A Tale of Two Toilets

The EMEA IT A-listers gathering in Fujairah this week must have been in ecstasies at the Meridien Al Aqah's high-tech lavatories. They feature a range of electronic bidet controls from "medium spray female" and "medium spray male" to "hot blower" and "cold blower". Fantastic. French-polished nether-regions in seconds.

Far less impressive is the plight of the more lowly lavatories at Dubai's latest shopping megaplex, Ibn Battuta mall. According to a source, the men's lavatory seats at Ibn Battuta constantly need replacing. The reason? Workers from the nearby labour camps keep going in and using the toilet hose as a shower whilst standing on the seat.

"Not quite the image Nakheel is looking for I am sure," the masdaar comments.

Sleeping with Sheikhs

The bedishdashed gentry and royalty of the region frequent the Meridien Al Aqah resort in Fujairah, meaning that the bed in the "Royale Suite" has statistically been used by at least a couple of dozen sheikhly couples in the last year. Standing on the panoramic balcony, larger than an entire Guantanamo flatlet, this is a very satisfying thought.

Fujairah is another land, where the sun rises over the sea and sinks in a blaze of gold behind the rugged Hajjar mountains, turning the mangrove wetlands of Khor Kalba to rivers of reflected fire. A place to escape the endless flatness, traffic and commercialism of the western Emirates.

Headline of the week: Infiltrator held atop mountain, camel at large.