Xanadu Atlantis

In Jumeirah did Big Sheikh Mo
A massive great hotel decree
Where streams of sacred sewage ran
Through beaches uninhabitable by man
Down to a polluted sea

So twice five dozen top celebs
Did mingle with the local plebs
And there were fireworks bright with flashing stars
Apparently they could be seen from Mars
The only ones that didn't party or rave
Were some newly captured Pacific dolphin slaves

A sheikh with a kandoora
In a vision once he saw
It was an Abyssinian maid
Overworked and poorly paid

And with fireworks loud and grand
He did build that Dubailand
That massive mall! Those slopes of ice!
And we all thought them very nice
But all should cry, Beware! Beware!
This sandy land is not so fair
And now financial storm clouds grow
It might be time to pack and go
For we on honey-dew hath fed
It's time for some real life instead


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Kylie UAE terror plot

There could surely be no source in the world more reliable or well-informed than the greatly respected Daily Star newspaper, so Kylie Minogue may want to consider wearing a kevlar miniskirt when she performs at the Atlantis in November:

Spies have reportedly uncovered a terror plot involving Kylie Minogue's forthcoming gig in the United Arab Emirates.

According to the Daily Star, British spies are investigating a threat to the concert, which is scheduled to take place at the opening of the Atlantis Hotel in Dubai on November 20.

"We believe terrorists may be planning to carry out attacks in the United Arab Emirates," a British Embassy spokesperson is quoted as saying.

"Attacks could be indiscriminate and could happen at any time, including in places frequented by expatriates and foreign travellers."

Meanwhile, journalists who long ago sold their souls for free "seven star" hospitality are raving about the wonders of the sandlands' latest superhotel.

Longer time expats sadly remember the days when one could sit among the shady palms on the Ritz Carlton beach, with no cranes lighting up the night sky behind and before. The days when the sea was a black infinity lit only by the moon, not by the garish concrete splendour of endless Palm Islands and skyscrapers.


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A "Jumeirah pillow"

What is the best way to get that extra special touch of personal room service when staying at a five star hotel? All is revealed in an article about the Jumeirah Carlton Tower:

Just in case you need to know, there’s a coded way to ask for a prostitute. You phone the concierge and say: “Can I have another pillow?” This is embarrassing, because my wife is quite partial to an extra pillow. Which means I’ve often called down and asked for a prostitute to help her sleep. Having said that, they’ve only ever sent a pillow. Which is probably for the best.

The writer of the article also finds plenty of call girls in the bar of Jumeirah's London property. Clearly a wonderful consistency of brand values across the portfolio.

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Float your boat

Queen Elizabeth II is moving to Dubai to live at The Palm.

Or at least her boat version is. The QE2, the world's most famous cruise ship, has been bought from Cunard by Istithmar. She will berth at The Palm Jumeirah in 2009 on a specially built pier and become a luxury floating hotel.

The ship will get a full refurbishment. Presumably this will include removing the pictures of the British royal family and replacing them with more sheikhly portraits. And the casino will have to go - or maybe not, if the vessel counts as "off shore".

Sheikh Mo had a steamboat
It cruised across the main
It anchored at The Palm one day
And never sailed again

High life, low life

TV Terry is back in the sandlands, on a themed high life:low life holiday.

The high life includes some alpine excercise on the snowy slopes of Ski Dubai, where Terry excels at the reverse snow-plough - the quickest way to do the splits on skis. Other lofty attractions include the 50-storey glass lifts at Emirates Towers, a balloon ride high up over the Creek, and brunch at the very peak of the Burj Al Arab with its panoramic views of The Palm.

The low life involves a safari in the narrow alleyways and dive bars of the Golden Sands area, taking in Bur Dubai's increasingly endangered nocturnal wildlife, potholing in Cyclones and whatever what-was-the-Arif-Castle is now, and tunnelling through the shady souqs in hope of excavating some cheap souvenirs.

All the way up, and all the way down.

Pretty women

Everyone's favourite rake-about-town, Sir Raffles of Rutshire, jets in to the sandlands for a week's sun in Abu Dhabi and a week's snow in Dubai. Sipping a mug of mulled Vimto at the Avalanche cafe, he enthuses about the convenience of the UAE for the international cad:

"It's all here: beaches, clubs, sun, sea and snow."

Sadly, one of the sandlands' most famous attractions may be somewhat diminished when Sir Raffles next visits. For many of the downtown ladies are being rounded up and sent back home:

A source in a popular hotel in Bur Dubai said police asked "all suspicious women to step out of the clubs and checked their identification papers before arresting a few."

What exactly is a "suspicious woman"? Do the police perhaps use some kind of points system, where if someone scores more than three out of five then they're sent packing? "Miniskirt: check. East Asian/Russian appearance: check. Enjoys evening strolls around Golden Sands: check. Right love - on your bike."

