Seven star service

Here's a lucrative career suggestion for anyone struggling in the Dubai recession, and you don't even have to get out of bed:

"STUNNING star student Paige Ashley turned her back on a lawyer's career to make £1million as a real life Belle de Jour.

My biggest one-off job was with three Arab businessmen at the Emirates Palace Hotel in Abu Dhabi," she said. "It's a seven-star hotel and everything is decked out in gold leaf. They paid me £20,000 for one night with all of them. By morning I was exhausted.

"Arab men are fascinated by Western women. We're almost like status symbols to them. I've met girls working in Abu Dhabi, Dubai and Bahrain who've made a million out of escorting."



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UAE sheikh filmed committing torture

This is an unpleasantly graphic story to quote extensively from, but the response of UAE authorities is relevant and disturbing:

In a statement to ABC News, the UAE Ministry of the Interior said it had reviewed the tape and acknowledged the involvement of Sheikh Issa bin Zayed al Nahyan, brother of the country's crown prince, Sheikh Mohammed.

"The incidents depicted in the video tapes were not part of a pattern of behavior," the Interior Ministry's statement declared.

The Minister of the Interior is also one of Sheikh Issa's brother.

The government statement said its review found "all rules, policies and procedures were followed correctly by the Police Department."

That someone born into immeasurable wealth and luxury could commit an act of such inhuman depravity over "a grain delivery" is beyond words. That this man is the son of the late Sheikh Zayed is, for all of us who loved and admired Zayed and greatly mourned his death, a exceedingly bitter pill to swallow.


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Dubai: boom to bust?

"You don't have to be Einstein to work out that things are slowing down."

Not the words of an Embittered Expat™ retrenched from his tax-free job in one of Dubai's endless "Cities", nor a disgruntled journalist having a whinge over an overpriced pint of frothy haram-juice in the Radisson's Media Bar, but a quote from the CEO of one of the world's biggest construction companies operating in Dubai:

"There are undoubtedly issues in Dubai."

The latest word has it that Abu Dhabi has already bailed Dubai out. Dubai allegedly made the desperate (or cunning?) move of courting Saudi and Iranian funds, and fearing increased Iranian influence, Big Dhabi stepped in.

Despite that, the official line is that Dubai still has US$80 billion worth of debt, and no one knows exactly what needs refinancing when:

"The Dubai government has announced it has debts totalling $80bn, but has yet to release a detailed outline of its servicing requirements or the ability of its assets to generate cash flow.

"Borse Dubai is seeking to refinance a $3.8bn loan which matures this week, but officials say the government-owned group is finding it hard to secure the financing it needs from foreign banks, in spite of strong initial interest."

Meanwhile Dubai Holdings is restructuring and consolidating to cut costs, while local newspapers blame the international economy rather than any wobble in the sheikhly Vision™ :

“Dubai will be the fastest city to recover from the impact of the ongoing credit crunch, and the emirate’s real estate sector will once again witness a period of long term boom."

But when international newspapers are printing "lurid rumours" that the Palm Jumeira is sinking and only cockroaches come of out of the hotel taps, the confidence needed to restore Dubai's boom times may be a very long way away.


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Etihad to take over Emirates?

According to The Times, Abu Dhabi is demanding control of Emirates in return for a multi billion dollar bailout:

"The emirate, which is ruled by the Al Maktoum family, has been hit hard by the credit crunch. Its property market, in which many of the big players are state-owned or backed, has enjoyed explosive growth over the last decade but prices are now tumbling, leaving heavily indebted developers badly exposed.

"Government sources in Dubai confirmed last week that talks had begun with Abu Dhabi, which has huge oil and gas reserves, about funding. Rather than ploughing cash into the Dubai state, Abu Dhabi has offered to invest in its neighbour’s strategic assets.

"The airline alone is estimated to be worth about £10 billion and selling a stake in it could generate enough cash to prop up much of Dubai’s economy."

Etihad already bills itself as "the national airline of the UAE". A national airline that doesn't, admittedly, actually fly to the biggest, busiest, most famous city in the UAE if not the entire Gulf. But it soon will if Sheikh Ahmed and his aircraft end up as the sacrificial virgins for Dubai's Big Bubble Burst.

Both airlines deny any merger plans. But given the rapid consolidation taking place in the rest of the aviation industry, having two of the world's fastest growing airlines based in the same tiny country makes increasingly less sense. Certainly plenty of pilots think a closer relationship is on the cards.

Abu Dhabi Annabels

From the people that brought you Jumeirah Janes - welcome to the Abu Dhabi Annabels:

"After eight years in the idyllic French countryside, my husband, Rupert, and I decided it was time for a change. We wanted a taste of city life and a new experience for the children before they turned totally French. So, when we were offered work on a newspaper in Abu Dhabi, we accepted.

