Farewell, freedom

What exactly is the TRA's bone with Tecom? In five years of free internet access, has there really been some vast porn-and-Israel-fuelled surge in immorality in the free zones, leading to the breakdown of the precious UAE culture and society as we know it?

No. But nonetheless, the TRA has sand in its crotch. Perhaps it's the prospect of a programmer at Tech Inc being able to read FHM online? Or maybe it's the thought of a BBC journalist being able to access a site in the Israeli .il domain? Or possibly it's the image of some advertising exec updating their details on FriendsReunited?

Whatever the reason, the TRA has decided to wield the Great Axe of Proxy:

"Unlike etisalat, [Tecom] does not use a proxy server that can prohibit access to undesirable sites such as those featuring pornography.

"However, as part of the process to allow du to provide internet services beyond these zones, the TRA will introduce a uniform proxy server across the UAE."

Well, hooray. Finally all of us at Tecom can get away from our porn and dating sites and gay and lesbian information and VoIP portals and Israeli newspapers and start leading decent, desirable lives.

The Erring Eye

Where to start with the glaring mistakes, misunderstandings and swallowed-down-myths in this Asia Times "Roving Eye - Dubai" article?

1. "Dubai... is a self-described "door to a market of more than 1 billion consumers"."
"Self-described" for a very good reason: it's completely misleading. The vast majority of the billion "consumers" at Dubai's door are dollar-a-day third-worlders. They won't be turning up for a luxury stay at the Ritz Dubailand any time soon.

2. "Most of all, [Sheikh Zayed] had every reason to be proud of his family's intuition and business acumen - as already in the 1940s they had decided to drain Dubai's port while competitors were sleeping."
No. Zayed's family are the Al Nahyans. The Maktoums run Dubai and dredged the Creek. And the "competition" was Sharjah, part of the UAE. And the Creek was actually dredged in the 1950s and Port Rashid built in the 1960s.

3. "Sheikh Zayed was promised as he lay dying that Dubai would continue to flourish - even without gambling casinos. Not for long, it now seems. Arab Las Vegas, anyone?"
Does anyone else find this touching deathbed scene more than a little absurd to imagine? Not to mention completely irrelevant, as Zayed's main concern would have been Abu Dhabi and Al Ain, and the UAE as a whole.

4. "In this mish-mash of wealthy Arab women covered in silk black chadors"
Try black georgette abayas.

5. "armies of men in dishdashas and fake gold Rolexes"
Try solid gold. Fakes are for tourists and expats.

6. "In the totally deregulated airport, anyone may land piloting any sort of aircraft."
Time to patch up the Zeppelin with sellotape and book a landing slot - the DCA will be waiting with open arms.

7. "Dubai remains in essence a protectorate - a status not substantially different from the tribal sheikhdoms dominated by the British until 1971."
Just like New York is a protectorate of Washington. (Did someone forget to decommission the Trucial Scouts?)

8. "During the 2003 invasion and occupation of Iraq, Dubai was neutral. Thus no al-Qaeda attacks [...] an al-Qaeda attack on Dubai remains unlikely."
Sez who? Osama?

9. "If only Dubai realised that $300 billion would buy the entire outstanding debt of the developing world."
So? What's the point here, get the chequebook out? The US 2007 military budget is $463 billion, excluding Iraq.

10. "[Sheikh Mohammed] only acceded to power last January after the death of his elder brother"
No. Sheikh Mo has been in power as Crown Prince since 1995 and has singlehandedly driven the development of Dubai long before ascending to the Rulership.

11. "The "diversification" may have been one-sided so far - it revolves around tourism, real estate and commercial projects."
Surely this would make it three-sided? Quite apart from the fact that it also involves trade, heavy industry, aviation, finance, IT and media (unless they're all lumped in as "commercial").

12. "Five years ago, Dubai's Internet City was literally desert sand."
DIC opened in October 2000.

13. "Ibn Battuta... was reborn as a mall [with] "Chinese", "Indian", "Persian" or "Moroccan" halls."
Andalucia, Tunisia, Egypt, Persia, India, China. No Morocco. Nor is Morocco in any way interchangeable with Persia.

14. "If she's a woman and works as a maid or in a hotel, she can be sexually harassed - and there will be no recourse."
Sexual harassment is a crime in every emirate of the UAE. Her chances of succeeding in an action may be slim, but there is recourse.

15. "Foreign companies can only operate by paying a UAE kafeel (sponsor, guarantor)"
Not if they're in a freezone, where 100% foreign ownership is permitted.

16. "Everyone knows there's a property-market bubble and the stock market is bound to fall."
Terrible journalism. Nobody "knows". People suspect/predict/reckon/speculate and hedge their interests accordingly. And not everyone agrees...