And what about the myriad of more-modestly dressed ladies with valid visas and even wedding rings who supplement their pin money by visiting five star hotels with various gentlemen friends?

Seven (edible) Wonders of Dubai

1. Thai chicken with cashews
Noodle House, Emirates Towers. Sticky, tasty, sweet and lemongrassy, and absolutely amazing.

2. Rack of Lamb with mash and crispy beans
Finz, Ibn Battuta. Have it medium rare, and let all the juices soak into the mash as you gnaw each succulent chunk from its bone.

3. Teriyaki Steak Soba
Wagamamas, Crowne Plaza. Delicious, as is the Ginger Chicken Udon. Very hard to choose between them.

4. Aromatic Crispy Duck
Summer Place, Metropolitan Sheikh Zayed road. Easily the best crispy-shredded-duck-with-pancakes in the UAE.

5. Bihari kebab
The Daily Restaurant, Bur Dubai. Fiery meat marinaded so long that it is as soft and tender as pâté. Cram great chunks in your maw wrapped up in fresh roti bread.

6. Hammour in Holy Basil
Thai Paradise, Dubai Marina. From the "magic wok", and it really is magic. A sweet, hot, aniseedy sauce, that goes great with prawns too.

7. Beef Ularthiyathu
Thattakuda, Palm Grove, Bur Dubai. Tastiest, most addictive dry-fried beef imaginable. Best eaten with flower-shaped rice Appam pancakes.

The bald and the beautiful

Determined to share more fully in the Arabian experience, spinster schoolmarm Margery plans a final day of culture and tradition. The first move for the spinster schoolmarm is making the perilous journey from the Schwarzwald to Bald Eagle Point, Brazil. Surely such pluck will attract an oil sheikh or two?

But alas! There are none to be found in her second destination, the air-conditioned labyrinth of the Madinat Jumeirah, despite its highly authentic Arabian themepark flavour. Margery wanders, somewhat bow-legged, through the brand new ancient souq. Traditional Arabian souvenirs tempt her from all sides: toy camels dressed as ballerinas and Wild Wadi lifeguards, richly gilded mosque alarm clocks of finest factory plastic, and tinfoil khanjar daggers beautifully engraved with Arabic calligraphy spelling Made In China.

The third and final part of Margery's Arabian extravaganza is dinner at Mashawi, in the picturesque setting of Ibn Battuta mall car park. The food - as ever - is excellent, but sadly the traditional majilis-style outdoor shisha areas have been replaced with plastic chairs and tables, under orders of the general manager according to a waiter. No wonder that the white-robed sheikhs that used to frequent Mashawi are long fled.

And poor Margery must return a spinster once again, after yet another failed marital hunting trip.

Margery's malfunction

Petrol Prince Charming still not knocking at the door, Margery decides desperate measures are needed, and manages to engineer a bikini wardrobe malfunction. Unfortunately, with all males at the poolside already dazed into a stupor by the tiny pieces of string that pass for the spinster schoomarm's bathing costume, no one notices a few more milimetres of flesh on display.

But Margery has been busy doing her research. Beginning to weary of the endlessly fruitless oil-sheikh quest in Dubai, she sets her sights on the true City of Black Gold, Abu Dhabi. And what likelier hunting ground than the self-proclaimed seven-star splendour of Emirates Palace?

But alas! For vanity's sake, Margery has left her spectacles back at Cell Block G. In the vast, dimly-lit caverns of the world's most expensive pink elephant, the effect is more Velma from Scooby Doo than Jessica Rabbit. The schoolmistress gropes her way through the gloomy marble cave system, lost and confused, unable to tell the difference between curtains and keffiyahs. A four hundred dirham cup of tea assuages her thirst, if not her disappointment.

Spelunking Abu Dhabi

The first chink of brilliant daylight comes as a shock after several hours exploring the dark caverns of the Al Qasr Al Emarat Caves in Abu Dhabi. A natural wonder of the world, the caves were formed out of beautiful pink marble and rare granite over thirty million seconds ago. Veins of pure gilt run through the walls of the rock passages, dimly lit with a weak yellow light to preserve the fragile minerals.

Tourism has sadly left its usual scars, with several gift shops and five-star "caveterias" built inside the caves themselves. Some of the larger caverns, which boast glittering natural crystal formations hanging from their roofs, are even hired out for parties and banquets. There are also some fine cave paintings created by primitive people two thousand years after BC, but it is sadly too dim to see the walls clearly and strong flashbulbs are not permitted.

Do take a warm coat and thermal gloves if you visit, as the subterranean atmosphere is several degrees below freezing throughout the entire cave complex. Cases of hypothermia are regularly reported, with leading arctic explorers known to quail at the prospect of prolonged exposure to Al Qasr Al Emarat's sub zero temperatures. But braving the lowest caverns is worth it, as there are several natural desalinated mineral water springs that bubble up in fountain-like formations.

