Fair cops

Dubai Police are among the best in the world.

According to... Dubai Police!

A huge round of applause to Lt General Tamim for winning such an outstanding self-accolade.

Meanwhile is anyone else slightly disturbed that "causing death to others" has only just been made a road rule?

Laissez-faire driving in the city is a thing of the past — something that has been made clear by the UAE government's new road rules which came into effect on March 1. New rules include "Causing death of others" to "Driving a noisy vehicle" and "Driving without spectacles or contact lenses."

Police under-the-covers

We know how amazing Dubai police are, so perhaps they could teach their Sharjah counterparts the concept of "making ones excuses and leaving".

Because although we must admire them for their dedication to duty, going undercover to expose prostitution doesn't need to go as far as actually getting under the covers:

ABU DHABI — Two young girls who stripped with the intent to have sex with two plainclothes cops have been sentenced to 60 lashes each for practising prostitution and adultery

Ah! But it's not really their fault. The Sharjah cops were "enticed" by the two underage girls, who will now be lashed. A great result all round for Justice, Virtue, and and the Crusade Against Vice.

Because what defences do two adult male professional law enforcement officers possibly have if two young children "entice" them into wickedness?

Fight the good fight

Hooray for this plucky Ruskie who is fighting against a ludicrously unfair parking ticket:

"The Russian refused to pay the fine and pointed out that the marked lines allowed him to park as he did. He also showed the parking ticket he bought from the machine.

"The police officials, however, told him that the lines were old and he should have parked closer to the pavement. He was also told that the dotted lines had been cancelled following construction on the highway."

That the police even attempted such derisory arguments absolutely beggars belief.

Passionate police prose

Anyone getting bored of the local newspapers can find a wealth of first rate literature at the Dubai Police website:

"It was that thin line between reality and hallucination that was lost from this group. They were under the Marijuana influence , going high in their fascinations and rejoicing with this intoxication sense .They went too far to keep this sense , deciding to provide their own supplement of this narcotic plant , even if it means growing it in their own accommodation. The Anti-Narcotics officials in Dubai Police, nevertheless , were leading a surveillance, watching the group of men pampering the weed and awaiting for it to grow .The Force dropped in just on time , before the weed turning into blue smoke ."

Click on Criminal Investigation Record then Archive Cases for more crime thrillers. These are no mere, dry crime reports such as might be churned out by a staid and uninspired UK constabulary, but beautifully crafted pieces of literary art:

"It was one of those ordinary hot days in July , 2nd , 2005 when the personnel in the jewelry shop located in Al Maktoum main road came to open it as usual at 9:00 am .They were shocked to find out that a thievery took place , someone broke into the shop at night and managed to steal Dhs ( 2,400,000) million worth of famous trademark wristwatches , sunglasses and golden necklaces ."

As in any good detective novel, evil shall never prevail!

"Their dreams of fast wealth increased with every blow on the safe. They went high with much great expectations , only to fell down& shatter on the ground of reality. When opening the safe they found a small purse ,Inside it a sum of 500 Dhs only. Was it worth it to spare a soul for 500 Dhs."

The "O, mindly people consider!" section contains some superb photography. Or brush up your "Traffic Principles and Decipline." And if you really want to help Dubai Police, there's a gallery of Most Wanted suspects featuring some truly superb moustaches.

For those trembling in their beds after reading so much villainry, fear not! According to Dubai Police, no criminal is ever left un-caught:

"The modus operandi that criminals use is varies, some times it is very extensive and sophisticated. Yet it must fall into an inevitable fate, leading perpetrators into the hands of justice."

Skating SWAT squad

[Insert appallingly bad pun on the "wheels of justice", since the Khaleej Times inexplicably failed to] as Dubai police have formed a rollerskating security team to chase down criminals:

The "Naif Panthers," as they would be called will be on the prowl in various areas, particularly the commercial zones, under the jurisdiction of the police station.

Clad in T-shirts with the Dubai Police logo emblazoned across, these cops will help monitor the crime situation in the area and reach crime sites which are not accessible to police patrol cars like narrow alleys and paths, Major Khalid Khalfan Al Mansouri, Acting Director of Naif Police Station, said, adding that they would carry their identity cards but would otherwise be dressed in casuals.

Well, at least they won't be tripping over their dishdashes.

Major Al Mansouri said these cops would also have the ability to prevent any surprise elements that criminals may have up their sleeves on spotting a police patrol car.

T-shirt with police logo emblazoned:surprise element. Hardly.

Grin and bare it

Driven by enthusiasm, perhaps, for the UAE's new 160kmph speed limit, Dubai motorists are putting on quite an exhibition for traffic cops:

"A few days ago, I saw the radar picture of a young man naked and driving at very high speed. This picture was very embarrassing, and it was clear the young man had done it on purpose. He did not even bother to hide the number plate of his car.

"Another picture was of a woman who showed her breast to the radar while she was speeding. She covered her car number plate. I hope she gets punished," [a police source] said.

More modest young men and women are keeping their private body parts off-camera, instead "showing their fingers" to the radar cameras.

But pity the poor traffic cops in Sharjah, working a three-week month due to inadequate fuel rations:

"Most patrols finish their rations of fuel between the 23rd and 26th of the month," the source said.

Each police patrol vehicle usually carries two policemen but at the end of the month the number in each vehicle increases to four policemen," the police source told Gulf News.

Exquisite stupidity: the Chinese "alphabet"

Dubai police have decided to improve relations with the Chinese community, by sending twenty officers on a crash course in "Chinese" (Mandarin? Cantonese??) According to Gulf News, "The participants will go through an eight-week beginners course during which they will learn the alphabet."

If by the end of the course any of the Keystone Coppers manages Ni Hao it will be a minor miracle.

Malicious bureacracy

There are many administrations in western and developing worlds that deserve this accolade, but perhaps none so much this week as that of Dubai, specifically Dubai police. And perhaps their roads and traffic planning department.

The case in point was applying for a "good character" form - ie proof of not having a criminal record. After several hit and misses at various police buildings all over Deira, I was directed to "man in red turban" at some Police Criminal Office.

Searching round for the relevant sikh gentleman, it was soon realised that "red turban" referred to a dishdash with the red-and-white-check tablecloth headdress, as opposed to the regular white napkins normally used in the UAE.

"Typ ths in Arabeek."

I am given a form covered in the evil squiggles. Where to go? Turban directs me to the "Labour Office" across the road. Then the realisation hits. There is no way to cross Al Ittihad Street by foot. There is no crossing, no road-bridge, no underpass. The central reservation isn't even scaleable, it is a seven-foot high concrete wall. The only way to get from one office to the next is by taxi - drive several miles up the road, find a roundabout, and drive all the way back. Once the form is "typped", repeat same in reverse.

Ten out of ten for the food at tonight's BMW launch. It started off as an eight, pipped to a nine by an excellent chilli soy dip and a fine array of non-gelatine-coated fruit.

But what must give this sportscar-spread the ultimate award was a large bowl of white chocolate mousse. It tasted like the distilled essence of Nestle Milky Bars.