High life, low life

TV Terry is back in the sandlands, on a themed high life:low life holiday.

The high life includes some alpine excercise on the snowy slopes of Ski Dubai, where Terry excels at the reverse snow-plough - the quickest way to do the splits on skis. Other lofty attractions include the 50-storey glass lifts at Emirates Towers, a balloon ride high up over the Creek, and brunch at the very peak of the Burj Al Arab with its panoramic views of The Palm.

The low life involves a safari in the narrow alleyways and dive bars of the Golden Sands area, taking in Bur Dubai's increasingly endangered nocturnal wildlife, potholing in Cyclones and whatever what-was-the-Arif-Castle is now, and tunnelling through the shady souqs in hope of excavating some cheap souvenirs.

All the way up, and all the way down.

Stoning and lashing

Here reported by Gulf News we have one of the world's most screwed up families outside rural Utah. A fifty-something Pakistani patriarch married to an Indian widow who used her four half-Emirati daughters as his effective concubines, fathering ten children by them.

He's been sentenced to stoning, which has gone to appeal. (One rather hopes Amnesty will abandon its usual zeal on this one).

Whereas the four daughters got 80 lashes each. They claim their stepfather "used to threaten them with a knife, forcing them to surrender." The court however decided that they "allowed" their stepfather to sleep with them, hence the punishment.

Let's take a look at the facts, at least as reported by Gulf News. The daughters are currently aged between 21 and 26. The sexual relations date back to 1996. Even if Stepdaddy only started with the eldest back then, she was still no more than 15. Adult man with a knife versus young teen "allowing" him=80 lashes? That seems like an interesting verdict.

But of course it's not for us to comment on other people's culture and legal systems. We can always shut up, pack up and return to our corrupt Western countries if we don't like it here. Back to our vile lands of sin and debauchery, where child sex abuse victims receive counselling and support rather than a damn good whipping.

Maid in Dubai

Maids: just because you sponsor them, it doesn't mean you own them. They're not serfs, they're not in indentured labour, they're not children with a curfew or soldiers going awol. If they leave, they leave:

[Brigadier Mohammad Al Merri, Director-General of DNRD] warned the public not to employ a runaway housemaid. "She could be suffering from an infectious diseases or she may have committed a crime or she is involved in some other dangerous issues," he said.

Or maybe she was ill-treated and abused by the family? Or maybe the 24/7 workload and minimal pay was not enough? Or maybe she just changed her mind?

The problem is that it costs Dh15,000 to sponsor a domestic worker, which creates an uneasy sense of bondage between the worker and the employing family. There's no way the average domestic worker could ever compensate the employer if he or she leaves early. And yet he or she is still a free individual who should be able to leave at any time.

A better solution would be to employ domestic workers through a centralised agency that acts as their sponsor, rather like Tecom. The agency brings in x number of domestic workers every year. Families pay the same effective fee to this agency to hire them. But if the worker is unhappy or unsuitable, the agency provides a substitute at no extra cost. The agency also monitors the welfare of domestic workers, and arbitrates in cases of dispute or abuse.

If it costs a bit more to provide these services, then so be it. If someone can afford Dh10,000 a year they can easily afford an extra Dh2,000 or so. And if not, they can hire a part time worker instead and spend a day a week scrubbing their own damn floors.

Brideshead revisited

When the Virgin Mary gave birth to Jesus, she allegedly got her virginity back as a thank you. Lesser mortals can their maidenhood restored for Dh10,000:

"A general practitioner in Sharjah said there are two types of operations; the first is 'permanent' (will last longer) and could be done any time and the second (of lesser durability) is done few days before the wedding. The first type of operation is more expensive, he said."

Some of the hymen reconstruction operations even involve inserting a small capsule of theatrical blood for extra realism on the wedding night. The good thing about hymenorrhaphy is that it should eventually make the concept of an intact hymen worthless. Quite apart from the fact that it is possible to be a virgin and have a broken hymen, or to have spent a decade taking it up the back way and still count yourself a "virgin", the downgrading of the hymen may help destigmatise rape as a source of shame for a woman.

So three cheers for the brave doctors carrying out these illegal operations, giving peace of mind and often physical safety back to thousands of young women.

Thou shalt reside in my smelly hovel

Some sense in the courts for an Al Ain wife who didn't like living in the "stinking accommodation" her husband provided her:

"The woman had filed the lawsuit in Al Ain Shariah Court of First Instance against her husband seeking a ‘proper accommodation’, claiming the one provided by her husband was not fit to live in — being quite old and in dilapidated condition with horrible smells.

"In return, defendant husband filed a counter lawsuit in the very court demanding his wife to obey him, and take his permission before going outdoors."

Chances of this couple reaching their golden wedding anniversary: snowflake/hell.

Kitty kebabs

The latest delicacy being enjoyed in minus-seven-star labour accommodation throughout the sandlands is allegedly barbecued bagpuss. Although - like serving bork and big bacon without a special license - it's technically illegal, anything goes behind closed doors:

Municipality officials said yesterday that while cat meat cannot be served at restaurants, there is no way of controlling what people eat in private.