As another caution, don't wander too far from your tour guide. The caves involve several miles of winding, maze-like tunnels and dark passages, and it is very easy to lose your way and wander round in circles for days on end. Two Siberian visitors were tragically lost in the notorious Al Qa'a Al Hafalat labyrinth in October 2005, their bodies have never been recovered.

Flow of conversation

"Good afternoon sir, how are you today?"

Hotel staff in Dubai are known for their excellent service and friendly manner. Generally, it's all fine and good.

Except in the above instance, when the guest in question was standing at a urinal in mid-flow.

Mammoth monstrosity

Interviewing a Sri Lankan tourism exec about his country's attractions was fascinating: it is clearly a lush, beautiful place rich in culture and history. Of particular interest was the elephant orphanage or "transit home", which helps raise and rehome small beasts separated from their herd:

"And eventually, once they have grown up enough, they are returned to the wild in Udawalawe National Park. There are normally between 15 and 30 elephants, between 3 weeks and 4 years old, at the facility."

Tourists and animal lovers can visit the elephant home, meet the orphans, and donate money to help conserve the noble pachyderm.

But why bother? For Lo! and on the eighth day, an elephant-shaped hotel was created at Dubailand. Along with three Taj Mahals, two Eiffel towers, and a Pisa-tower in a fucking pear tree.

Beach wail

Despite its ever-extending coastline and endless promotion of its year-round sun, sea and sand, Dubai does not have a single beach cafe. Excepting ludicrously overpriced tourist traps at five star hotels, where the general public must pay hundreds of dirhams just to access the beach, there is not a single beach-side cafe in the entire emirate. (The cafe at Jumeirah Beach Park is also excepted, as the park is paid entry. Besides which its menu is a foul obesity-hastening horror of grease and junk).

What is surely needed is something like Lime Tree cafe next to a stretch of public beach, such as the Russian beach, Wollongong University beach, or north-of-the-Burj beach. Fresh juices, healthy snacks and sandwiches, a range of good ice creams, and perhaps a selection of suncreams, sun-glasses and the like. Nice wooden tables where one can sit in comfort - air conditioned in summer - and enjoy a sunset drink while watching the sun sink gently into the smog.

Despite the huge crowds of all nationalities that gather on Dubai's beaches in intense heat and sun all year round, for some reason there is not a single cafe remotely like this. Perhaps the hotels form a kind of cartel on beach side catering, preventing all but five-star tourists from enjoying the sea view? Or perhaps a beach side cafe is considered the ultimate in local-youth-corrupting western depravity - an excuse to linger in comfort with a bird's eye view of exposed flesh?

Who said diplomacy was dead?

WAM, that's who:

Abu Dhabi, Feb 22, 2006 (WAM) - Qatari Ambassador and dean of the Diplomatic Corpse Abdullah Mohammad Al othman held a reception at Abu Dhabi Hilton Hotel to honor the out-going Syrian Ambassador Mohammad Riyadh Na'san Agha to mark the end of his tenure and his appointment as Minister of Culture in Syria.
Present at the reception were officials and heads of the Arab and foreign diplomatic missions in UAE.

With thanks to a sharp-eyed masdaar.

Mountainous disappointment

Jebel Hafeet, visited on a recent trip, is currently the subject of criticism in Gulf News:

Al Ain: People expecting to see a well-developed tourist point at Jebel Hafeet, the country's highest mountain, feel frustrated as they find nothing but desolate ground on top.

Many tourists described going up the mountain as a waste of time as there is nothing to see or enjoy.

So what is at the top of this admittedly spectacular crag of rock, jutting up from the flat red sands of Al Ain, magnificent and solitary? Three things: a new Mercure hotel, a palace, and a public cafeteria.

1. The Mercure is a staggering disappointment. Despite its position it has no panoramic views except from a small shisha cafe which was closed. 2/10

2. The palace is inaccessible to the general public. However, from a photography point of view, and fantasy point of view: "woah, imagine living there!" it has some merit. 3/10

3. The cafeteria is utterly execrable. It features nasty, white plastic chairs, serves deep fried anti-food, and has garish coke posters. It has nothing of beauty to recommend it, and nothing remotely traditional or Arabic. 0/10

So while the city it overlooks is a fantasy oasis of date palms, landscaping and civic beautification, poor Jebel Hafeet has been given an immensely raw deal.

"The typical Gulf environment, with its reddish brown dusty and foggy features, is a major hindrance to get a clear view from the top."

This however is not true: the view is spectacular, especially on a clear winter's day.