"I begin every day on the beach. And so do the children: Olivia, 9, Bea, 7, and Leo, 5. They go to a kids’ club where they are entertained with everything from swimming to tennis to (unbelievably) ice-skating. By nine o’clock, it is already hot and sunny. So, after a visit to the gym, my husband and I go for a swim. We head out into the Persian Gulf from the beach at the British Club (where else?)".

Christ on an old rusty bicycle wheeled around Jebel Ali in the searing heat by some ill-paid subcon labourer.

"The only acceptable place we have viewed (great location: next to the city’s only Marks & Spencer) is the size of our sitting room and kitchen back in France. It has a tiny view of the sea if you crane your neck, a sitting room, kitchen, two bathrooms and three bedrooms. Olivia declares it “too small” and demands that we move our farmhouse out here."

"Olivia" is nine years old. "Bea" is only seven, yet so precocious that she already has an in depth understanding of whingeing for sheikhly favours wasta:

“We can’t stay here,” says Bea. “We must go and see a sheikh and ask him for somewhere to live.”


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Sheikha Pamela

Not content with building an eco-hotel in Abu Dhabi, former Baywatch star Pamela Anderson is now planning to become Queen of the UAE. Or at least a princess:

Anderson has been quietly seeing a man from the United Arab Emirates. And he's not just any man—the dude is a member of Abu Dhabi's royal family, a source exclusively tells me.

Apparently the happy couple have been spotted hanging out in a gay bar in West Hollywood and Pamela "usually refers to him by a pet name: Milk-Sheik, or Milk for short."

Perhaps Pamela has been reading too many sheikhly romance novels. Either way, her red Baywatch bikini should brighten up the new thousand-dirham notes, or look great on UAE postage stamps.


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Abu Dhabi Baywatch

What's more absurd?

1. Playboy-model-come-home-porn-star Pamela Anderson wants to build a hotel in a conservative Islamic emirate

2. She plans to build a zero-fossil-fuel eco-friendly hotel in one of the biggest carbon-chugging nations in the world

Pamela Anderson wants to open a hotel in Abu Dhabi, say reports.

The former Playboy model is planning to develop her own eco-friendly resort in the country.

"I'm building a hotel there," she is quoted as saying. "It's environmentally friendly.

"I went there with the Make A Wish Foundation and met some great people there, and the royal family was really friendly."

Perhaps she can bring her Baywatch buddies round to fan those friendly sheikhs with date palm fronds as they swelter in her un-airconditioned, electricity-free, "kind-to-the-earth" resort.


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The Lulu mermaid

Sadly, Abu Dhabi's greatest contribution yet to cryptozoology and marine biology is just an email hoax according to Gulf News. An cyber-missive is circulating showing pictures of an apparent mermaid found on Lulu Island:

The Environmental Agency-Abu Dhabi, in a statement issued to Gulf News said: "Mermaids do not exist and never have done according to scientific record.

"They are mythological so it would be impossible to have a real mermaid. The photograph is clearly a hoax."

Given her looks the Lulu mermaid is going to need an exceptionally beautiful voice to lure any dhow-sailors onto the rocks. She'd have far a better career chance as an extra in Doctor Who than as a seductive sea siren.

Next week: Dubai Scientists Discover World's First and Largest Yeti in Hatta. Stay tuned.

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The Grand National

A new newspaper, the Abu Dhabi-based The National, has entered the sandlands media scene. There is already plenty of comment on it, from praise to scorn.

But the inescapable fact is that no matter how sparkling the prose or spectacular the photography, a "news" publication can only go so far in a regime of severe media oppression. The fact that the UAE government bans blogs that are "critical" of it speaks for itself: how pathetic and contemptible that some of the richest and most powerful people on earth can't take a little dissent. So The National is about as likely to push the envelope as Sheikh Khalifa is to move to Sonapur.

Perhaps the kindest interpretation of The National is as a kind of landlubbing in-flight magazine for Abu Dhabi. We learn that Abu Dhabi is a magical place (isn't magic illegal in the UAE?) and how praiseworthy the UAE military is, and how preservation-worthy the UAE national identity is, and how failed reviled liar former British prime minister Tony Blair is silver-tongueing a few sheikhly backsides, but does anyone really care?

The truth of The National is that it is an Abu Dhabi government-owned, Abu Dhabi government-funded, Abu Dhabi government-run, Abu Dhabi government-promoting Abu Dhabi rag. It may be well-written and an interesting read for that. But that doesn't make it a news publication of international calibre, which given the quality of its staff is very sad.