"We are not aware of incidents such as this, but it may well be happening. We make sure that such food is not served in hotels but what individuals do inside their own homes really cannot be monitored," said Abdullah Rafeeu, the Assistant Director General for Environment and Public Health Affairs.

Sadly, labourers have now been banned from cooking cats in their unluxury lodgings, which means their recipes for moggy marinara, pussy pie and tom-in-the-hole may never be fine-tuned enough for publication in the wider world. Fortunately a correspondent by the name of Cool Hand Luke has managed to smuggle one out:

"Horror of Horrors in Today’s 7 Days front page. Cute little pussy cats, enemies to no man, been slaughtered and BOILED to appease the appetites of hungry laborers. These are my thoughts as the maid brought me in my breakfast this morning. Unable to swallow my caviar, I run down 2 flights of stairs in my mansion and jump onto my computer to scribe this diatribe. How can people boil cats? Its disgusting. The only way to cook cat is to fry it. Add loads of garlic, a smooching of lemon, perhaps chopped tomatoes (I never really know what my head cook puts into these dishes) and fried onion. Adorn the dish with decapitated snake entrails and eat."

There is a solution to ending cat cuisine:

1. Pay the labourers
2. Feed the labourers
3. Stop "rehoming" cats by dumping them in the arse end of Al Quoz

Go West

Oh god - it's Blame The West time again:

The western media are widely advertising "homosexuality, which is influencing the youth," [Moetaz Bu Bashy] said. The issue might begin as a "likening or imitating of the opposite sex, but in many cases it develops into physical intimacy [homosexuality]," he said.

You might find it's actually the total segregation of young men and women until marriage that leads to horny straight males "experimenting" with one another.

The rest will be biological homosexuals whose orientation has absolutely nothing to do with the West and everything to do with the hard-wired instincts they were born with.

Put that in your shisha pipe and smoke it.


NB: homophobic comments will not be approved, regardless if they are tarted up with a load of hadiths or not. Bigotry is bigotry and it's not getting posted here.

Three-day parenthood

Male Dubai government employees can now get paid paternity leave. For three days. Which is about enough time to buy some flowers, visit the hospital, and smoke a cigar.

"The paternity leave is also a positive step. It's very important to have the father there, especially when the woman has undergone a caesarean section and needs to be taken care of."

For three days.

"Women who have given birth need to have their husbands beside them. This way the man can take care of the baby as well as his wife," she said.

For three days.

It's a step in the right direction if not much else. By the time the mother has recovered from the initial exhaustion of giving birth the father will be long back at the office, but never mind. At least he got enough time off for a cigar.

Fast lane

Race win for UAE national

Wed 17 Jan, 2007 1:23 AM GMT

DENVER, 17 July (AP) - UAE national Jamal Al Sweihan has become the first Arab to win the World Speed-SMS Championship in Denver, Colorado.

Al Sweihan beat contestants from thirty other countries in to write and send an SMS message in just 4.6 seconds while driving at 220kmph.

He narrowly missed out on a gold in the slalom event after receiving a two-second penalty for abbreviating "you're" to "ur".

The Abu Dhabi resident puts his success down to regular training sessions.

"I train for two hours each day, up and down Sheikh Zayed highway, I send maybe three hundred messages during this time," Al Sweihan said.

"But in the UAE it is more difficult because you must have one hand free to flash the headlights at the car in front, but in the race you can have both hands on the phone."

Al Sweihan's next challenge will be next month's International MMS Rally in Kuala Lumpur.

© Associated Press 2007. All Rights Reserved.

Runaway cRAKodile

Only in rocky Ras al Khaimah could there be widespread panic over a baby reptile about two foot long. It all began when a pet croc escaped from its pool, and was spotted on a beach some distance away:

[UAE national Fahd Abdullah Juma'a] said the first MMS pictures of the baby crocodile roaming the seashore in Al Rams, 20km north of Ras Al Khaimah, began circulating last week.

Soon, SMS messages began circulating with claims of people sighting several crocodiles in the area, spreading fear among the public. For two days the beaches of Al Rams area were deserted.

So much for CITES: apparently one can buy a smuggled African crocodile for just Dh300 in RAK pet shops. According to Fahd, several RAK residents keep five-metre-long crocs on their farms.

Now when a few of those creatures escape, then the fun will begin.

Down to a tea

Some of the world's worst cups of tea are brewed in Dubai. It's not just the Indian version of builder's tea - stewed Lipton teabags, powdered Rainbow milk and seventeen sugars, served in a plastic cup.

There are the nightmare brews of Dubai International Exhibition Centre, accompanied by foul tiny cartons of "Tastes Like Milk". There are the hotel conference cuppas made from tepid water spurted out of a catering urn seasoned with the burnt coffee that it specialised in for the first decade of its working life.

And there are the "upmarket" (extortionate) hotel lobby teas served in a teapot that stews a witch's brew of thick dark tannin by the second cup. There are the five star restaurants that serve you a cup with a tacky teabag hanging out of it - or worse - a wrapped teabag accompanying a mug of water so lukewarm that it will not even dissolve one nanogranule of sugar.

