Con City

UK politician George Galloway recently foiled a sting by the News of the World's fake sheikh, Mahzer Mahmood, who tried to implicate him in political corruption and making anti-semitic comments. What partly saved the day for Galloway was his extensive regional knowledge and experience:

"In their appearance, these men did not remotely resemble devout Muslims or Islamists (which is what they later claimed to be). Neither wore a beard."

Writing on the Guardian blog, Galloway noted a Dubai connection with one of his attempted scammers, "Sam Fernando":

"Dubai seems a point of reference for the con artists at the News of the World. It came up in their scams against Sven-Goran Eriksson, Carole Caplin and Sophie Wessex. So what is it about Dubai?"

What is it about Dubai indeed? Most probably its glitzy, multicultural, wheeling-and-dealing crossroads-of-the-Middle East image. It's where the very rich and the very shady do business. It's also seen as having more money than sense. So if you want to masquerade as a dodgy Arab businessman, claiming a Dubai connection and namedropping a few sheikhs is a very easy disguise.

Saddest, seediest day

Is today the saddest, seediest day ever in sandlands history? A glance at Gulf News' Nation stories reveals a rollcall of sordid human misery and depravity:

Prisoner hangs himself in Sharjah jail
Housemaid in court for molesting child
Man fined after he beat wife who took children for a drive
Mother tells court barber molested son
Ex-soldier and sex worker jailed

No wonder the poor Arabian mammoths became extinct. They probably lemminged en masse off Jebel Hafeet in a fit of shame and depression if the Miocene-era Elephant Today headlines were in any way similar.

A flustered virgin

"...and I hope very much that Virgin will always remain a virgin."

A Dubai airport exec's rather bizarre wish to Sir Richard Branson, at a press conference held in the shadow of the Burj to welcome Virgin Atlantic to the sandlands. Is it possible to hymen-test an aircraft?

Equally bizarre, though perhaps explained by Sir Richard's jetlag, lack of sleep and "stinking cold" (according to his PR people), was the goodly knight's apparent confusion over the difference between Dubai, the UAE, and Abu Dhabi:

"...UAE maybe one day, obviously enormous investment's got to go into the UAE to try and turn it into sort of the second Dubai, but it's actually really quite close to here so I'm not sure that we need to set up a separate airline there."

Here's a small guide to help future airline execs navigate more competently around sandlands terminology:

Dubai - a sandy city of brand new skyscrapers and permanent gridlock

Abu Dhabi - a sandy city of 20-year-old skyscrapers and moving traffic

UAE - a very sandy land that is the top of the foot of the great boot of the Arabian Peninsula. It currently contains both Abu Dhabi and Dubai. At least for now.

From victim to culprit?

Oh dear oh dear. The headline really says it all:

Lawyer wants gang-raped woman to be tried for having illicit affair

Dubai: A lawyer has asked the Dubai Public Prosecution to reconsider the case of a gang-raped flight attendant and charge her with drinking and having an illicit relationship.

See lads? Rape a girl with your mates, and not only are you likely to get off very lightly (if you're even charged at all) but you may have the fun of seeing her ending up in the dock instead - just like Madame Tiouli! What superb sport. Perhaps they should introduce it as a new event when the Olympics finally come to the sandlands.

A murder of trees

How green is my desert? Growing less green by the day, after untrained gardening labourers hacked dozens and dozens of young trees to death in what was presumably an ill-advised, ill-explained "go forth and prune!" command from their dimwit supervisors.

The boughs were hacked through, the once-healthy, glitteringly green trees reduced to a few leaves on the few scant twigs that remain. Several trees have already died, their last leaves shrivelled up and brown. Others are dying, unable to breathe since the decimation of their chlorophyllous lungs.

From oasis back to desert, with just a few hacks of the scythe.

My doctor, my driver

The most eye-catching feature at the International Advertising Association congress was a display of cause-related adverts in the central atrium of DIEC. They contained images such as a paleface in a glittering diamond necklace; next to her a dark-skinned woman with a gash of blood around her neck - "quel prix pour ces diamantes?" Or a hollow-eyed baby on a white sheet, shown dead in the next shot. The world is tranformed into a melting scoop of blue and green icecream in a global warming ad. In another, a map of Africa is transformed into a skull.

According to the organiser of the exhibition, the labourers that put up the displays were very drawn to the ads. One series in particular particularly grabbed the attention of the boys-in-blue. What did it show?

1. A taxi driver's photo ID card hanging in the back of a cab. His name: Dr Khalid Rafiq, PhD.

2. A supermarket job application form, filled out in biro. The applicant: Dr Rajiv Suri, former cardiologist at a heart hospital in India.

