Skiing in the rain

Dubai cannot cope with rain. It is a city built only for desert, with flat roofs, limited drainage and few umbrellas for sale. A small amount of water turns highways into slimy, skidding death traps. A downpour floods roads, pavements and car parks, creating gleaming lakes in the desert that last several days before slowly sinking away.

Rain is also not part of Dubai's Great Tourism Plan. It forced Trevor, a visiting customs official, to swap his plans of sun for snow. As the chairlift ascends in the hermetically sealed snow tube, he laments his lack of tan.

"It's not what you expect in the bloody desert is it? Seven days of rain. I definitely wasn't planning on a skiing holiday."

Through his job, Trevor has more knowledge of the capacity of various bodily orifices than any gynaecologist or obstetrician. It will be difficult to regard cylindrical shampoo bottles in the same light ever again, after his cheerily recounted work anecdotes.

One thing in Dubai is always improved by rain. The blue dome of Persia Court at Ibn Battuta mall, which grows duller over time with layers of thick sand and dust, is once again a shining, dazzling azure.

Melodious muezzin

Anyone wanting to hear the Ramadan prayers sung in a truly beautiful way should head for Ibn Spud mall around sunset.

The muezzin, or mosque singer, not only has a lovely voice, but also sings the qu'ran in a really tuneful way, that is nice to hear even if you don't understand what the Arabic means. It sounds a bit like Gregorian chant, and he also seems to really feel and love what he is singing about.

It is rather strange to hear devotional songs ringing through the fluro-lit, technicolour halls of a shopping mall, while people sit around drinking Starbucks and buying trainers. But there is more to life than commercialism, even in Dubai.

Seven (edible) Wonders of Dubai

1. Thai chicken with cashews
Noodle House, Emirates Towers. Sticky, tasty, sweet and lemongrassy, and absolutely amazing.

2. Rack of Lamb with mash and crispy beans
Finz, Ibn Battuta. Have it medium rare, and let all the juices soak into the mash as you gnaw each succulent chunk from its bone.

3. Teriyaki Steak Soba
Wagamamas, Crowne Plaza. Delicious, as is the Ginger Chicken Udon. Very hard to choose between them.

4. Aromatic Crispy Duck
Summer Place, Metropolitan Sheikh Zayed road. Easily the best crispy-shredded-duck-with-pancakes in the UAE.

5. Bihari kebab
The Daily Restaurant, Bur Dubai. Fiery meat marinaded so long that it is as soft and tender as pâté. Cram great chunks in your maw wrapped up in fresh roti bread.

6. Hammour in Holy Basil
Thai Paradise, Dubai Marina. From the "magic wok", and it really is magic. A sweet, hot, aniseedy sauce, that goes great with prawns too.

7. Beef Ularthiyathu
Thattakuda, Palm Grove, Bur Dubai. Tastiest, most addictive dry-fried beef imaginable. Best eaten with flower-shaped rice Appam pancakes.

The bald and the beautiful

Determined to share more fully in the Arabian experience, spinster schoolmarm Margery plans a final day of culture and tradition. The first move for the spinster schoolmarm is making the perilous journey from the Schwarzwald to Bald Eagle Point, Brazil. Surely such pluck will attract an oil sheikh or two?

But alas! There are none to be found in her second destination, the air-conditioned labyrinth of the Madinat Jumeirah, despite its highly authentic Arabian themepark flavour. Margery wanders, somewhat bow-legged, through the brand new ancient souq. Traditional Arabian souvenirs tempt her from all sides: toy camels dressed as ballerinas and Wild Wadi lifeguards, richly gilded mosque alarm clocks of finest factory plastic, and tinfoil khanjar daggers beautifully engraved with Arabic calligraphy spelling Made In China.

The third and final part of Margery's Arabian extravaganza is dinner at Mashawi, in the picturesque setting of Ibn Battuta mall car park. The food - as ever - is excellent, but sadly the traditional majilis-style outdoor shisha areas have been replaced with plastic chairs and tables, under orders of the general manager according to a waiter. No wonder that the white-robed sheikhs that used to frequent Mashawi are long fled.

