That sinking feeling

A karaoke tragedy for Lola LebCan, whose world record for most microphone time was smashed by a former competitor on Stars In Their Eyes (Harry Connick Jr) ringing it at Harry Ghattos last night. Never before has anyone sung so loudly and so long.

Singing considerably less loudly, a source reveals information set to spread the warm glow of Schadenfreude across the Emirate. Let the glorious song of Tight Fit ring throughout the clubs, bars and karaoke halls:

Fantasy Island - all we ever dreamed of
True love - holdin' us together
Star shine - Fantasy Island
Oh I wish that we didn't have to spend hundreds of millions more dollars raising the sinking island by another two metres

Depths of Deira

Dubai is a quieter Emirate this month, with the sudden departure of Lola LebCan for the cooler climes of Montreal. But to liven things up, schoolteacher Margery has packed her carpet bag and arrived for another desperate attempt to nail an oil-rich dishdash.

Sorrows over the tragic and premature death of SHAC2 news were drowned out at Hibiki karoke bar at the Hyatt Regency. Career opportunities are everywhere in Dubai, so it was no surprise to get an "are you Russian?" offer of employment following us back from the bathroom. Margery was upset to discover this particular dishdash was searching for something considerably less committed than marriage.

But where there's life there's hope. If she can't score an oil sheikh, perhaps she'll make do with an oil worker at Jebel Ali Club instead.

Middle of Motown

At karaoke tonight in the very heart of Sheikhmohammedville - a video transcending any other ever made. Madonna's "La Isla Bonita" - so nano-sized was its budget, so limited the creative flair and talent of its crew, that the the Espana effect derived from a flamenco act at some variety club in what could only have been a grim ex-mining town in the arse end of north England.

Sadly the flamenco act was over well before the song, so the second half of the Spanish Lullaby featured Jim Bowen's grandpa with clip-on bowtie and spangled tux, backed by twin Widow-Twankies and a gay pride Buzz Lightyear.

All up, it was probably still more tasteful than Madonna's latest video.

The One and Only

Failing to find a cheap chair in The One is frustrating but not exactly surprising. It's not quite Ikea. As usual the shop was crammed to the gills with Jumeira Janes carrying out Seasonal shopping, filling their vacuous undertasked lives with overpriced cushions and floating candles. Is is a visa requirement for all White Expat Wives to have dyed blonde hair, designer clothes and dreadful children?

Karaoke at Emirates Towers: the usual medley of Elvis, Spice, and a seasonal touch with "White Christmas". Why don't Muslims sing carols? It might be fetching to have a small band of sheiklets singing hadiths every Ramadan, cheeks rosy from the desert heat and dishdashes shining angel-white in the villa floodlights.

One of the buyers from The One was at the karaoke, sharing the horrid tale of two Jumeira Janes' relentless hunt for "bathroom accessories." We left with the image of a dust-gathering dish of falsely-dyed seashells sending shivers down our spines.