Behind bars in Bahrain

Worrying events on the Island of Two Seas. where Mahmood Al Yousif, aka the Blogfather, is being sued for libel by a Bahraini government minister. Mahmood criticised Mansour bin Rajab and his department over heavy flooding in December.

Now the minister claims his "feelings are hurt".

While we all shed a thousand tears for the wounded soul of this sensitive government personage, it's a stark reminder of the utter lack of legal freedom of speech in the Gulf, however much newspapers push boundaries on a daily basis. That gem of legal history, the UAE Publications Law, is quite clear on the issue:

Article 70

No criticism shall be made against the Head of State or Rulers of the Emirates

Article 84

It is prohibited to malign a public official, or anybody occupying a post in the public prosecution, or assigned to perform a public job. The writer shall not be held responsible if he proves he did so in good faith.


The divine right of kings: to rule without election; to misrule without question.

Farewell, freedom

What exactly is the TRA's bone with Tecom? In five years of free internet access, has there really been some vast porn-and-Israel-fuelled surge in immorality in the free zones, leading to the breakdown of the precious UAE culture and society as we know it?

No. But nonetheless, the TRA has sand in its crotch. Perhaps it's the prospect of a programmer at Tech Inc being able to read FHM online? Or maybe it's the thought of a BBC journalist being able to access a site in the Israeli .il domain? Or possibly it's the image of some advertising exec updating their details on FriendsReunited?

Whatever the reason, the TRA has decided to wield the Great Axe of Proxy:

"Unlike etisalat, [Tecom] does not use a proxy server that can prohibit access to undesirable sites such as those featuring pornography.

"However, as part of the process to allow du to provide internet services beyond these zones, the TRA will introduce a uniform proxy server across the UAE."

Well, hooray. Finally all of us at Tecom can get away from our porn and dating sites and gay and lesbian information and VoIP portals and Israeli newspapers and start leading decent, desirable lives.

Our favourite things

YouTube and MySpace and Orkut and Flickr
BoingBoing and Vonage and UAEprison
Friendsreunited and Metacafé
Please keep the evil corruption away!

Girls in bikinis with bits that are rudey
Ladies of Lesbos and good friends of Judy
The Empire of Zion and poor pussycats
Save us from moral perversion like that!

When the road roars, when the rent soars
When we're feeling shit
We simply remember the sites that are blocked
And then we don't mind a bit

Sites inconsistent to UAE values
Sites that could threaten the delicate family
Sites that let girls and boys flirt and hook up
These are few of the things that are blocked

Religious discussion and mags that are foxy
Sites that explain how to get round the proxy
Internet phonecalls and expatriates
We really cannot be confronted with that!

When the Palm sinks, when Modhesh winks
When we could slit our throats
We simply remember that everything's blocked
And then we sit back and gloat

Banana Royale

This week's excuse for the UAE's perennially disrupted internet service is a rather novel and exciting one. It appears that world-famous secret agent James Bond is building a giant banana-shaped island off Fujairah:

"The shifting of the three cables will take about two days each to steer clear of the artificial, banana-shaped, island planned to be set up in the area", according to Sean Connery, the British engineer in charge.

What will 007's latest adventure be titled?

1. Sandraker
2. Seafloor Shaken, Internet Stirred
3. GoldenSouq
4. The World is Not Enough
5. From Rashidiya with Love
6. Dr Laah
7. Octoproxy
8. Dishdash Another Day
9. Diamonds Are On Special
10. The Camel Who Loved Me

Surfing like it's 1969

We all know that this isn't going to happen, since our fortunately visionary leader, now Vice President of the entire UAE, is hardly going to let anyone interfere with his world-renowned and respected free zones.

But in fairness to the TRA, let us consider the possible reasons why the UAE telco watchdog is so keen that free zones should "lose immunity" from the dreaded proxy:

1. Has an underground industry sprung up, involving the widespread smuggling of downloaded porn from Tecom to the rest of the UAE?
No - that kind of material would smuggled in from Asia by video pirates, or taped off illegally unblocked satellite feeds.

2. Is Tecom teeming with vulnerable, impressionable young children and teenagers who need protecting from "offensive" content?
No - Tecom is a business zone, and (expats at least) have to be 21 to get a working visa there.

3. Are companies in Tecom crying out for help to prise their employees' sweaty fingers away from the PR0N button on their keyboards?
No - because most Tecom companies are perfectly capable of monitoring and limiting their staff's inappropriate internet usage.

So what can we gather from this about why the TRA is so incredibly desperate to slow down Tecom's internet speed to the equivalent of a 1962 300-baud Bell modem? Really very little, except a worrying sense of "ner ner! you can suffer like the rest of us".