And poor Margery must return a spinster once again, after yet another failed marital hunting trip.

The Erring Eye

Where to start with the glaring mistakes, misunderstandings and swallowed-down-myths in this Asia Times "Roving Eye - Dubai" article?

1. "Dubai... is a self-described "door to a market of more than 1 billion consumers"."
"Self-described" for a very good reason: it's completely misleading. The vast majority of the billion "consumers" at Dubai's door are dollar-a-day third-worlders. They won't be turning up for a luxury stay at the Ritz Dubailand any time soon.

2. "Most of all, [Sheikh Zayed] had every reason to be proud of his family's intuition and business acumen - as already in the 1940s they had decided to drain Dubai's port while competitors were sleeping."
No. Zayed's family are the Al Nahyans. The Maktoums run Dubai and dredged the Creek. And the "competition" was Sharjah, part of the UAE. And the Creek was actually dredged in the 1950s and Port Rashid built in the 1960s.

3. "Sheikh Zayed was promised as he lay dying that Dubai would continue to flourish - even without gambling casinos. Not for long, it now seems. Arab Las Vegas, anyone?"
Does anyone else find this touching deathbed scene more than a little absurd to imagine? Not to mention completely irrelevant, as Zayed's main concern would have been Abu Dhabi and Al Ain, and the UAE as a whole.

4. "In this mish-mash of wealthy Arab women covered in silk black chadors"
Try black georgette abayas.

5. "armies of men in dishdashas and fake gold Rolexes"
Try solid gold. Fakes are for tourists and expats.

6. "In the totally deregulated airport, anyone may land piloting any sort of aircraft."
Time to patch up the Zeppelin with sellotape and book a landing slot - the DCA will be waiting with open arms.

7. "Dubai remains in essence a protectorate - a status not substantially different from the tribal sheikhdoms dominated by the British until 1971."
Just like New York is a protectorate of Washington. (Did someone forget to decommission the Trucial Scouts?)

8. "During the 2003 invasion and occupation of Iraq, Dubai was neutral. Thus no al-Qaeda attacks [...] an al-Qaeda attack on Dubai remains unlikely."
Sez who? Osama?

9. "If only Dubai realised that $300 billion would buy the entire outstanding debt of the developing world."
So? What's the point here, get the chequebook out? The US 2007 military budget is $463 billion, excluding Iraq.

10. "[Sheikh Mohammed] only acceded to power last January after the death of his elder brother"
No. Sheikh Mo has been in power as Crown Prince since 1995 and has singlehandedly driven the development of Dubai long before ascending to the Rulership.

11. "The "diversification" may have been one-sided so far - it revolves around tourism, real estate and commercial projects."
Surely this would make it three-sided? Quite apart from the fact that it also involves trade, heavy industry, aviation, finance, IT and media (unless they're all lumped in as "commercial").

12. "Five years ago, Dubai's Internet City was literally desert sand."
DIC opened in October 2000.

13. "Ibn Battuta... was reborn as a mall [with] "Chinese", "Indian", "Persian" or "Moroccan" halls."
Andalucia, Tunisia, Egypt, Persia, India, China. No Morocco. Nor is Morocco in any way interchangeable with Persia.

14. "If she's a woman and works as a maid or in a hotel, she can be sexually harassed - and there will be no recourse."
Sexual harassment is a crime in every emirate of the UAE. Her chances of succeeding in an action may be slim, but there is recourse.

15. "Foreign companies can only operate by paying a UAE kafeel (sponsor, guarantor)"
Not if they're in a freezone, where 100% foreign ownership is permitted.

16. "Everyone knows there's a property-market bubble and the stock market is bound to fall."
Terrible journalism. Nobody "knows". People suspect/predict/reckon/speculate and hedge their interests accordingly. And not everyone agrees...

Dubai Hotter 100

The glossip rag known on Dubai radio as "Acklan" (available at all Jumeirah hairdressers now) has yet again chosen 100 bores, has-beens and never-wases in a risibly titled "Hot 100" list. A tricky task indeed: limiting the Roll-Call of Shame to only 100 names - there are tens of thousands of similar dreary, trowel-make-upped wannabes out there.