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Robes of justice

As promised back in January, by Justice Minister Mohammad Bin Nakhira Al Daheri, the laws has been amended to allow women on the UAE bench:

Abu Dhabi: The emirate of Abu Dhabi has appointed its first ever female judge, WAM reported.

The appointment of Khuloud Ahmad Al Dhaheri as a judge in the court of first instance was announced in a decree issued by His Highness Shaikh Khalifa Bin Zayed Al Nahyan,
President of the UAE, Supreme Commander of the UAE Armed Forces and Ruler of Abu Dhabi.

According to WAM she is the first ever female judge in the history of the UAE.


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Mall marriage

It really is Mad March in the UAE: here's a newlywed groom abandoning his wife in an Abu Dhabi shopping mall and going home to sleep:

Apparently, the man only realised his folly when his mother asked where his wife was. He, then, rushed to the shopping mall to find his wife weeping, surrounded by curious onlookers. The hapless woman did not have the contact number of her husband nor the contact number of her in-laws.

However, after some heart-burning and arguments, followed by conciliation efforts by elderly people, the woman forgave her husband... and the couple are reportedly living happily ever after!

Royal joyride

An amusing story, sent in by an associate. US popstar Justin Timberlake comes to the UAE and plays a major UAE venue. Three RAF pilots on the Tornado F3 deployment in the Gulf go along to the show. "Drink is taken as it is with Irish navvies and fighter pilots," the source notes.

Somehow, the three pilots find themselves unsure of how to return home - one thing leads to another and they end up breaking into a shiny sheikhmobile.

"On the road, the cops. Shit. Arrested. Worse shit: turns out the sheikhmobile belongs to the brother of El Presidente himself."

The men have now apologised but will appear in court next week on car theft and drinking charges.

Death of a Souqman

Few things are sadder than the wanton destruction of history and tradition, and in the 21st century the loss of an old, working souq is inexcusable:

Abu Dhabi: Residents say they are nostalgic about the good things which the old souq provided and miss the exotic smells and the bargaining.

The old souq was knocked down more than one year ago and residents say they have mixed feelings of the 'mall culture'.

"People just roaming around the malls without purchasing anything," said one resident.

This is UAE culture that has actively, wilfully been trampled into the dust for the sake of lucre and "progress". When people complain that longer time residents of the sandlands - whether expat or resident - sound bitter or negative, this is why. Because the things that people loved and cherished in this country are being destroyed. Disneysouqs such the Madinat are zero compensation.

Naughty knickers

How is one supposed to display lingerie in a decent way?

ABU DHABI — The Markets Control Section at the City Landscape Department of Abu Dhabi Municipality has confiscated lingerie and women’s undergarments at a store in a shopping mall as these were put on display in an indecent way, sources said.

Sex in the City

What a Carry On in the Capital: hordes of angry Abu Dhabi residents chasing naughty nymphettes from the Qasr to the Corniche. Act I - SMS by sex - furious Dhabians are being spammed with text messages advertising "girls of different Arab nationalities" for sexual services:

"I wonder how etisalat allows such messages to reach people. They should monitor all messages and block indecent ones," [one resident] said.

"It is against our traditions and religion. Even in Europe and other countries which allow such companies to operate, these kinds of messages will not be allowed to reach people's mobile phones," he said.

Another irritated woman said her husband had received these messages inviting him to have sex with young Arab girls in Abu Dhabi. "I tried to contact the company several times but no one is responding," she said. "Etisalat should prevent people from sending these messages and they should monitor the content of them."

Act II - air ho-stesses - Dhabians are up in arms over the comings and goings of female flight staff in "half-dressed attire":

One resident said: "I don’t really care about their social life, when we see them getting picked up by flashy cars, but when these cars cause inconvenience to the residents… it is of significant concern." They added: “I have no issues with Etihad Airlines but if they could teach their staff how to behave when they are not flying it would be greatly appreciated.” Etihad refused to comment.

And we must also refrain from commenting on the possibility of any connection between these two stories.

Margery's malfunction

Petrol Prince Charming still not knocking at the door, Margery decides desperate measures are needed, and manages to engineer a bikini wardrobe malfunction. Unfortunately, with all males at the poolside already dazed into a stupor by the tiny pieces of string that pass for the spinster schoomarm's bathing costume, no one notices a few more milimetres of flesh on display.

But Margery has been busy doing her research. Beginning to weary of the endlessly fruitless oil-sheikh quest in Dubai, she sets her sights on the true City of Black Gold, Abu Dhabi. And what likelier hunting ground than the self-proclaimed seven-star splendour of Emirates Palace?