Whatever the motive, how shockingly embarrassing that a country's main telecoms organisation is the very body spearheading the attempt to drag it back into the Dark Ages.

Mind-blowing phone bill

It is no surprise that this man had his appeal against a five-million-dirham phone bill rejected by the UAE courts.

He claimed that "a computer error could have caused the bill to soar to astronomical levels". A nice try. But this is Etisalat we're talking about, not some progressive telco open to using new fangled devices such as the "internet" to reduce call costs. A few peak rate calls to Mongolia and the Marshall Islands, and you'll rack up a million dirhams in no time.

Letter to the TRA

Dear TRA,

UAEans are not the complete cretins you laughingly take us for. Stop trying to pretend that you are "protecting" our interests by banning IP telephony. You're not.

You are protecting your/Etisalat's pocket. Nothing else.

We the customers don't care about a slightly lower-quality line if it means we pay a couple of cents a minute (like in developed, non-monopolistic countries) rather than the extortionate, third-world-style charges that you extort.

We the customers would also very much like to know what happened to the legalised internet telephony, promised to us as long ago as October 2004?

We don't believe any of your excuses, so why not be honest with us and admit that you only want to ban VoIP because it might impinge upon the gargantuan annual profits that you/Etisalat extract? And admit that the de-monopolisation put in place is nothing but a cosmetic sop to the WTO.

At least be honest if you can't be fair.

yours sincerely

Telephony customers
United Arab Emirates

Sexist UAE labour laws

In the year 2006, why are UAE labour laws still so incredibly sexist?

Sheri is a woman in her mid-twenties who works for one of Dubai's leading airlines, full time, as flight crew. She earns a very decent wage. A year after taking up the job, Sheri married her fiance Sam, who had been working overseas. When Sam came to live with Sheri in the UAE - as she was the higher income earner - the couple discovered that Sheri could not sponsor Sam, because she was female. If Sheri had a penis and Sam a vagina, there would have been no problem.

There are a few measly exceptions to the wife-sponsorship rule, such as female nurses and doctors who can sponsor husbands and children. But the general discrimination stems from a worryingly ingrained sexist culture that still blights the lives of many UAE national women today. Talk to any university staff, and they will tell you tales of bright, talented young emirati women who were unable to use their skills and education on graducation because "their brother wouldn't let them work".

Take this article on Internet addiction where we hear from the priggish Mohamed Salem, who stopped his family using the web after a (male) friend of his misused it:

"From that day, I disconnected the Internet and don’t allow my sisters to use it although they can benefit from the information,” said Salem

What a disgusting, sexist, controlling man. Or take this article on bellydancing where we hear this from a labour official:

The official said the labour law bans employing women at night except in healthcare sector and certain other jobs. "The labour law also bans employing women in dangerous jobs which affect their health and morals," he said.

If women want your protection, they'll ask for it. Don't force them to be treated like wilting Victorian maidens with these outdated, sexist laws.

UAE officials: if you really want the world to take you seriously as an international calibre business hub, then you need to eliminate this kind of gender discrimination. Real men aren't scared by empowered women. It's only pathetic little boys with inferiority complexes that feel the need to control and limit women's freedom.

Don't fiddle with our freedom

Does anyone else find this increasingly unlikely, now the founder of these free zones, who has long extolled the virtues of their freedom, is the Vice President of the UAE?

"[UAE Telecoms Regulatory Authority director general Mohamed Al] Ghanim warned that [TECOM] must abide by UAE censors, who last week banned access to the online version of Britain's popular The Sun newspaper.

"The Internet will remain censored for cultural reasons. We have to keep our culture protected," he said. TECOM "will have to abide by the rules".

Dubai's free zones have lured scores of media brands, including CNN and the BBC, on the promise of freedom from censorship, which is the norm in the Arab world. Some observers fear online censorship within the zones could undermine their reputation as creative hubs."

The "threat" of Skype

It is interesting to see different nations' reactions to the "threat" of Skype. Yahoo and British Telecom, for example, are "focusing heavily" on new broadband and voice services for customers:

"To kick start the battle against Skype, [BT] has announced that it will be offering free calls throughout the festive holiday to any landline in 30 different countries."

By contrast, UAE state monopoly telco Etisalat plans to invest its money into a system that will block Skype:

Dubai: Etisalat is in negotiations with a UK-based company to purchase a system that could block all voice over internet calls. Currently, Skype bypasses network proxys, allowing individuals to talk or exchange information undetected. Bitek has two systems Snyper and Guardian which can block Skype.

This really says it all, doesn't it? In terms of advanced technologies, customer satisfaction, progress, openness, and universal communications that are affordable for everyone, Etisalat doesn't give a flying piece of camel dung.

The perils of poor p*ssy

Those unconfined by the UAE's rigid and regressive internet censorship will be unaware of the absolute block of the P-word.