3. A fast-food worker's name tag. It reads: Mei Yin, MBA.

All in a day's discrimination

Yeah, well, who is even bothered to be surprised any more?

"In another case, the court sentenced an Indian woman to a month in prison and 150 lashes for adultery. Her Indian lover was also given a month in prison and 90 lashes. The two will be deported after serving their terms."

Nothing ever changes. It probably never will.

Gagging on it

There are so many fascinating and important things that one hears in the sandlands that should be written about and exposed.

And then one learns that associates in local newspapers are currently facing increased censorship and oppression of free speech, despite the "openness and tolerance" tagline being beamed daily to the western world. That presenters on a news discussion radio show are no longer allowed to "talk about politics" or tackle controversial issues.

The only people here who can write safely about anything are correspondents working for major international news agencies and organisations, as has been seen this week with Associated Press breaking the violent riots at Burj Dubai (permanent BBC link) story. That is why we see journalists such as AP's Jim Krane exposing issues here that everyone has known about for ages but no one is safe to reveal.

So these stories can and will get out. They quickly flood the wires and internet aggregators such as Google News and they get picked up by thousands of blogs and forums and chat sites.

And it is therefore the worst timing, and the most ill-advised move, for authorities to increasingly gag the local press at the very time when they are claiming to be so progressive and open. It creates an atmosphere of suspicion and alienation among residents here, who should be this country's best brand ambassadors, but instead feel a growing sense of nausea and fatigue at Sandlands Inc and its relentless, mendacious, self-aggrandising PR machine.

An udderly tragic affair

The first hot contender for the Tragic Romance of 2006 is submitted by Kretin Times:

FUJAIRAH — A Bangladeshi labourer allegedly turned into a wild beast after dashing into a cattle pen and sexually assaulting a cow. He was detained and referred to the court, which sentenced him to six months in jail to be followed by deportation.

Court records showed that a national heard abnormal sounds coming out of his cattle pen. When opening the door and checking, he found a Bangladeshi labourer, identified as M.Z., sexually assaulting a cow. He took hold of him and called the police. The man, who was arrested, admitted to his crime, while the cow was sent for medical examination.

God forbid if that poor cow is found not to be a virgin: she'll face the death penalty like last year's comely camel.

The heavy hand of justice

It is somewhat shocking to learn that courts in Ras Al Khaimah can still order punishment amputations for theft crimes:

"Ras Al Khaimah: The Ras Al Khaimah Criminal Court yesterday ordered in absentia the amputation of the right hand of Hussain Rashid Abbas upon his being convicted of theft."

Fortunately such sentences are now extremely rare. According to a Google search, the last such sentencing was in 2003, when a Pakistani man was sentenced to have his right hand cut off for stealing $70 dollars. It is not known whether the amputation was ever carried out. He may of course had the sentence commuted in an appeal or been given clemency. According to that article, written by AFP:

"The last amputation ordered by a court in the UAE, where Islamic Sharia law is practised, was in June 1998 when three Omanis were convicted for breaking into shops and other businesses in Fujairah. It is not known whether the sentence was carried out."

Hooker, line and sinker

What a fascinating list of excuses this allegedly robbed former Yugoslav soldier comes up with as to why he was in a hooker's flat in the first place.

His lawyer claims he's still "suffering mentally" from the war in Kosovo.

He claims he was "simply looking for furnished accommodation".

And according to 7Days, he just wanted forty winks:

"They went to her apartment for a rest, where he said he was shocked when she took off her clothes and asked for sex. He told the court he refused and left the apartment, but realised he had lost 4,000 euros."

That works out at 100 euros per wink. Or should the spelling of that last word be slightly different...?

Rights and wrongs

The US state department's 2005 Human Rights Practices report paints a sorry picture of abused women's situation in the sandlands:

"There is broad legal and societal discrimination against women. Shari'a, or Islamic law, governs the personal status of women, but civil law governs their activities in the civic and commercial sphere. The government was generally not effective in enforcing women's rights and protecting women from abuse."

This will come as a surprise to no one, given the lack of support for the Dubai women's shelter and comment from male authority figures that women are "rebelling" by escaping their abusive husbands. No wonder, given this:

"The law protects women from verbal abuse and harassment from men outside the family; however, male guardians within the family have a positive legal right, in the Penal Code, to discipline women and children family members at their discretion, including use of physical violence."

