Bubbles in the sand

I'm forever blowing bubbles
Property bubbles in the sand
They grow so fast, obviously can't last
But why do I care, I still own the land
People keep on buying
I take all their cash
Oh, I'm forever blowing bubbles
And bubbles always crash

"Nowadays, ten months after the financial crisis came crashing in on the United Arab Emirates (UAE), nearly destroying its shiniest component, Dubai, hundreds of cranes and dredgers have yet to resume work. The Queen Elizabeth II, once the world’s smartest liner, due to become yet another posh Dubai hotel, is a sleeping quayside hulk. Nothing is happening on three of the most recently man-made islands shaped like palm trees off Dubai’s coast that were the latest flashy projects of Nakheel, the emirate’s shaky real-estate developer."


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Sun, sea and sewage

A few years ago the waters off Dubai were like a lovely warm bath. Swimming was a wonderful experience, at least for people who don't enjoy having to break the ice before they dip a frozen toe in the dark and ominous English Channel. On Midsummer's Day.

For some reason, the habit of going to the beach rather died away. Even the urging of bronzed beach-goddesses like Lola Lebcan didn't raise its appeal. Maybe a sunset stroll to take photos of the Burj, once or twice a year. But no more sunbathing, and certainly no more swimming.

Perhaps it was the dredging for the Palms that ruined the oceans. Not just because it fouled up the water with sand and fine particles, but because it stopped them being an endless mystical stretch of water as far as the eye could see. Now the sea was just a sort of inlet or lake, a sad sandy pond. The real Gulf now started the other side of the World's Biggest Man-Made Artificial Sand-Dredged Islands (tm) all rights reserved to His Majesty's Vision Inc (tm).

Anyway we've had this latest story before, last year on the BBC in fact. But now The Times has picked up on the fact that Dubai isn't quite the unspoilt virgin eco-Eden that Nakheel's vast hordes of paid "ecologists" and assorted "environmental scientists" like to promote:

"A noxious tide of toilet paper, raw sewage and chemical waste has transformed Dubai’s most prestigious stretch of shoreline into a foul-smelling health hazard.

"A stretch of the exclusive Jumeirah Beach - a magnet for Western tourists and home to a string of hotels - has been closed. “It’s a cesspool. Our tests show too many E. coli to count. It’s like swimming in a toilet,” said Keith Mutch, the manager of the Offshore Sailing Club, which has posted warnings and been forced to cancel regattas. The pollution is a blow to Dubai’s reputation as an international holiday destination offering almost guaranteed sunshine and clear seas."

The good news for Dubai is that the sort of tourists who flock in on cheap Emirates deals and hang around the Jumeirah Beach Hotel with their tattoos, guts and lycra on grim and sweaty display are probably not Times subscribers.

The bad news is that like everyone else in the world, they're probably about to lose their jobs, homes and savings if they haven't already. Meaning even a weekend in Weston-Super-Mud or Whitley Bay is going to be beyond the budget, let alone The Arabian Effluent Experience.


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David Ditches Dubai

Perhaps this is actually the latest greatest marketing campaign by Dubai Tourism: instead of positioning the emirate as a glitzy hub for Z-list celebrities, has-beens, and never-weres, it find a new and unique niche as a hub for the parents of nonentity wannabes:

BIG-HEARTED David Beckham is gifting his £8million Dubai mansion to wife Victoria's parents.

The England soccer star has handed the keys to the waterfront villa—set on an exclusive palm-shaped artificial island—to delighted in-laws Tony and Jackie Adams.

A source close to the 32-year-old player, who is now with American side LA Galaxy, revealed: "David realised he was not going to be able to spend any time in Dubai.

"He's got his commitments in Los Angeles and it's a long trip, especially when he still has to spend a lot of time in London.

Apparently Becks says he may visit, but "at the moment that seems quite unlikely because they're so busy". Never mind. Colleen and Wayne Rooney are still known to drop by, and you don't get much more glittering and glamourous than that. In Dubai anyway.

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Float your boat

Queen Elizabeth II is moving to Dubai to live at The Palm.

Or at least her boat version is. The QE2, the world's most famous cruise ship, has been bought from Cunard by Istithmar. She will berth at The Palm Jumeirah in 2009 on a specially built pier and become a luxury floating hotel.

The ship will get a full refurbishment. Presumably this will include removing the pictures of the British royal family and replacing them with more sheikhly portraits. And the casino will have to go - or maybe not, if the vessel counts as "off shore".

Sheikh Mo had a steamboat
It cruised across the main
It anchored at The Palm one day
And never sailed again

The blazing fronds

Palm is burning, Palm is burning
Fire Fire! Fire Fire!
Pour on water, pour on water

Dubaiwatch

The latest celebrity due to be adding her unique sense of class to Dubai's already breathtakingly classy celebrity scene is Baywatch star Pamela Anderson:

ROCK star Tommy Lee and ex-wife Pamela Anderson are buying a luxury home together in Dubai, we can reveal.

The Motley Crue drummer is snapping up "Greece" - one of the man-made islands forming The World collection in the Gulf state.

Pamela can look forward to family barbecues with Jim Davidson, Michael Jackson, Benazir Bhutto and cardboard cut-outs of a host of international footballers alleged to have bought property in the sandlands.

