Jumeira Beach Hole

The world's dross, tack and riff-raff overrun the JBH - it must have the most downmarket clientele of any hotel in the Emirates. From shaven-headed British lobsters baking themselves on the crowded tiny beach - only a stage less appetising in appearance than the nightly buffet - to Eastern Europeans of questionable profession tottering around in bikinis and six-inch heels, hanging off the arms of their "grandfathers", this is a crucible of cringe.

Last night we fled this hell, escaping by abra over the creek just before sunset. Blustery winds drove huge flocks of gulls onto the water, the air was thick with white wings, we sailed past skyscrapers gleaming with reflected gold, big wooden dhows unloading dubious wares from Iran, all the way to Deira-side and a long trek on foot to Cucina at the Marriott.

Cat Fight

Sectarian violence in Little Bombay: the feral cats are waging territory wars. Their vile yowls shriek from the alleyways hour after hour through the night. No one can sleep, no one can block it out.

Arabian Ranches continues to litter the city with its sanpro billboards. Perhaps it would be worth ringing them up to enquire about villas "with wings."

They are definitely trying to poison us at DMC Phase 2. Just weeks after the first food outlet opened - McCrap - closely followed by a chocolate shop, "Cinnabon and Seattle's Best Coffee" has now been unleashed. They will have our veins and arteries, they will have our systems packed with salt and fat and crap... expect to see the imminent launch of Arabian Cemetaries.

Festive Non-fun

How do you dream of spending Christmas day? Roast turkey, presents, yuletide cheer with friends and family? A barbecue on the beach? A luxurious desert trip to Al Maha (or the cheaper choice of Hatta Fort?)

Or how about spending Christmas morning at a press conference organised by Dubai Police to announce their "activities" for next year's shopping festival?

Logos from Hell

If one person needs to be fired in the emirate of Dubai, it is the design head for Emaar group.

First came the appallingly unoriginal Dubai Bank logo - a weak-looking version of the Burj or Al Jazeera logo ("it looks like a pair of saggy tits" as one colleague mentioned).

And now the city is blitzed with billboards for the"Arabian Ranches" housing development (two horses and a few villas in the middle of the desert). Using the unmistakeable image of a sanitary towel. At a stretch one could almost imagine it is an elongated white saddle shape, but to the instant recognition of most, it is the Always Ultra advert.

What will their next development be? Tampax Towers?

Foul Function Food

As publishing hack Rupert Green put it recently at the media iftar of a major government-owned company: "Given they're turning such a fair coin, it's a pretty poor spread."

It's regrettably true of so many "gala" dinners and media functions en generale. Always a buffet. Always poor quality. Always a bad reflection on the hotel whose premises the catering nightmare takes place.

So to taste the worst-ever Arabic food at Dubai's most-luxurious Arabic hotel the other night was disappointing but unsurprising. How is it possible for some gutter-cheap Lebanese greasy spoon in the arse-end of Deira to produce the world's most exquisite, light, crunchy, melt-in-the-mouth falafel, and the Royal Madge to turn out something grey, unedibly solid, tasteless?

Pink Scheduler

There is a difference between "ladies" as in women: working women, professional women, intelligent female humans, and "ladies" as in stupid, jewel-encrusted, tart-fashion-bestrewn vacuous arab housewifes.

I am assuming the latter category is the target for the exclusively-marketed-to-ladies mobile phone that includes a mirror ("because the ladies they are often losing their mirror in their purses or their wallets"), 32 cubic zircons,biorhythms, calorie counter, and something described as a "pink scheduler" Which sounds like a gay dating service in Sydney, but more likely is - gasps of male horror! - a menstruation calendar.

A Prestige Purchase

Forget fine-detailed antique silk carpets from Persia, painstakenly hand-woven with thousand of knots per inch. Cast aside the richly-coloured tribal rugs from Afghanistan, with vibrant geometric designs.

Instead, consider this: from the most luridly fluoro-lit discount store in the tacky heart of Satwa, displayed alongside the cluttered plastic finery of throwaway made-in-China tat, the World's Most Marvellous Mat.

Machine-processed of the purest nylon in some sweatshop in Asia, colours exquisitely bland, adorned with the badly-pixellated image of a 30-years-younger Sheikh Zayed - hand raised in greeting, smile toothy and wide - surely only this is fit to grace the walls of Flat 103, Depths of Bur Dubai. "Sixty dirhams ma'am." But he accepts fifty.

And Sheikh Zayed, in all his spectackular glory, arrives home at last.