It's high time the situation was sorted out. It disgraces the UAE and the compassion and wisdom of its founder, Sheikh Zayed, that these injustices continue. There are plenty of educated, emancipated, empowered Emirati women out there. Why aren't they able to secure a better situation for their less fortunate sisters?

The Sheikh of Rams surrenders

Far from being a peaceful sandy backwater, there was plenty of intrigue and action in the sandlands in the 1950s, according to the memoirs of diarist Robin Wilton's father. It makes Sheikh Zayed's achievement of peace and unity all the more impressive:

"There was a general disposition on the part of the seven Rulers to try to enlarge their territories, and hence their prospects, at the expense of their neighbours. Dubai and Abu Dhabi had fought a brief and inconclusive war in 1948, in the course of which the Political Officer‘s car was fired upon. The dispute was, of course, nominally about some camels, but its underlying purpose was lost on no-one."

And pity the poor "Sheikh of Rams", whose guns weren't heavy enough to secure his own sheikhdom:

"In 1951 I had to take a small force of Levies to make clear to the Shaikh of Rams that the [British] Government regarded him as a subject of the Ruler of Ras al Khaima not as an independent Ruler. We were fired upon as we approached his fort but when he saw the speed and skill with which the Levies deployed and brought machine guns and mortars to bear upon his crumbling stronghold he quickly sent out a messenger with a white flag to explain that the whole affair had been a misunderstanding."

Might=right, even back then.

Celluloid insanity

How is it that a film which depicts Saddam Hussein as the homosexual lover of Satan is allowed to be sold in the sandlands, yet there is a huge kerfuffle over the multi-Oscar-winning drama Brokeback Mountain?

And how is it that the film Syriana, which was substantially filmed in the UAE, is also facing the Big Black Texta? What is the logic in blocking the depiction of a fictional Arab emirate locally, while the rest of the world is free to see it and draw their own conclusions?

Let us imagine the next time Shakhbut Al Sandland (to create an equally fictional persona) takes a little trip to Uncle Samland, and gets chatting with the locals:

HANK McBURGER: So I saw Syriana, gee, are all your ay-rab rulers really like that?

SHAKHBUT AL SANDLAND: Our rulers did not permit us to see this film.

A very merry trifle

When glamourous Jumeira media couple Kiki and Maurice promise "just a very casual barbecue, picnic-style in the garden" one knows it is time to starch the collars and press on the dress studs.

For as an Acolyte of the Cult of The One, it is haram for Kiki to perform any entertainment rituals without first laying the altar with full candelabras, gold-embroidered cloths and a sixteen-piece solid silver cutlery service. Installing crystal chandeliers al fresco is no mean feat, but Maurice and the faithful neem tree rise nobly to the occasion.

But there is a slight hiccup when the pudding arrives, a magnificent raspberry trifle. It transpires that Kiki has misheard "use a good bit of sherry" for "use a good bottle of sherry". The result is a trifle so alcoholic that her two cats collapse from the fumes.

A sensitive and private matter

Does anyone know what the difference is between "private parts" and "sensitive parts"?

Abu Dhabi: A man who squeezed the private parts of an undercover CID officer thinking he was going to attack him has been jailed for six months followed by deportation.

ABU DHABI — The Supreme Federal Court has upheld the verdict of the Sharjah Shariah Court of Appeal sentencing a man to three months in jail for touching the sensitive parts of another man.

Is there any reason they can't simply be called genitals?

And we all come tumbling down

The financial losses suffered by investors in tumbling regional stockmarkets is likely to have repercussions far beyond a few now-empty dishdash pockets.

First: thousands of often inexperienced, first-time local investors have taken out huge, unsecured bank loans to speculate in the markets. Most will now presumably default on these loans.

Secondly: GCC nationals aren't used to losing money. They're used to the government bailing them out if they don't have enough money or don't save any money. They're used to the courts bailing them out with favourable verdicts if they can't pay their bank loans, or if they have a dispute with their foreign partner. They're not used to having access to things like gambling, since that's banned in most Islamic countries. Hence the fever - to the point of violent stampedes - that broke out over many recent IPOs, with the markets effectively becoming a legitimised casino.

What will the outcome be? Disillusionment, resentment, shame, anger. Hospitals in Saudi are already treating hordes of hysterical, distressed investors. Saudi's shoura council wants the government to intervene to prevent a crash: it won't. Kuwaiti investors are demanding their government bail out the bourse: it's refusing. Even independent analysts are recommending an emergency freeze on all IPOs. Increasing fury and bitterness against governments seem likely; all the more dangerous in a region with no real popular enfranchisement.