But alas! For vanity's sake, Margery has left her spectacles back at Cell Block G. In the vast, dimly-lit caverns of the world's most expensive pink elephant, the effect is more Velma from Scooby Doo than Jessica Rabbit. The schoolmistress gropes her way through the gloomy marble cave system, lost and confused, unable to tell the difference between curtains and keffiyahs. A four hundred dirham cup of tea assuages her thirst, if not her disappointment.

Spelunking Abu Dhabi

The first chink of brilliant daylight comes as a shock after several hours exploring the dark caverns of the Al Qasr Al Emarat Caves in Abu Dhabi. A natural wonder of the world, the caves were formed out of beautiful pink marble and rare granite over thirty million seconds ago. Veins of pure gilt run through the walls of the rock passages, dimly lit with a weak yellow light to preserve the fragile minerals.

Tourism has sadly left its usual scars, with several gift shops and five-star "caveterias" built inside the caves themselves. Some of the larger caverns, which boast glittering natural crystal formations hanging from their roofs, are even hired out for parties and banquets. There are also some fine cave paintings created by primitive people two thousand years after BC, but it is sadly too dim to see the walls clearly and strong flashbulbs are not permitted.

Do take a warm coat and thermal gloves if you visit, as the subterranean atmosphere is several degrees below freezing throughout the entire cave complex. Cases of hypothermia are regularly reported, with leading arctic explorers known to quail at the prospect of prolonged exposure to Al Qasr Al Emarat's sub zero temperatures. But braving the lowest caverns is worth it, as there are several natural desalinated mineral water springs that bubble up in fountain-like formations.

As another caution, don't wander too far from your tour guide. The caves involve several miles of winding, maze-like tunnels and dark passages, and it is very easy to lose your way and wander round in circles for days on end. Two Siberian visitors were tragically lost in the notorious Al Qa'a Al Hafalat labyrinth in October 2005, their bodies have never been recovered.

A flustered virgin

"...and I hope very much that Virgin will always remain a virgin."

A Dubai airport exec's rather bizarre wish to Sir Richard Branson, at a press conference held in the shadow of the Burj to welcome Virgin Atlantic to the sandlands. Is it possible to hymen-test an aircraft?

Equally bizarre, though perhaps explained by Sir Richard's jetlag, lack of sleep and "stinking cold" (according to his PR people), was the goodly knight's apparent confusion over the difference between Dubai, the UAE, and Abu Dhabi:

"...UAE maybe one day, obviously enormous investment's got to go into the UAE to try and turn it into sort of the second Dubai, but it's actually really quite close to here so I'm not sure that we need to set up a separate airline there."

Here's a small guide to help future airline execs navigate more competently around sandlands terminology:

Dubai - a sandy city of brand new skyscrapers and permanent gridlock

Abu Dhabi - a sandy city of 20-year-old skyscrapers and moving traffic

UAE - a very sandy land that is the top of the foot of the great boot of the Arabian Peninsula. It currently contains both Abu Dhabi and Dubai. At least for now.

Who said diplomacy was dead?

WAM, that's who:

Abu Dhabi, Feb 22, 2006 (WAM) - Qatari Ambassador and dean of the Diplomatic Corpse Abdullah Mohammad Al othman held a reception at Abu Dhabi Hilton Hotel to honor the out-going Syrian Ambassador Mohammad Riyadh Na'san Agha to mark the end of his tenure and his appointment as Minister of Culture in Syria.
Present at the reception were officials and heads of the Arab and foreign diplomatic missions in UAE.

With thanks to a sharp-eyed masdaar.

Space ants of Abu Dhabi

"Beware of Road Surprises" says the bright yellow sign welcoming motorists to Abu Dhabi emirate. The only surprising thing about the Abu Dhabi road is that roadworks have been going on at Shahama for at least four years, with no apparent progress made. By comparison, Dubai has built half a dozen entire new intersections on its part of the road in the past two years.

The pace of life is generally described as "more relaxed" in Abu Dhabi, so the roadworks look safe for another decade or so. The UAE's capital has been busier building in its city centre, with the Grand Mosque nearly complete, the Emirates Palace already open, and land reclamation now extending the seafront. The skycrapers along the Corniche are flatter, glassier and more uniform than those in other emirates, giving a sort of space-age termite-mound effect.

The ants themselves are a fascinating study. At one beach hotel a local ladies' wedding party was finishing in the ballroom just as a western style nightclub opened. Crowds of full-face-veil abayas flowing out past an influx of mixed, tight-bright-skimpy multicultural types is a sight one never quite gets used to.