The Beast of Badiya

Something is munching sheep on the East coast. Is it:

(a) a mountain lion
(b) an (extinct) Arabian cheetah
(c) a wolf
(d) a lost mountain tribe of sorcerors
(e) a blood-sucking vampire-like creature

The smart money's on the latter. In other news, a judge has denied Dubai the chance of holding a trial more momentous than OJ Simpson or Lady Chatterley. The magic bullet-proof onyx man has got six months in Al Slammer:

In a lively court case, the guilty man’s lawyer asked the judge to allow a test to be carried out, where the defendant would have worn the onyx and been shot at to test its powers. The judge refused.

Twisted firestarter

Fantastic! A pyromaniac genie is up to wicked tricks in Fujairah:

"There is no other reasonable explanation but the genies are doing this,” Sulaiman, a colonel in the Civil Defence, said, adding that he did not believe that genies (Spirits with supernatural powers, known as ‘jinn’ in Arabic) were responsible until he witnessed the stange events unfolding in the house for himself.

"I saw with my own eyes my colleagues' hoses becoming tangled up with each other to prevent the water coming out to extinguish the flames. It was so strange." This week, terrified by the series of strange events, the family had an exorcism performed inside the property. "Furniture and clothes began flying as the ceremony was taking place. The genies were not happy,” Sulaiman explained.

Wasn't there another genie some time ago causing electrical fires in a villa somewhere?

World's oldest man dies in UAE

Apologies to the late Benito Martinez (126) and Elizabeth Lizzie Bolden (116), both reported to be the world's oldest people when they died.

You weren't. That honour apparently goes to Fujairah's Ali bin Abdullah bin Ezab (140), which also makes him the world's oldest person anywhere ever, beating France's Jeanne Calment who died at a comparatively youthful 122:

FUJAIRAH — A Fujairah resident, said to be the oldest man in the emirate, passed away yesterday. He was 140 years old. The man, Ali bin Abdullah bin Ezab, hailed from the town of Dhadna, 70km from Fujairah.

Banana Royale

This week's excuse for the UAE's perennially disrupted internet service is a rather novel and exciting one. It appears that world-famous secret agent James Bond is building a giant banana-shaped island off Fujairah:

"The shifting of the three cables will take about two days each to steer clear of the artificial, banana-shaped, island planned to be set up in the area", according to Sean Connery, the British engineer in charge.

What will 007's latest adventure be titled?

1. Sandraker
2. Seafloor Shaken, Internet Stirred
3. GoldenSouq
4. The World is Not Enough
5. From Rashidiya with Love
6. Dr Laah
7. Octoproxy
8. Dishdash Another Day
9. Diamonds Are On Special
10. The Camel Who Loved Me

Stoned to death

Extreme sharia is still live and well in Fujairah it seems, with a man sentenced to be stoned to death for adultery:

The man admitted to being married and unable to bring his wife who stayed home with his children, and added that he met the maid in a market, and repetitively practised adultery with her since then. He was referred to the court, which ordered him to be stoned to death, and the maid to be imprisoned for one year and given 100 lashes.

The maid got a lighter sentence because she wasn't already married. Most likely the stoning will be commuted to jail and deportation on appeal (or through pressure from the Federal government). This is not the kind of publicity the UAE needs right now.

An udderly tragic affair

The first hot contender for the Tragic Romance of 2006 is submitted by Kretin Times:

FUJAIRAH — A Bangladeshi labourer allegedly turned into a wild beast after dashing into a cattle pen and sexually assaulting a cow. He was detained and referred to the court, which sentenced him to six months in jail to be followed by deportation.

Court records showed that a national heard abnormal sounds coming out of his cattle pen. When opening the door and checking, he found a Bangladeshi labourer, identified as M.Z., sexually assaulting a cow. He took hold of him and called the police. The man, who was arrested, admitted to his crime, while the cow was sent for medical examination.

God forbid if that poor cow is found not to be a virgin: she'll face the death penalty like last year's comely camel.

Vampires of the East Coast

Vice in RAK and now vampires in Fujairah, can one week in the Sandlands be any more thrilling?

FUJAIRAH — Rumours of a blood-sucking vampire-like creature preying on sheep have turned the sleepy Fujairah suburb of Sakmakam into a favourite hunting ground for scoop-seeking journalists.

Ask the residents about the 'vampire,' and pat comes the reply: "The creature takes the sheep by the neck, sucks the blood and leaves them dead."

Police think it's more likely to be an Arabian leopard (previously thought to be extinct) or wolves.

No way. Wolves don't suck corpses dry of blood, nor do they make for a very exciting story. It's definitely a vampire. Or a chupacabra. Or a really hungry, angry Sheikh who had a very disappointing lunch at the Hilton Jumeirah beach bar.

Sleeping with Sheikhs

The bedishdashed gentry and royalty of the region frequent the Meridien Al Aqah resort in Fujairah, meaning that the bed in the "Royale Suite" has statistically been used by at least a couple of dozen sheikhly couples in the last year. Standing on the panoramic balcony, larger than an entire Guantanamo flatlet, this is a very satisfying thought.

Fujairah is another land, where the sun rises over the sea and sinks in a blaze of gold behind the rugged Hajjar mountains, turning the mangrove wetlands of Khor Kalba to rivers of reflected fire. A place to escape the endless flatness, traffic and commercialism of the western Emirates.

Headline of the week: Infiltrator held atop mountain, camel at large.