The Mystery of the Missing Merchants

Where have all the VCD pirate peddlars gone? Has the municipality been rounding them up in a fit of civic fervour? None were to be seen in Satwa, up any of the alleyways around Regal tailors, none were in Bur Dubai, outside Shoe City, near Choitrams.

Given how long it takes films to reach the cinema here, it's only fair that one can enjoy a 10 dirham shaky, sound-distorted preview of the latest Hollywood blockbuster. Last year, Lord of the Rings 2 and Harry Potter 1 were available in these nomadic souks long before they hit the silver screen. But their sequels and the shady sellers are nowhere to be found.

Steel of Spirit

Time now to utter the ultimate Dubai blasphemy of 2002:

(1) I actually don't like the Fairmont. The function food is appalling, the foyer isn't that nice, and the parking arguably pips DIC's recent speed-bump frenzy for the 2002 motorist-infuriation award.

(2) I actually don't mind the Hilton Dubai Creek in all its steel and glass splendour (horror). Parts of it. The downstairs bar counter should be ripped out in favour of something less naval-ship-galley-canteen, then if the velvet cushions, dark water and candles theme were extended, it could verge on being acceptable. The Glasshouse needs to have prices halved, portions doubled, and a decor overhaul to stop looking like Verre's poor relation.

Black & Wrecker

How in god's name can a major electrical appliances maker make something as simple as a kettle that does not actually pour? Despite the fact that it was a cutting-edge stainless steel designer job, probably eight times the price of a regular plastic jug, it flooded the office kitchen hourly. And has already been replaced by a cheap, plastic affair that actually works.

Started at Shiny Happy Arab Channel yesterday which is truly a lovely place filled with bright and progressive people. Now if only they could take over the stereotype of "people of Middle Eastern appearance" from the semtex-strapped fanatics and mullah-taliban brigade who currently hold it...

Thursday Brunch

No work today, due to a planned excursion up the Pirate Coast to Ras Al Khaimah, the outback of the Emirates. Brunched in The One, where arguably the most grievous-yet piece of "editorial feedback" appeared in today's Khaleej Times.

In brief: the Khaleej Times warns readers of two computer viruses, that are actually hoaxes. Reader with at least two brain cells writes in to point this out. Khaleej Times response: "Thank you for your letter, but please don't be so hard on us. 99% of people wouldn't know this."

Yes - but you're allegedly "journalists" with a platform enabling you to spread urban ignorance beyond dimension. The easiest of Googles or a quick trip to Symantec.com could have curtailed your stupidity before broadcasting it to your bewildered readership. Frankly all those poor Khaleej Times readers desperately now trying to restore the vital .dll they've deleted at your ill-informed behest should class action you.

Foaming Fish

What the hell happened to the allegedly teeming-with-fish freshwater lake at DIC? Yesterday it was life-free with the fountain whipping up a foam slick the size of Wales. And whereas acacias and bamboo seems to thrive in this climate, the date palms planted all over look really grey and tired and sad.

Smoke and Mirrors

Sheraton's relaunch was spectacular. Endless, excellent food, and a wondrous Harlequin dressed up in mirrors like a human glitterball, playing music from a tray of wineglasses.

Good fortune was mine to bump into the newly-shorn Jolyon fforbes, ex-hack and now PR supremo. Together we lamented the dire state of UAE newspaper journalism - rockstars "regaling" the crowd, "quite delightful" events and occasions, and thing that "one can avail oneself" of.

Heat is Sweet

The best thing about Dubai must be its glorious weather. Arguably the summer is too hot, though once your blood has thinned and your lungs relearn to breathe in 110F/50c heat it's bearable. Now it is midwinter, and after getting worryingly cool in mid-November - as low as 24c in the daytime - the mercury has surged back to a respectably warm 30c, with cool balmy evenings. And it never rains.

Today's press conference produced the worst food and the best present ever. In the dark corner donuts dripping with brown paint-like topping, dire Lebanesesque pastries, and some spongiform lifeform that appeared to be the descendent of school-canteen "cherry" sponge cake. In stolid, slab-like chunks.

In the happy corner: the coolest ever "credit card" style Victorinox swiss army knife. Admittedly the fattest credit card any wallet has ever seen, but it does have a blade, tweezers, a toothpick, nailfile, "quattro drive", and a long thing that appeared to be a stabbing implement, but claims to be a ballpoint pen.

I wonder how easy it will be to get it onto an aeroplane?

No No No No No

Indian journalists: please desist from using the word "trendy." The word "trendy" is not trendy - it is sad, outdated, aged-hippy-parents, and frankly an embarrassment to the English language. "Trendy" has never even achieved the retro-amusement status of "groovy" - it is just sad. Even more unbearable is titling an entire magazine "Young And Trendy."