Time then to present an alternative list. One hundred is boringly long to choose, so here are ten of Dubai's hottest people:

1. Lola LebCan
Lola defines hot. She also defines cool. Which is a paradox, but who cares?

2. Boys in blue
These guys are hot. They're hot because they work all day on building sites, in the hot sun. Very very hot. Possibly the hottest people in the sandlands. And they probably built your villa/apartment/palace.

3. Beach boyz
Who knows who these guys are? They're very probably some of the same boys above, enjoying the beach on their single day off per week. They wanted their photo taken, and they have far hotter, more genuine smiles than any of the frozen botoxed frights and smarmy slicked-backs in Acklan.

4. Dr Al Ka'abi
If only they were all like him. UAE labour minister Dr Al Ka'abi is an outstanding example of a politician committed to rooting out corruption and getting workers paid. They don't come much hotter than this.

5. Ibn Battuta
Love the mall, love the man. Without doubt the hottest-looking man in the UAE. Even being deceased, he's still infernos hotter than any of the dross in Acklan. Absolutely, utterly, smouldering.

6. Sharla Musaibh
Sharla is hot due to the immense warmth of her heart and the courage that burns in her. She has helped improve and even save the lives of countless dispossessed and oppressed sandlanders. Her work roasts the interior design, modelling and general media moronity of the Acklan posse.

7. Michael Faraday + friends
Not technically sandlanders, but certainly deserving of honourary citizenship. We would all be a lot hotter if it wasn't for these boffins and the invention of air conditioning. OBEs (Old Boring Expats) still remember with terror the "good" old days pre-A/C. Hot men with hot ideas.

8. Mohammed Alabbar
Hot-looking (no wonder they want him as a TV presenter), and extra-hot for putting the sandlands on the map with the world's tallest tower. Definitely a contender for the Hottest People list, at least until China builds an even bigger burj.

9. Life Pharmacy staff, DICC
First class customer service: if they don't have what you need, they'll deliver it from one of their other branches at no extra charge, within a couple of hours. All the men and women working at the DICC pharmacy are always polite, friendly, and incredibly nice. So hot, in fact, that they nearly make attending Dubai expos bearable. (But not quite. That would take intravenous morphine for the duration, followed by a six-month all-expenses-paid sabbatical in the Seychelles).

10. Men in RAK
Steamingly hot. No need to explain why.

Spud vs Snow

"The curiosity over Mall of the Emirates is ending, they're all coming back here."

The happy words of an Ibn Spud restaurateur looking around his re-bustling premises. Poor Ibn Spud mall took a big drop in visitors when the Souq of the Snowslope opened. But the latter's tiny, cramped cafes, lack of restaurants, and generally cavernous, gloomy atmosphere are now being rejected as Dubaians flock back to the more colourful, spacious Battuta.

Mall of the Emirates has shockingly poor cafe facilities. Great outlets like Pauls - situated in a lovely indoor plaza in Mercato mall - are crammed into a tiny corner underneath an escalator in MoE. Despite its vast size MoE has just one modest Starbucks, where it is impossible to find a table. Ibn Spud boasts three.

In terms of shopping, MoE reigns supreme: it has myriad more shops, and a vast hypermarket. But people wanting a relaxing coffee, or food in pleasant surroundings - including al fresco - are far better advised to visit Ibn Spud.

Fighting fitness

A new terror has befallen inmates at Cell Block G: the opening of a physical correctional facility at Ibn Spud mall. Hard labour in the form of BodyTorture, BodyTorment and BodyAgony is meted out to the victims unwary enough to ascend the escalators of anguish and pass the turnstile of doom.

But this oppression shall not prevail. It shall not break the spirit of the valiant detainees in this harsh southern gulag.

Inmates will secretly stuff schwarmas to restore the fat to their slimmed-down bones. They will lurk at the back of the chain-gangs only feigning effort. They shall adjust the evil machines to the lowest, easiest settings.

And they will return, triumphant, to the soft couches, nightly pizza delivery, games consoles and DVD players of their bleak and lonely cells.