A super film

The following email recently arrived from an associate:

"Have you seen Superman? The plot is intriguing. Insane man tries to build offshore islands to sell as real estate "prime beachfront property" as he refers to it. His plans are then laid to waste by a man disguised as a journalist."

What a fascinating and original idea. This will be a must-see film for all sandlanders.

Apocryphal Matthew

24 Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock:

25 And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock.

26 And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand:

27 And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it.

28 And he that not even heareth these sayings of mine, and shutteth his ears to them, shall be likened unto a mad man, which built his house upon the sand and the rocks that he put in the middle of the ocean:

29 And the storms descended, and the wind blew, and the tides came and washed away the sand and rocks from under that house, and it fell: and not unexpected leastsoever was the fall of it

Strange property prophecy

Glamourous Jumeira media couple Kiki and Maurice have struggled through a hopeless home-buying quest for the past year, so it's no wonder that Kiki is starting to have nightmares. Sitting by the scented frangipanis under a sickle moon, by the flickering light of Ikea bamboo torches, Kiki reveals her dream:

"We had been invited to a glitzy, champagne event at Dubai Marina for the launch of an amazing underwater property development. It was like The Palm, but was being built under the sea - there were artists' impressions and small-scale models; it was all very beautiful. All Dubai's high society were at the launch, in ball gowns, everyone was very excited and couldn't wait to buy an underwater villa.

"Suddenly, a man's voice came over the loudspeaker: "All Dubai Property owners should go back and protect their houses."

"We knew instantly that the Dubai Revolution had begun - poorer people couldn't find anywhere to live any more, and were taking over. We rushed home - there were thousands of people in the streets - not just Asian labourers, but white, poor Europeans trying to force their way into people's homes.

"I was trying to lock the doors and windows in our villa, but this wild, tramp-like British woman with mad, bushy hair flying round her face, kept trying to get in. "We need your house because we don't have anywhere else to live!" she was shouting."

Fortunately, Kiki woke up, but the nightmare was not over: She realised that if property prices do not come down soon: "that woman will be me."

Film review: The Island

The Island (2005), starring Ewan MacGregor and Scarlett Johannson, on recently at cinemas here, is an interesting story set in a futuristic city surrounded by desert, which few inhabitants see as they are unable to venture outside due to environmental pollution. Most of the people in this city wear white costumes, they receive education which often leaves a lot to be desired and most spend their days working in high tech jobs.

For entertainment, there are plenty of bars and nightclubs, but close mixing between the genders is discouraged by the authorities. The most exciting diversions are regular lotteries, with the most exciting prize being a new home on a magical, fantasy island. However, the plot begins to take off when a couple of residents grow suspicious at the endless delays in getting a home on this wondrous, paradaisical island.

Verdict: A super film, with plenty of action, and definitely worth seeing.

The Big and the Beautiful

Dubai cannot stop building the world's biggest things. The obsession started with The Palm, the world's largest artificial island. It's not any more though, because another two are being built, each bigger and better than the original.

Also planned is Burj Dubai, set to be the world's tallest tower if Emaar gets its way, and Al Burj, set to be the world's tallest tower if Nakheel wins out. Al Burj is also part of world's largest waterfront development project.

Not forgetting the world's biggest theme park, the world's tallest hotel, the world's longest indoor ski slope, the world's largest man-made port, and what is quite likely to end up the world's greatest capacity airport. Looking into the crystal ball, we even see the arrival of the world's largest crystal dome.

And the world's tallest wheel, like a five-star megalithic version of the London Eye. It's expected to cost US$150,000,000 and be:

"a 600-foot tall high-tech attraction that would have, upon completion, the capacity of 7,500,000 guests per year with an average individual ride ticket of $18.00. We anticipate that each Observation Wheel would consist of 30 Orbitors seating 20 passengers and making a complete revolution approximately every 27 minutes."

Best of all, Dubai is of course building the entire world, enabling the rich and powerful to take over nations and continents, rebuilding them to their own requirements, without interference from the UN and other fromage-eating-surrender monkeys.

Cultural desert

Celebrities continue to flock to the dusty shores of Dub to buy not-yet-built houses. Guy Ritchie and George Michael came househunting together, but bought separately. Guy on The Palm (prayers for a tidal wave step up a notch) and George on "Jumeirah Islands" - clumps of Bovis homes surrounded by a moat, according to the advertising hoardings.

And lock up your Thai brides: a certain brave-hearted A-lister is due here next week to buy property.

Slipping away... slipping out...

Interesting snippet tucked away in the Sunday Mirror's gossip pages that The Palm is sinking:

POSH has been through hell and back this week after allegations that hubby David has played away. And I'm afraid I've got more bad news for Posh, who celebrates her 30th on Saturday - their £1m holiday palace built on a palm tree-shaped island in Dubai is, erm, sinking.

My mole tells me: "It's a slight hiccup for the developers. The island is going under because rocks laid underneath are sinking. They are very confident they can sort it out, but are way behind schedule."

This is of course hardly news to many in Dubai. Significantly, only a couple of weeks ago Gulf News reported that speculative property buying at the world's largest artificial island has fallen drastically. But not a hint - not a peep - of the fact that The Palm allegedly needs to be raised a further two metres, effectively another fifty percent of its current height.