Rolling stones

Dubai's most thrilling legal saga rocks on, with the billion dirham bulletproof onyx now on trial in the Court of Appeal. The stone's owner is willing to take a bullet to prove his magic pebble is effective:

"I am willing to prove to the world that it's a bulletproof onyx stone... I am ready to face a death sentence if that's what will take me to prove that the stone is doubtlessly bulletproof... I didn't con anybody's money, but the police tricked me and filed a malicious case against me," the 52-year-old Yemeni dealer, Q.M., told the Dubai Appeals Court on Monday.

Meanwhile his defence lawyer hopes that modern science can prove the rock's miraculous nature:

"Defence lawyer Saeed Al Ghailani, of Saeed Al Ghailani Advocates and Legal Consultants, asked the Appeal's Court judge to assign a physics expert or Dubai police's criminal laboratory to test the stone and decide whether it contains any electromagnetic powers which deviates the bullet before it hits the stone wearer."

Any test-tube waggling white-bearded boffins out there willing to take up this challenging experiment? Sadly Wikipedia, the usual source of all necessary human knowledge, isn't much help in this instance.

Magic stones

As a leading international hub for trade, tricksters and the trustful, there is no better place to buy "magic stones" than Dubai. The latest peddlar of paranormal pebbles is this bewildered Yemeni entrepreneur charged with trying to sell a bullet-proof onyx for half a billion dirhams:

The suspect said: "I am not a cheat. I had a stall at Global Village where I displayed precious stones, including the onyx. I asked the police to try the stone before confiscating it and arresting me. They refused. I brought it with me from Yemen."

His lawyer Saeed Al Ghailani said his client claimed that he tried the stone once on a sheep and it worked. "We will bring witnesses to corroborate his claims before the court when it reconvene next week," said the lawyer.

The solution is amazingly simple: have the man test the stone out himself. If the bullets bounce off him, he's obviously innocent and the stone is a miracle and cheap at ten times the price.

If it's a hoax: problem solved.

Yemen tribal hospitality

The Surveyor is over from the wild climes of lawless northern Yemen. This visit his smuggled treasure is an AK-47 bayonet destined for a gun-freak relative in the Antipodes. As well as the regular haul of duty-free and ancient flint arrowheads, the Surveyor has plenty of tales of kidnapping and other intrigue.

A Swiss couple who recently enjoyed some tribal hospitality were actually on the same flight to Dubai. Their English wasn't particuarly good, according to the Surveyor, but they seemed to have enjoyed their ordeal, perhaps thinking it a slightly more colourful section of their guided tour:

"The local guide and translator, Amer Al Deen Al Hawthi, who was also held along with the Yemeni driver, added that that their kidnappers had been “good and hospitable”, and had also treated them well. "

Another tale concerns a Chinese worker, recently kidnapped from an oil site in the north. Several weeks went past, but there was still no reaction from the Chinese embassy. Eventually the kidnappers got fed up with waiting, and rang the embassy to inform them that: "we've got one of your men here."

In a reply that has probably exponentially increased the future safety value of all people of Oriental appearance in Yemen, the reply came:

"Have you? We've got plenty more you can take."

Yemen: Bride required

The Surveyor drops into Dubai en-route from Yemen to the Antipodes, solely to pick up a special consignment from City Centre. Not sandalwood camels, pashminas, Omani silver, saffron or even the Burj Al Arab in a plastic snowglobe, but three crates of Heinz tomato soup.

He has another, far more taxing mission: to find a twenty-something white british lady for a Yemeni colleague wanting a third wife. Forty-something Hassan, described as a "bearded Leonard Nimoy", already has twenty children. He earns US$200 a month and lives on a small farm.

The Surveyor admits that Hassan has absolutely no concept of what life is like for the average woman in the UK, nor what her marital expectations might be.

"But on the upside, he doesn't spend all his money on qat," he notes.

Applications on a postcard to hell@in-a-handcart.com.

Cool for qats

It must be immensely disruptive for embassy staff in Sanaa. Unpacking one moment, packing the next. Barely a moment to put up one's feet for a qahwa and qat-laced Ferrero Rocher.

"The British embassy in Yemen has been closed indefinitely due to fears over the security of its staff.

"The embassy's work would be suspended "in the light of a current, credible threat to western interests", the Foreign Office said in a statement."

According to the Surveyor in the wild northern outback, information is fairly scant, save for reports on "ongoing fighting with a local tribe on the Saudi border some 150 miles from here".

No wonder the locals are so irritable, with their constant chewing on catha edulis:

"The devil grew from the earth to consume the nutrients of other innocent plants. He made the Yemeni people lust after Him, and is fighting in their stomachs against valuable nutrients for the human body. Then He runs in their veins like Satan, and enters their pockets to steal their money. Satan can bring them in the morning as far as the mountain peaks but in the evening will not let them sleep, leaving them in the nightmare of their imaginations. The Yemeni people live half of their lives in His magic. He consumes their strength and heroism. He is our governor, this accursed tree."