spectacles back at Cell Block G. In the vast, dimly-lit caverns of the world's most expensive pink elephant, the effect is more Velma from Scooby Doo than Jessica Rabbit. The schoolmistress gropes her way through the gloomy marble cave system, lost and confused, unable to tell the difference between curtains and keffiyahs. A four hundred dirham cup of tea assuages her thirst, if not her disappointment.

Spelunking Abu Dhabi

The first chink of brilliant daylight comes as a shock after several hours exploring the dark caverns of the Al Qasr Al Emarat Caves in Abu Dhabi. A natural wonder of the world, the caves were formed out of beautiful pink marble and rare granite over thirty million seconds ago. Veins of pure gilt run through the walls of the rock passages, dimly lit with a weak yellow light to preserve the fragile minerals.

Tourism has sadly left its usual scars, with several gift shops and five-star "caveterias" built inside the caves themselves. Some of the larger caverns, which boast glittering natural crystal formations hanging from their roofs, are even hired out for parties and banquets. There are also some fine cave paintings created by primitive people two thousand years after BC, but it is sadly too dim to see the walls clearly and strong flashbulbs are not permitted.

Do take a warm coat and thermal gloves if you visit, as the subterranean atmosphere is several degrees below freezing throughout the entire cave complex. Cases of hypothermia are regularly reported, with leading arctic explorers known to quail at the prospect of prolonged exposure to Al Qasr Al Emarat's sub zero temperatures. But braving the lowest caverns is worth it, as there are several natural desalinated mineral water springs that bubble up in fountain-like formations.

As another caution, don't wander too far from your tour guide. The caves involve several miles of winding, maze-like tunnels and dark passages, and it is very easy to lose your way and wander round in circles for days on end. Two Siberian visitors were tragically lost in the notorious Al Qa'a Al Hafalat labyrinth in October 2005, their bodies have never been recovered.

Golden Hogwarts

Abu Dhabi's latest mega-hotel, the "seven-star" Emirates Palace, is breathtakingly grandiose from the exterior. Inside, it is a bizarre labyrinth of passages, atria, winding stairways and escalators, vaulted ceilings and cloisters, all bathed in an unnatural, yellow-beige-gold light.

Everything is in the same tones of gold and beige and pale brown and cream: there is no contrast at all. The problem is that some truly beautiful details: a gold mosaic, or a moulded ceiling like the inside of a golden shell, are lost in the all-pervasive beigeness. There is also a dearth of natural light.

The staff is excellent, the rooms lovely (bar the buggy remote entertainment/ambience control system), the food superb: but the overall interior effect is Hogwarts converted into the world's largest airport lounge.