The One and Only

Failing to find a cheap chair in The One is frustrating but not exactly surprising. It's not quite Ikea. As usual the shop was crammed to the gills with Jumeira Janes carrying out Seasonal shopping, filling their vacuous undertasked lives with overpriced cushions and floating candles. Is is a visa requirement for all White Expat Wives to have dyed blonde hair, designer clothes and dreadful children?

Karaoke at Emirates Towers: the usual medley of Elvis, Spice, and a seasonal touch with "White Christmas". Why don't Muslims sing carols? It might be fetching to have a small band of sheiklets singing hadiths every Ramadan, cheeks rosy from the desert heat and dishdashes shining angel-white in the villa floodlights.

One of the buyers from The One was at the karaoke, sharing the horrid tale of two Jumeira Janes' relentless hunt for "bathroom accessories." We left with the image of a dust-gathering dish of falsely-dyed seashells sending shivers down our spines.

Eid Mubarak

Today is Muslim Christmas, so everyone is presumably off work.

Despite this a fast-flowing metallic river of traffic is still coursing down Sheikh Zayed Road. Forget the Creek - this eight-lane superhighway (twelve if you count the hard shoulders) is now the true conduit of business and commerce in the Emirate. It is also a gauge of the Three Stages of Dubai Residency.

1. Newly Arrived: Shock and disbelief as a mad dishdash zips past you in a blacked-out Lexus via the hard shoulder

2. 3-6 Months: Apathy at the above

3. 6 Months: Getting so pissed at the dishdash managing just 160kmph in an 80 zone, you scrape the central reservation to overtake him

Fast growing city

Driving down to Media City yet another huge concrete development is springing up in the dust alongside Sheikh Zayed Road. What innapropriate topographical title will this one be given? Emirates Valleys? Emirates Snowy Cliffs?

Perhaps I will build a small rockery on my balcony and have the Municipality redesignate the area Emirates Alps.

Virtually no one is in Media City today, as Muslims and infidels alike are skiving off for Eid. A flying sheikhmobile is circling past the office window. Can't quite discern what bedishdashed dignitary it contains, if any. Perhaps it's got lost on the way to the Burj.

Guide to UAE blogs

UPDATED FREQUENTLY:

Adventures In Dubai - http://webmasterdubai.blogspot.com
Author: keefieboy, male UK expat, Dubai (from September 2004)
Keefieboy, a "forty-something" web designer has lived in Dubai for the past decade. He posts often humourous updates about news and happenings in Dubai.

An Emirati's Thoughts - http://aethoughts.blogspot.com
Author: Emirati, male UAE national, Abu Dhabi (from June 2005)
After living abroad for several years, Emirati is now back in the UAE capital. He posts life and issues in the UAE, with his own insights and perspective as a local. He is also very well versed in military affairs.

Bss & Brn in Al Ain - http://bssandbrninalain.blogspot.com
Authors: Brn and Bss, American expats, Al Ain (from April 2005)
The blog is a description of Brn's and Bss's move to and life in Al Ain, where Brn works at the UAE University. Updates contain interesting expat experience and perspective of a very different land.

Dubai Consumer Mirror - http://dubaiconsumermirror.blogspot.com/
Author: moryati, male Syrian expat, Dubai (from September 2005)
Moryati keeps a particularly close eye on the UAE's media scene, with general Dubai insight and insider info.

Grapeshisha - http://grapeshisha.blogspot.com
Author: grapeshisha, Dubai (from February 2006)
Grapeshisha started out as a highly informative, insider info newsletter, and has since expanded into a full website and very interesting blog.

Secret Dubai diary - http://secretdubai.blogspot.com
Author: secretdubai, female UK expat, Dubai (from December 2002)
Intrigue and adventure in the United Arab Emirates.

The Emirates Economist - http://emirateseconomist.blogspot.com
Author: John B Chilton, American expat, Sharjah (from January 2005)
John B Chilton, an American academic and economist working in Sharjah, posts daily links to news articles and economic information about the UAE, as well as regional affairs.

UAE community blog - http://uaecommunity.blogspot.com
Author: various, UAE (from August 2005)
UAE community blog is a forum to unite web diarists, post about UAE blogging and new UAE blogs, and general amusing and frustrating issues of UAE life.


UPDATED REGULARLY:

Al Ain Taxi - http://alaintaxi.blogspot.com
Author: Al Ain Taxi, Al Ain (from November 2005)
Al Ain Taxi certainly gets around, as his blog promises, with regular news and gossip from the UAE's Oasis city.

