Manic Sunday

Five o'clock already
And the mosques are all beginning to wail
I was kissing Valentino
And they caught me and they threw me in jail

But I can't be late
Because I gotta drive Al Shittihad Road
These are the days
When you wish it all would go and explode

It's just another manic Sunday
Wish it were Friday
'Cause that's my dead day
My don't-get-out-of-bed day
It's just another manic Sunday

Have to cross the bridge again
Gotta be at work by eight
And if I had a sheikhmobile
I'd still be three hours late

'Cause the Sunny in front
Can't go faster than two miles an hour
And the roads are all blocked
Where they're building yet another bloody tower

It's just another manic Sunday
Wish it were Friday
'Cause that's my brunch day
My all-I-do-is-lunch day
It's just another manic Sunday

All of the time
Why do they seem to want to drive us out
Of this town?
Nobody cares
That the rents are up
And the pay is down

They tell us when we start to moan:
"If you don't like it, you can go home"
Time it goes so slow
When you're stuck in traffic...

It's just another manic Sunday

Dubialect

7Days has attempted to define "Dinglish" - a unique dialect of English spoken in Dubai. Most of its suggested phrases are rather unlikely to catch on, but a few deserve attention:

how much? - A colloquial Bur Dubai greeting.

lebbed out - State of exhaustion sometimes associated with Peppermint nightclub.

modhesh-fatigue - The state of irritability currently afflicting many Dubai-residents.

my friend - A total stranger.

They missed out a few:

OBE (Old Boring Expat) - those that bore on endlessly about how there used to be "nothing but the Trade Centre" and "we all used to go to Sharjah for a great night out"

Al Shittihad Road - where 60% percent of Dubai's workforce spends 80% percent of its waking hours

Graysian - couple comprising grey-haired paleface, granddaughter-age East Asian lady

Kretin Times - Your No 1 Favourite Stab-Your-Own-Eyeballs Daily Newspaper

Murdhesh - the state of outright grab-a-knife, buy-an-AK47, rent-a-nuke from Osama if one has to drive past that damn grinning yellow maggot one more time

Malicious bureacracy

There are many administrations in western and developing worlds that deserve this accolade, but perhaps none so much this week as that of Dubai, specifically Dubai police. And perhaps their roads and traffic planning department.

The case in point was applying for a "good character" form - ie proof of not having a criminal record. After several hit and misses at various police buildings all over Deira, I was directed to "man in red turban" at some Police Criminal Office.

Searching round for the relevant sikh gentleman, it was soon realised that "red turban" referred to a dishdash with the red-and-white-check tablecloth headdress, as opposed to the regular white napkins normally used in the UAE.

"Typ ths in Arabeek."

I am given a form covered in the evil squiggles. Where to go? Turban directs me to the "Labour Office" across the road. Then the realisation hits. There is no way to cross Al Ittihad Street by foot. There is no crossing, no road-bridge, no underpass. The central reservation isn't even scaleable, it is a seven-foot high concrete wall. The only way to get from one office to the next is by taxi - drive several miles up the road, find a roundabout, and drive all the way back. Once the form is "typped", repeat same in reverse.

Ten out of ten for the food at tonight's BMW launch. It started off as an eight, pipped to a nine by an excellent chilli soy dip and a fine array of non-gelatine-coated fruit.

But what must give this sportscar-spread the ultimate award was a large bowl of white chocolate mousse. It tasted like the distilled essence of Nestle Milky Bars.