In the UAE it is impossible to search Google for information on the James Bond film Octopussy. It is impossible to look for a picture of Honor Blackman playing Pussy Galore. It is impossible to search Thesaurus.com to find an alternative to "pussyfoot". It is impossible to view the photos that a friend puts online of her pussycat, as pussycat2.jpg* etc will all be blocked.

To help those unable to look up the word pussy, and to try and educate the Dishdashes-That-Be that the English language is in fact rich enough to have more than one meaning per word, here are the dictionary definitions for the P-word:

puss·y1
n. pl, puss·ies
1. Informal. A cat.
2. Botany. A fuzzy catkin, especially of the pussy willow.
3. Vulgar Slang.
(a) The vulva.
(b) Sexual intercourse with a woman.
4. Offensive Slang. Used as a disparaging term for a woman.
5. Slang. A man regarded as weak, timid, or unmanly.

pus·sy2
adj. pus··si·er, pus··si·est
Containing or resembling pus.

Four out of six ain't bad.

*here for those that can't see it

Back to subnormality

Etisalat is allegedly back to "normal" (at least as far as champion rally drivers define normal):

Abdullah Hashim, senior manager for development and marketing at eCompany, Etisalat's internet subsidiary, said if users were experiencing delays, they were likely to be caused by factors other than the problems of this month.

"Internet traffic is completely back to normal because it's been fixed since Sunday night. Maybe these people have slow connections it's for some other reason," he said.

Djinn? Elves?

.ill considered inquiry

A delicious dinner with glamourous Jumeira media couple Kiki and Maurice, who are chuckling over Kiki's moronic new receptionist Deedee. Deedee, a new arrival to the sandlands, is more clueless than a dead camel with its brains devoured by sand spiders. The fun began when Deedee rang Etisalat's directory service:

"Hello, could I have the international dialling code for Israel, please?"

"For where?"

"For Israel."

A pause. "Why do you want this number?"

"I want to ring my friends in Israel."

"When do you want to make this call to Israel?"

"I want to make it lots of times a week. I need to talk to all my friends in Jerusalem and Tel Aviv."

Another pause.

"Are you saying that you want to ring Palestine?"

"No, I want to ring Israel. Can I please have the dialling code for Israel?"

A longer pause. "What company are you calling from?"

Deedee blithely discloses her company name. They ask what the company does. "PR and marketing". Where is it located? "Al Jebel Skyscraper, Sheikh Zayed Road." She hands over her boss's name and mentions that he "makes lots of trips to America." Despite all this, the dialling code is not forthcoming, and Deedee eventually gives up in frustration, still none the wiser.

Two hours later: a dishdash in dark glasses arrives at the office and asks to see the boss. "Oh, he's overseas right now, in America," Deedee informs him. The dishdash leaves without a word.

Next week Kiki plans to get Deedee to ring up eCompany to ask how to access a .il website.

Virtual blackout

Spinster schoolmarm Margery flies in to the sandlands once more, for another shot at a real life version of Sheikhs and Desert Love. Fahd's demise has sadly thwarted her plans for any lyrical lovemaking, with karaoke cancelled UAE-wide.

The demise of a submarine cable has also thwarted pretty much all email (POP and webmail), messaging services such as irc and MSN, and P2P downloading:

"The redundant links deployed by Etisalat for such an eventuality has meant that normal Internet browsing and essential traffic will continue to work smoothly. eCompany stated that there was no service outage. However, certain traffic related to applications like gaming and peer to peer for customers has been affected."

The undistinguished hack pack

The Economist has published an online city guide to Dubai, which makes some interesting and pertinent comments, in particular on the disappointing Dubai media:

"The UAE’s policy of self-censorship means that local newspapers and websites read like publicity organs. Governments (Federal and emirate) submit newspaper press releases—heralding new initiatives and official visits—which are then published nearly verbatim. Criticising a member of a ruling family is not tolerated, and every newspaper (and, it seems, radio and TV station) does whatever its advertisers say. Even the privately owned media is owned by influential UAE national family members who know they must toe the line.

"Journalists in Dubai tend to be an undistinguished bunch. There are few budding al-Woodwards or al-Bernsteins bursting to publish the scoop of the decade, if only their editors would let them. Pretty much the only decent copy in newspapers is news agency copy, or syndicated copy from The Economist, the New York Times or the Financial Times."

Its comment on censorship is somewhat less accurate: "in women's magazines... the smallest glimpse of cleavage or buttock will be rigorously blacked out". In fact in current times there is rarely more than a thin black line through the nipples of a Sun Page 3 girl, with plenty of cleavage remaining in sight above and below.