Either way, futures in worry-beads seem an extremely safe punt right now.

Feeling horn-y?

If so, try to find somewhere private. Don't make the mistake that this British couple did and do the dirty in your car... at least if you don't have a 100% black-tinted bullet-proof sheikhmobile:

"The couple told police they had alcohol in a pub and were then spending time together. The woman denied having sex and said they were cuddling. She accidentally bumped into the horn, while they were on the driver's seat. Medical reports proved they had sex.

"The Dubai Court of First Instance fined them Dh2,000 each, sentenced them to a month and they will be deported after serving their terms."

In other surreally spooky news, a man who fell into a hole got Dh6,666 compensation.

What was down that hole? Hades?

J'accuse

What a horrifically sad and backward verdict. A woman in RAK gets five years in jail after reporting yet another gang rape.

Firstly: sex workers in the UAE don't tend to accuse men of rape, for obvious reasons. And like prostitutes the world over, it is something they face repeatedly. So making a false accusation would be absurd to the point of incredible. Nor should it matter if a woman is Mother Theresa or the Whore of Babylon, she deserves to be treated with respect and compassion.

Secondly: why has the woman received a five year jail sentence for adultery, and the men only three months?

It really is about time UAE justice dragged itself out of the stone age. The typical reaction of the police and justice departments to any woman claiming rape is: "you are a prostitute". Witness the awful accusations made recently to the gang-raped British air hostess.

Take Kiki and Maurice's poor cleaning lady, who was recently abducted by four local boys near Park & Shop (yes - boys, not men - two were early teens) but fortunately managed to escape. Police accused her of lying to cover up illicit sex, despite the fact she was a virigin - fortunately proved medically later on. The doctor's words to her during the check up really say it all: "you're in the UAE, what do you expect?"

And let's not forget Touria Tiouli, a French businesswoman who was raped by three local men, one at least of them so high-born or highly wastad that he was never even investigated. She was charged with adultery, it took intense, high-level diplomacy to secure her freedom. Her book Brisée : En prison à Dubai pour avoir été violée is available on Amazon.

Until the UAE deals properly with victim's rights, gives abused women proper protection, and stops treating rape as something shameful or wicked on the woman's part, it's hard to feel much sympathy over the international flack it's currently getting over the Ports deal.

Paint a man a dog and hang him. It works both ways.

Winter Surprises

Government gatecrashing is becoming an absolute craze in the sandlands, with senior sheikhs and ministers paying unannounced visits all over the place.

Labour Minister Dr Al Kaabi pioneered the fad earlier this year with various impromptu visits to companies and labour camps, stumbling upon hives of corruption and indolence.

Education Minister Dr Hanif Hassan got a less than happy valentine when he popped into HQ on 14th February and discovered seventy per cent of his staff playing truant.

Social Affairs minister Dr Al Roumi stopped by Al Dhaid last month, and discovered aged technology and dilapidated facilities.

And now Sheikh Mo is also in on the act. First he paid a spontaneous visit to Umm Al Quwain (miraculously a few residents of the Sleeping Emirate were awake that day) where he was "shocked" to see chaos and disorganisation. No one else was, but never mind.

Next, Sheikh Mo dropped by RAK quite unannounced and ordered a shake up at the Labour Ministry and the courts.

So who's next? Government employees from mountains to sea must be quaking in their near-empty offices lest their department is the next surprise target.

Spice up your life

On first coming to Dubai, there was just one must-see place on the list: the spice souq. The very name was redolent of Old Arabia - winding alleyways, exotically robed figures, and rare and exotic goods arriving from faraway places by dhow and camel caravan.

While the spice souq isn't quite the Arabian Nights fantasy of ones imagination, it is still a fascinating place. Exotic aromas may now be adulterated by traffic fumes. Weird and wonderful produce jostles uncomfortably for sack-space with mass-produced tourism trinkets.

But it is still the only place in Dubai to buy dark gold globules of frankincense and myrrh; handfuls of pink and red dried rosebuds; thick bundles of cinnamon bark. It has the cheapest vanilla pods, star anise and cardamom around; and mounds and jars and boxes and sacks of saffron of all qualities and varieties.

But the Spice Souq is dwindling. Another victim of the supermarkets, the traffic, and faux-heritage creations such as the Madinat souq.

How to save the Spice Souq? Recognise its tourism and heritage value, and slash rents - don't view the stall holders simply as commercial traders, but also as ambassadors of Arabian heritage. Clean up the surrounding area, and put in a couple of small, pleasantly-appointed cafes selling fresh fruit juices and traditional street food. Put in clear road signs to help tourists navigate on foot between the gold souq and the spice souq, and the dhow station and spice souq.