Deck the malls with boughs of holly

Given what a violation of the very fabric of UAE society it apparently is for men to dress up as women, can anyone explain why the all-male mechanical Santa quartet in Ibn Battuta's Egypt court is singing Christmas carols in a woman's voice?

And fifty dirhams says the horrific solo mechanical Santa wailing (male vocal) carols in China court is last month's creepy animatronic Ramadan "storyteller" sporting a fake white beard.

Labourer Day

Friday is Labourer Day at Ibn Battuta mall, when crowds of merry men descend from the camps to enjoy their one day off.

These men are instantly recogniseable by their similar height and hairstyles, their amazingly clean, neatly pressed clothes, the way they hang around in groups but don't enter shops (who can afford to buy a Vertu in Rivoli on a salary of Dh300 a month?) and the way they stare vacantly at women in a way that arouses as much frustration and irritation as it does compassion and pity.

But another factor that may not be remarked on at first is the lack of spectacles worn by these men. There is not a pair of glasses or a monocle among them, and their pittance salaries preclude contact lenses. Could it be, in a world where at least a quarter of the population is myopic, that these labourers represent some strongly-sighted super race?

"Not so," is the answer from the eminent Dubai ophthalmist Dr Badger, when the question is put to him. "I would say at least ten to fifteen per cent of those men require correction."

Dr Badger points out that cataracts are also a major problem in the sandlands, as labourers toil in the blazing sun with no shades.

Would protection and correction reduce workplace accidents? "Undoubtedly".

But sadly, the labourers can't afford either. Charities such as Vision Aid Overseas encourage people to donate old spectacles and sunglasses, which are sent to developing countries. Such a service would be an excellent idea in the UAE.

Hazed and dazed

A thick white dust has been hanging in the air for the past couple of days, turning the air opaque and making it very uncomfortable to breathe outside.

No wonder that Guantanamo inmates are flocking to the fresher, air-conditioned splendour of nearby Ibn Battuta mall. One kilometre long and generously wide, it even attracts sweat-band sporting powerwalkers who perform a sort of human slalom around groups of abayas, sunburnt tourists, and labourers.

The biggest obstacle for these mall-athletes is in the India zone, where a bizarre life-sized elephant has been installed half blocking the main hallway. The rest of the hallway is filled 24/7 with Indian people crowding round it and taking photos. What exactly is special or exciting about this elephant? Is it some sort of god?

A far more impressive artefact is currently on display in one of the handicraft boutiques: a ten-foot-high antique coffeepot, claimed by the shopowners to be the biggest in the world. Recently acquired from a palace in Isfahan - presumably to make space for a stockpile of yellowcake - it has a price tag of $250,000.

IMAXed out with marines

If there was any doubt about the nationality of the baseball-capped, crew-cut, popcorn-munching-coke-guzzling crowd of tank-shaped young men at Ibn Battuta IMAX - none remained after their cheery greeting to Margery:

"Howdy!"

US marines enjoying a night out. One wonders why they even bother to wear mufti, they are instantly recogniseable wherever they go. Guns, grenades and dogtags hanging out couldn't make them any more obvious.

The cinema is about the best entertainment option at the moment, with nightclubs silent and radio stations playing classical music in honour of dead King Fahd. It seems a sorry tribute for a gentleman who far preferred a more energetic nightlife, according to the BBC and various other international news organisations.

A Tale of Two Toilets

The EMEA IT A-listers gathering in Fujairah this week must have been in ecstasies at the Meridien Al Aqah's high-tech lavatories. They feature a range of electronic bidet controls from "medium spray female" and "medium spray male" to "hot blower" and "cold blower". Fantastic. French-polished nether-regions in seconds.

Far less impressive is the plight of the more lowly lavatories at Dubai's latest shopping megaplex, Ibn Battuta mall. According to a source, the men's lavatory seats at Ibn Battuta constantly need replacing. The reason? Workers from the nearby labour camps keep going in and using the toilet hose as a shower whilst standing on the seat.

"Not quite the image Nakheel is looking for I am sure," the masdaar comments.