Blogging from the UAE - http://ikesulat.blogspot.com
Author: Ike, male Filipino expat, Dubai (from June 2005)
Ike posts a range of news about the UAE and elsewhere.

Dubai's Drama Queen - http://dubaidrama.blogspot.com
Author: Snow White, female UK expat, Dubai (from June 2005)
Snow White posts updates about Dubai gossip, leisure and social life.

Intodimensions.com - http://www.intodimensions.com
Authors: Crystal and Magnus, expats, Al Ain (from August 2005)
Crystal and Magnus share their experience of moving to the UAE.

Jenny Foreigner - http://jennyforeigner.blogspot.com
Author: jenny foreigner, female UAE expat, Dubai (from December 2005)
Jenny - tagline Dubaimania - addresses the lead issues of the day, with a focus on local politics.

Life in Dubai - http://dubaithoughts.blogspot.com
Author: seabee, male Australian expat, Dubai (from January 2006)
Returning to Dubai after a gap of twenty years, seabee, who works in marketing, is pretty upset with the state of the traffic...

M and J Adventures - http://mandjadventures.blogspot.com
Author: NZM, expat, Dubai (from November 2005)
NZM is loving La Vida Loca in Dubai, but escapes regularly to the mountains, bringing back stunning photos.

One Big Construction Site - http://onebigconstructionsite.blogspot.com
Author: samurai sam, Dubai (from August 2005)
Samurai sam, the comedy graphics king of UAE blogging, tells it how it is. Having been here since birth nearly, he should know.

The Desert Weasel - http://thedesertweasel.blogspot.com
Author: Desert_Weasel, male expat, Dubai (from August 2005)
Desert_Weasel, a forties expat since 1999, muses on the UAE, leaving few stones unturned.

The Dubai Chronicles - http://www.nikkish.net/jeff
Author: Jeff Vergara, male Filipino expat, Dubai (from June 2004)
The saga of Jeff Vergara living in the City of Gold. Jeff's photos are superb.

The Secret Blog of Arabia - http://secretarabian.blogspot.com
Authors: A Yahya, Ali Mehdi, male Emirati and Omani, Abu Dhabi (from July 2005)
A change of teams brings added Omani flavour to secretarabian, continuing its valuable cross-cultural insight.

Underground Dubai - http://dangerdxb.blogspot.com
Author: Axonsax, Dubai (from February 2006)
News, views and comments From The City of Gold.

White Sun of the Desert - http://www.desertsun.co.uk/blog/
Author: Tim Newman, male UK expat, Dubai (from September 2005)
Tim provides some aggressive commentary on the UAE and the wider region.

Yin Shui Si Yuan - http://yinshuisiyuan.blogspot.com
Author: Waterboy, male expat, Dubai (from May 2005)
Waterboy covers many political and financial issues in the UAE, interspersed with sharp and very wise insight.


UPDATED OCCASIONALLY:
Bewildered Expat - http://bewilderedexpat.blogspot.com
Author: Dhabi Dabbler, UK expat, Abu Dhabi (from January 2005)
Dhabi Dabbler, an engineer, posts about life in the capital.

Desert Idleness - http://desertidleness.blogspot.com/
Author: Desert Blogger, expat, Dubai (from July 2005)
Desert Blogger details some of the quirkiest Dubai stories.

Dubai Media Observer - http://dubaimedia.blogspot.com
Author: Dubai Media Observer, expat, UAE (from January 2006)
A critical view of the UAE's media industry, covering media, marketing and advertising.

Oasis Dubai - http://oasisdubai.blogspot.com
Author: black feline, Singaporean expat, Dubai (from May 2005)
Black feline has many observations and interesting photos from Dubai.

Phantasmagoria - http://pfantasmagoria.blogspot.com
Author: Al Mulhama, female Iraqi expat, Dubai (from December 2003)
The thoughts of Al Mulhama, giving an Arab expat perspective.

Random Fact Collector - http://www.livejournal.com/users/dubaiwalla
Author: dubaiwalla, male Indian expat, Dubai (from August 2005)
Dubaiwalla writes about general life in the Emirates.

Red Pen - http://www.20six.co.uk/red_pen
Author: Red Pen, female American expat, Dubai (from January 2004)
Red Pen, a writer and editor, provides anecdotes on Dubai.

westmeetseast - http://lizzied.blogspot.com
Author: LizzieD, female US expat, Dubai (from April 2005)
LizzieD, a US journalist formerly in Cairo, gives hard-hitting insight.


[last updated Thursday 16 March 2006]