Surfing like it's 1969

We all know that this isn't going to happen, since our fortunately visionary leader, now Vice President of the entire UAE, is hardly going to let anyone interfere with his world-renowned and respected free zones.

But in fairness to the TRA, let us consider the possible reasons why the UAE telco watchdog is so keen that free zones should "lose immunity" from the dreaded proxy:

1. Has an underground industry sprung up, involving the widespread smuggling of downloaded porn from Tecom to the rest of the UAE?
No - that kind of material would smuggled in from Asia by video pirates, or taped off illegally unblocked satellite feeds.

2. Is Tecom teeming with vulnerable, impressionable young children and teenagers who need protecting from "offensive" content?
No - Tecom is a business zone, and (expats at least) have to be 21 to get a working visa there.

3. Are companies in Tecom crying out for help to prise their employees' sweaty fingers away from the PR0N button on their keyboards?
No - because most Tecom companies are perfectly capable of monitoring and limiting their staff's inappropriate internet usage.

So what can we gather from this about why the TRA is so incredibly desperate to slow down Tecom's internet speed to the equivalent of a 1962 300-baud Bell modem? Really very little, except a worrying sense of "ner ner! you can suffer like the rest of us".

Whatever the motive, how shockingly embarrassing that a country's main telecoms organisation is the very body spearheading the attempt to drag it back into the Dark Ages.

Don't fiddle with our freedom

Does anyone else find this increasingly unlikely, now the founder of these free zones, who has long extolled the virtues of their freedom, is the Vice President of the UAE?

"[UAE Telecoms Regulatory Authority director general Mohamed Al] Ghanim warned that [TECOM] must abide by UAE censors, who last week banned access to the online version of Britain's popular The Sun newspaper.

"The Internet will remain censored for cultural reasons. We have to keep our culture protected," he said. TECOM "will have to abide by the rules".

Dubai's free zones have lured scores of media brands, including CNN and the BBC, on the promise of freedom from censorship, which is the norm in the Arab world. Some observers fear online censorship within the zones could undermine their reputation as creative hubs."

This year's honours list

"Of course when I first got here, seven years ago, there were no Emirates Towers, and there was no Burj."

In one fell swoop, Mercy earns herself an OBE - Old Boring Expat award. It's an accolade that nobody - Dame Mercy included - ever expects to win themselves: when hiding their yawns as a current OBE drones on about nothing-but-the-trade-centre. If one is really unlucky, "we all used to go out for big nights out in Sharjah! In those days, alcohol was freely available there" and even "there were no supermarkets then, we had to wait for the camel caravan to arrive from Ras Al Khaimah!" are also trotted out.

All terribly interesting, except when one has heard it several thousand times, while politely sipping a lukewarm Lacnor fruit "cocktail" at yet another dreary reception.

The latest generation of expats, the post-20th-century arrivees, can expect to earn their OBE with:

"Of course, in the old days, there were only three buildings at Media City and four at Internet City. Things were so much friendlier then!"

"When we first arrived here, it only took a couple of hours to get from Sheikh Zayed road to City Centre. Of course we pack overnight supplies now."

"Five years ago, one could get a rundown beach-front villa for less than fifty thousand dirhams a year! Our driver now pays twice that every month to share a room with thirty other bachelors in Sharjah."

Puffing imbeciles

There is a very good reason why none of the buildings at Dubai Media City phase 2 have their numbers visible from the road. No one knows what this reason is, but it must be a very good reason, because otherwise even a single-celled amoeba with no brain would consider putting numbers up a relatively helpful plan.

But some wisdom is being shown by Tecom authorities. Once, thick clouds of foul smoke filled every stairway, cafe, and courtyard at Dubai Media City, choking workers and making buildings stinking and stale. Now, a fairly draconian smoking ban has finally cleared up the insidious human smog.

And so the Cretin of the Zillennium award goes to "Sana Aqtash", arguably the stupidest cow that ever set foot in the freezone:

"It's good and bad. The good part is that the smokers will cut down on their smoking as they won’t be able to leave the office as much. The bad part is no one should decide on behalf of the smokers. Smokers know better than anyone else what the out come of smoking is. If they care about the views of non-smoking people, they have to care about the views smokers as well."

FO! can F-Off

Dubai Media City has banned the license of Dubai lads mag FO!

FO! - which stands for "Focus On" (yeah, right) - featured articles on "clothing, celebrities, films, cars, music and technology". Unfortunately:

"Many of the pictures were of young women, some of whom were not fully clothed."

But that's not why Dubai Media City has closed it down. Definitely not. Apparently, FO! publishers ADA failed to comply with "repeated requests to conform to its own originally-submitted business plan".

DMC said it told ADA of its intention to suspend the magazine after the first issue, but the company went on to produce a second issue "that showed no intention of following its own business plan".