The only consistently palatable tea is Moroccan tea, partly because the sugar and the fresh mint can disguise a world of bitter evil.

So it is somewhat encouraging to discover that a new high-end tea company, Newby, is muscling its way into the Dubai hospitality scene. And not just by selling tea, but hopefully also training staff how to prepare it properly. Using bottled or filtered water, brewing it at exactly the right temperature for the exact length of time, and using the right amount of tea. With luck, one day sandlanders will be able to buy a drinkable brew rather than dishwater for their hard earned dirhams.

Grim news in the gulag

One of the few things that Dubai ever got right, property-wise, was the lovely leafy gulag surrounding Cell Block G. "Guantanamo", "Karama-by-the-Sea", it has been known by many different names and universally loved. At least since they built Ibn Spud mall, and the Great Rent Apocalpyse erupted throughout the rest of the sandlands.

On first being confined to Cell Block G, back in March 2003, the wardens were struggling to attract inmates. One associate got a free month's rent for taking a ground floor cell, because there was such low demand.

Six months later there was a waiting list of 300 people.

One year later there was a waiting list of 3,000 people and it cost Dh9,000 just to get your name on.

A year after that, the waiting list was closed, and it was down to luck or wasta.

And now they plan to tear half of it down. No one knows why. The saddest thing is that Cell Block G and its surroundings are a model housing project that Dubai could and should have shown off to the world. Beautiful landscaping with - in the main part - sustainable, hot-climate vegetation. A clever road system that kept much of the development pedestrianised. Spacious, affordable accommodation built to a decent standard at a relatively low cost. Nearby amenities and community leisure facilities.

But Dubai has never thought to flaunt The Gardens. Instead, it touts its hideous, overpriced poorly built, appallingly planned tower blocks because they make more cash per square inch of concrete. The Gardens is unique to Dubai and it is worth preserving, promoting and emulating. It is arguably the Bastakia of the new millennium.

Ex-con excursions

A holiday in Dubai: seven star hotels, world class amusement parks, hyper luxury shopping, pristine golden beaches, year-round-sunshine, and now...

...rent-a-lag:

Dubai: Inmates who serve their sentences and successfully pass a tourist guide course will soon show tourists and sightseers around the city's landmarks, in a new initiative by Dubai Police.

The Department of Tourism and Commerce Marketing (DTCM) will soon organise tourist training courses for 60 male and female inmates at the Dubai Central Jail.

What fantastic fun for all the family, trying to guess whether their tour-guide is a former burglar, crackhead, rapist or murderer!

Kudos to jail bosses for wanting to rehabilitate these guys, but try to find something a little less front-line for them to start out with.

Sex in the City

What a Carry On in the Capital: hordes of angry Abu Dhabi residents chasing naughty nymphettes from the Qasr to the Corniche. Act I - SMS by sex - furious Dhabians are being spammed with text messages advertising "girls of different Arab nationalities" for sexual services:

"I wonder how etisalat allows such messages to reach people. They should monitor all messages and block indecent ones," [one resident] said.

"It is against our traditions and religion. Even in Europe and other countries which allow such companies to operate, these kinds of messages will not be allowed to reach people's mobile phones," he said.

Another irritated woman said her husband had received these messages inviting him to have sex with young Arab girls in Abu Dhabi. "I tried to contact the company several times but no one is responding," she said. "Etisalat should prevent people from sending these messages and they should monitor the content of them."

Act II - air ho-stesses - Dhabians are up in arms over the comings and goings of female flight staff in "half-dressed attire":

One resident said: "I don’t really care about their social life, when we see them getting picked up by flashy cars, but when these cars cause inconvenience to the residents… it is of significant concern." They added: “I have no issues with Etihad Airlines but if they could teach their staff how to behave when they are not flying it would be greatly appreciated.” Etihad refused to comment.

And we must also refrain from commenting on the possibility of any connection between these two stories.

"Happy New Year, Sir!"

"Now kindly pack your bags and fk off!"

Here's what was written:

DUBAI — The Dubai Municipality is scheduled to begin the eviction drive against bachelors staying in residential areas this February. Though the deadline for its completion is February next year, officials say it can take a couple of years.

Engineer Walid Abdul Karim of the Building Inspection Department of the Dubai Municipality told Khaleej Times, "According to the initial plan, the eviction drive will be starting from February and will be completed by February next year. But it can take almost two years."

Here's what in a humane, progressive, moral society, should have been written:

DUBAI — The Dubai Municipality is scheduled to begin the relocation of single workers to dedicated accomodation this February. The purpose-built housing was designed to be affordable and comfortable for expatriates working in construction and related industries.

Engineer Jamal Abu Dishdash of the Housing Department of the Dubai Municipality told Khaleej Times, "Now that the first stage of the special accommodation for single expat workers is complete, we will begin to help these people relocate. The new accommodation has been built to a high standard with full amenities and transport links to work and leisure locations. Every assistance will be given to help people settle in to their new homes."

But no. Dubai doesn't give a shit about these bachelors, it just wants them gone. Many of them will end up sleeping on rooftops and in parks and on the street, but no one cares. God forbid they consider finding them alternative accommodation before chucking them out.