Futuristic festival of un-fun

A featherlight date souffle, like foaming-creme-brulee flavoured with rich syrupy dates, is an excellent reason to long for the arrival of Ramadan, when it will make its debut in the Ritz Carlton's Ramadan tent.

The other, even better reason to long for Ramadan is that its arrival heralds the end of yet another GITEX. This annual hell-fest of tech, IT, and related cybercrap is suffered by hacks, PR bunnies, IT geeks and weary retailers alike, and is enough to make anyone revert to slate and abacus.

If only GITEX could be biennial, like the superb Dubai Air Show, with its fantastic fighting aircraft and thick-necked foreign military.

Or even better, bicentennial: meaning no one would have to endure it more than once in their lifetime - which is one time too many for most.

We're all going on a summer holiday

...but not to Dubai, in the case of many British holidaymakers:

"Dozens of UK holidaymakers are understood to have cancelled their trips to Dubai after a documentary showing construction work at Jumeirah Beach Residence.

"The programme, Package Holidays Uncovered, was screened on British channel ITV earlier this month. The reporter visited the Hilton Jumeirah and highlighted heavy construction work immediately opposite the hotel."

The only surprising thing about this story is that it took a documentary to alert people. Surely word-of-mouth from friends and family would have been quicker? When glossy brochure promises of either "ocean" or "desert" views turn out to be dredging or dust?

"But a source at a major hotel slammed the state of the area. "The biggest problem is the litter," said the source, who asked not to be named. "There’s styrofoam and plastic everywhere, and the road is turning into a dirt track.

""It doesn’t exactly set a good first impression to visitors." The hotels say they have been able to fill most of the rooms with other customers. Mohammad Abdul Mannan at the Department of Tourism and Commerce Marketing said the problems were regrettable but necessary as Dubai grows."

It has always been a concern that Dubai risked getting the Costa Del Hell reputation that dogged Spain in the 1980s, of half-built hotels, endless building sites and general construction disorder. But the bigger concern is how is it going to shake this reputation off, with major tourism projects under construction for the next decade or more?

From fantasy to fake reality

If there weren't already enough Z-list celebrities flocking to the sandlands, boyband member-turned solo star Jamie Kane has apparently been staying at the Royal Accord Hotel in Dubai:

"The Royal Accord, Dubai's most luxuriant hotel, welcomes you! At the Royal Accord we offer you a stay that is second to none. With our wide range of luxury suites, spas and specialist facilities we can cater for your every indulgence."

But Jamie Kane is not just a Z-list celebrity, he is a fake Z-list celebrity, part of a BBC interactive game, staying in a fake hotel existing only in cyberspace.

The surreal irony of non-existent people staying at non-existent hotels in Dubai is enough to make anyone book into the Accord's US$1450 a night Royal Suite and never come out.

Ponytails and phantom projects

In the Olden Days of Arabia, when the oil-boom migration from tents to palaces was starting to take place, there are endless examples of wily westerners conning millions of oily dollars out of trusting sheikhs. Even in more recent times, fact and folklore turn up many a tale of bogus businessmen enjoying six months of Burj-luxury-hospitality at a local consortium's expense, only to vanish into the night along with their phantom projects.

One would imagine that in these more enlightened, more educated times, the average dishdash would have wised up. Apparently not.

So instead imagine the sheer glee of a bunch of ponytails, shovelling wheelbarrow-loads of dirhams into their bank vaults, after managing to cream eight million dollars out of a UAE company in a "rebranding" exercise.

What did they have to do? Merely cut out half of its name and doodle a logo looking like someone dragged a fork through British Gas.

Every year, billions of dollars are spent worldwide on branding. It is the phantom project of the 21st century: intangible, immeasurable, and as industry experts even admit, often an "obscene waste of money" for clients. To misquote the Bard:

"it is a tale
Told to an idiot, full, of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

King Canute comes to Dubai

People in Dubai often mock-speculate on the next world-first-biggest-and-best extravaganza to be announced in the emirate. Last year's in-joke, Bubble City - a entire city encased in a glass bubble suspended by helium balloons - even got printed as news in several international publications.

The latest truth-is-stranger-than-fiction special is the embodiment of opulent vulgarity that will be the Palazzo Versace. This resort for the super rich will actually feature an air-conditioned beach:

"It will be developed on a 130,000 square metre plot of prime land, in which an artificially-created temperature-controlled beach will serve mainly upmarket leisure travellers."

Hopefully these hyper-moneyed people will be less likely to steal fixtures and fittings than the average package tour holidaymaker. Several Dubai hotels have had to downgrade their furnishings and remove certain items from rooms due to guests' prolific pilfering.

In one beachside property, fifty per cent of the carved wooden stationary holders were getting stolen - the equivalent to nearly one million dirhams a year. Plain, cardboard-backed notepads are now provided instead.