Occasionally one spots a more fervent censor, such as the one who blacked out popstar Robbie Williams' upper chest in an imported UK magazine. But perhaps they were more offended by the presence of man-boobs than nudity.

Ball breaking

The official announcement arrives - the Big Golf Balls are no longer going to be alone at the party. Competition is coming. Albeit in the form of a 40% government owned entity, the UAE's telco monopoly is at last moving to a duopoly.

It remains to be seen whether the move represents true liberalisation or a WTO-appeasing Etisalat clone. Rather than putting the second licence to tender, the government is awarding it directly.

Stock market circles felt the company would be based in Dubai with operations throughout the UAE.

"It will be modelled along the lines of Etisalat," a TRA spokesman said.

But the most burning question is: proxy or no? Will Etisalat v2.0 also reduce html browsing to a 300 baud crawl as it scours every single URL for possible atrocities? Or will UAE netizens finally be able to Google "Octopussy"?

By choice, not by proxy

"Personally," confides a senior dishdash from the highest echelons of the UAE's monopoly state telco, "I'm against the proxy. I think internet filtering should be by choice."

"Me too," his colleague agrees. "But you know how the culture is here, the tradition. And besides, we're not responsible for the proxy, it's a government directive."

Sidestepping the obvious fact that the monopoly state telco is the government: owned by it, run by it, and staffed by it, the issue of uncensored internet access is raised. Currently, residents at certain new housing developments are able to get 100 per cent unblocked web access. "How is the property developer able to do this, and get around the Federal law?"

"Ah, well," the dishdash explains. "They're mainly middle and upper class people living there. Educated people. You know."

Great sheikhs

Time for a tribute to one of the most progressive and able members of the UAE leadership, Sheikh Nahyan bin Mubarak al Nahyan. Oxford-educated Sheikh Nahyan has been radically upgrading the country's education system, since being appointed to head the merged ministry - formerly split between higher and lower education - late last year.

Now it appears he has joined the fight for freedom of information:

"We live in an age in which people should be supplied with all kinds of information through different media.

"All people have the right to choose and select information and are wise enough to make that choice. No book should be banned and no information should be withheld from the public in this day and age."

More importantly, Sheikh Nayhan appears to indicate he is in favour of an uncensored internet - can we at last begin to sound the death knell for the much-reviled, regressive proxy?

"We should leave it to the people to decide what to read and what not to, what is to be seen and what not to. The most important thing in this information age is that we don't restrict the availability of any kind of information to the public, be it through the electronic media, satellite channels, Internet or books."

End the proxy now: it is a national embarrassment

At times it is immensely difficult to take the pronouncements of senior Arabs with anything less than several container-loads of salt. Here we are in a country whose draconian internet censorship has long been a severe national embarrassment, yet the Information Minister claims to support total freedom of information.

"Shaikh Abdullah bin Zayed Al Nahyan, Minister of Information and Culture... called for legislation that guarantees free access to information and that prohibits any denial of access."

The UAE's internet censorship stretches far further than banning genuinely illegal/unislamic content such as porn and gambling. It blocks a vast range of sites from translation sites, networking and community sites to online flash games and humour. A huge proportion of celebrity and photos sites are banned, a lot of health information is unreachable, even news articles get banned if they carry certain words in their URLs. IP telephony sites are banned, certain downloading sites are banned, anything remotely "unsafe" from a political point of view (.il) is unreachable.

And over the past year monopoly state telco Etisalat/its Siamese twin the Ministry of "Information" have made it increasingly difficult to request to have innocent sites unblocked.

A huge battery of different censorship techniques are used: from lists of pre-blocked sites to dynamic/on-the-fly blocking of suspect URLs. The proxy servers struggle to cope with their own (pointless) workload, to the point that web browsing speeds are often half of what they actually could be.

Despite all this, the ardent cyber-censors are unable to block any P2P downloading. Nor can they block content sent by email. Nor can they stop chatlines. Porn floods in, not just from the web but also on pirated discs from Asia. And for Dh150 one can buy a "gold" satellite decoder card that unlocks international adult channels.

Internet censorship: embarrassing, futile, and a breach of basic human rights.

Hanging on the telephone

Warm congratulations to two Chinese men who managed to make US$1.4 million worth of free phone calls through some cunning illegal telephone rigging.

In any Western country such a high figure would represent hundreds of thousands of hours calling premium rate sex-lines. But with the UAE's extortionate monopoly telco charges, it was probably no more than a couple of ten minute off-peak calls to Shanghai.

Even warmer congratulations should be extended to Brigadier Al Mazeina and his boys for only taking a year to track the men down.

But the warmest congratulations of all go to the WTO, for finally forcing the Big Golf Balls to liberalise and allow IP telephony. If poor Wong and Chang had only managed to hide out for a couple more months, they would have been running a legal business.