"DMC reluctantly decided to suspend this publication. This is not a matter of censorship or refusal to allow free speech.

Oh, of course not. Certainly not. Dubai Media City is a free zone, fully committed to complete freedom of speech (that must take into account the culture of the region and must generate accurate reporting) and there is no way it would ever interfere with an independent publication.

No, we can definitely all be confident that Dubai Media City is utterly committed to the utmost breadth of freedom of speech imaginable (responsible freedom, in accordance with the UAE's structure of laws and regulations which define the rights and duties of its inhabitants).

In fact, we should praise Dubai Media City for its continued efforts to uphold and promote total and utter freedom of speech (as long as it balances itself against political and cultural concerns and sensitivities as defined in DMC's regulatory framework).

No, as long as Dubai Media City tenants obey the Tecom Code of Guidance (remembering to be mindful of the prevailing social and religious mores of the United Arab Emirates and the Middle East and Islamic region generally) they won't have any problems at all.

"The Codes are drafted in a descriptive as opposed to a prescriptive manner. The Codes do not seek to ban or prohibit particular things as this would go against the concept of "Freedom of Expression" which is a cornerstone of Dubai Media City's business proposition."

Exactly. Couldn't be more clear cut.

Crowded out

A PR associate's phone call comes at a weak and flustered moment, resulting in the acceptance of two tickets to a concert rather than a tactful excuse.

"Big" concerts take place at various unsuitable venues around Dubai, due to the fact that the Emirate has not yet built a permanent entertainment stadium. Fortunately this one is being held at Media City, not too far from Guantanamo. Sweaty crowds have already collected in the humid night by the time the Silver Shadow draws up at the gates, so we flick them aside with a sharp-edged press pass and find a quiet perch at the very top of the temporary stadium.

Prayers that the Dubai expatriate collective will not likewise scale the slopes of the metal mountain fail as a mid-fifties British yob and his bleached Eastern-European girlfriend - so much his junior that she is wearing orthodontic braces - choose a seat within spitting distance. They chainsmoke, they are raucous, and the man yells "yeah" and "wow!" like a deranged teen, perhaps hoping this exuberance will blind his paid-partner's eyes to his grey hair, lined face and generally unbecoming appearance.

When the international singer makes the grave mistake of calling: "Are there any real men out there?" (Why in God's name would there be? This is Dubai) grey-haired cradle-snatcher is first on his feet, fist in the air. Bleach-braces does likewise for the "real women" call. Hopefully both will finish the night so drunk that they stumble into the stagnant, saline swamp of Media City lake and dissolve by dawn.

Eventually, overcome by the endless din and fetor of the general public, we make a discreet and very early exit. Concertgoers are still arriving as the Silver Shadow slips away into the darkness.

A sinister shadow falls

Tecom (Dubai Internet City/Dubai Media City) has set up something called the Broadcasting and Publication Standards Tribunal, to investigate "the appropriateness of media content that might be put out by companies based in the free zone."

Ahmed bin Byat assures us that the Tribunal is neither a legal entity, "nor does it seek to be a censorship body."

If only it could censor horrors like these, designed to help (subcontinentals? Arabs?) solve problems. It does this by giving them an extra problem to cope with, translating the most illiterate Indlish ever written.

This Area is the Platform between the needy & Helper. The Section is Having information about the persons who have real need of money /blood or any other organ .The site is based on trust & the information is assuming to be authentic .

The Section is for the person seeking for career .The section also has information which career is to choose for young generation what are the scopes of future in that career .

Mothers are the most respectful & loving Human on earth even God also says to respect your mother by whose blessings you will grow in life automatically . I love my mother too much

This section, for wannabe-DJs, must not go unnoticed: http://www.mafimushkil.com/careerguidance/dickjockey.htm - that typo alone will hopefully spell it an early death on the Proxy.

Cat Fight

Sectarian violence in Little Bombay: the feral cats are waging territory wars. Their vile yowls shriek from the alleyways hour after hour through the night. No one can sleep, no one can block it out.

Arabian Ranches continues to litter the city with its sanpro billboards. Perhaps it would be worth ringing them up to enquire about villas "with wings."

They are definitely trying to poison us at DMC Phase 2. Just weeks after the first food outlet opened - McCrap - closely followed by a chocolate shop, "Cinnabon and Seattle's Best Coffee" has now been unleashed. They will have our veins and arteries, they will have our systems packed with salt and fat and crap... expect to see the imminent launch of Arabian Cemetaries.

Foaming Fish

What the hell happened to the allegedly teeming-with-fish freshwater lake at DIC? Yesterday it was life-free with the fountain whipping up a foam slick the size of Wales. And whereas acacias and bamboo seems to thrive in this climate, the date palms planted all over look really grey and tired and sad.