The cost will be minimal compared to the value for future generations: not just visitors, but also young emiratis who are otherwise fast losing all the symbols and traditions of their heritage. Anyone can create fake-Arabia, they can do it in Disneyland, in Siberia, on the moon - negating any need for people to actually travel to the sandlands. The real-life, genuine, historic stuff is the only unique selling point Dubai has over a myriad of themepark imitations.

Fight the good fight

Hooray for this plucky Ruskie who is fighting against a ludicrously unfair parking ticket:

"The Russian refused to pay the fine and pointed out that the marked lines allowed him to park as he did. He also showed the parking ticket he bought from the machine.

"The police officials, however, told him that the lines were old and he should have parked closer to the pavement. He was also told that the dotted lines had been cancelled following construction on the highway."

That the police even attempted such derisory arguments absolutely beggars belief.

Literal pearls of purple prose

Dubai Police had better sharpen their pencils: they are in serious danger of losing this year's Purple Prose Prize. An associate has forwarded a press release of such exquisite floridity that it quite takes ones breath away, or would do if such a fallacious cliché were possible (which sadly for the purple PR pens it isn't). One has to appreciate the effort, even if it is more suited to Sheikhs-and-Desert-Love.com than a business news story:

"Amidst the rustling of silks, a mesmerising harp played, elegantly dressed ladies threw back their heads in spirited laughter. An illusionist entertained clusters of guests who were charmed, bewitched even, by his tricks. Was this something out of an Arabian Nights extravaganza? Well, it could pass for one but this was an even grander event — it was the launch of the Paspaley Pearl Jewellery in the Jowhara Ballroom at the Madinat Jumeirah in Dubai."

How many people actually throw their heads back in laughter? Try it. You'll most likely end up with a cricked neck requiring extensive physiotherapy. Though you could perhaps decorate your neckbrace with a Paspaley pearl necklace.

And does anyone know what the difference is between being "charmed" or "bewitched"? (Nose-twitching rather than the Power of Three?) Even more delicious than the "diner [sic] at this exclusive event" which "was nothing less than fit for kings" is the glowing recommendation of the Paspaley patriarch:

"Mr Nicholas Paspaley AC, a true gentleman"

As opposed to what? A false gentleman? A common peasant? Did Sir Nicholas spend the entire evening in a stunning display of gallantry, endlessly picking up ladies' handkerchiefs and helping elderly people alight from their carriages?

"As the last guests walked out into the night, the allure of the breath-taking jewels would be foremost in their thoughts."

Whereas little but the excruciating purpleness of this prose is foremost in the reader's.

Mysterious murdered millionaire

A fatal stabbing in Naif is as absurd as it is tragic: why would anyone withdraw one million dirhams and go around with it in a plastic bag, armed only with a pair or scissors?

"A man was stabbed to death outside his apartment with his own scissors, a court heard yesterday. The victim was allegedly attacked in the Naif area in December as he walked home from a money exchange centre carrying dhs1 million in a plastic bag."

Hadn't this man heard of cheques or electronic money transfer? Or monetary transport guards?

And what kind of business counts out Dh1 million to a character who shoves it into a plastic bag, without even enquiring if he would like some sort of escort?

Misogynist of the decade

Oh dear. Just as we thought things were progressing for women's rights, out comes this glitteringly appalling comment:

"If every woman hit by her husband is encouraged to rebel, the sanctity of marriage would disappear from society."

Firstly, a woman leaving a violent husband is not "rebelling", she is trying to save her own life and quite likely that of her children.

Secondly, once a man hits a woman (or vice versa) the sanctity of marriage is already broken. Vows of love and support and unity have been violated. There is nothing worthy or sanctified about a hollow matrimonial sham of victim and abuser.

Thirdly, surely encouraging men not to hit their wives, and prosecuting those that do, might be a better solution to the tragedy of domestic abuse?

Parkinsons pocket pervert

A very funny letter in 7Days on the problem of beach perverts. Interestingly, this didn't happen on the "Russian" beach, but down south:

"I’ve had an interesting few last visits to the beach, near the Hilton. Last visit there was a man who seemed to have a severe case of Parkinsons (please I mean this in nicest way as I can’t really say in this column what he was doing) going on in his right trouser pocket.

"This problem seemed to get worse whenever a woman in a bikini walked past. When I looked at him to let him I knew what he was doing, he just didn’t care, he kept on going. What is the right thing to do about this?"

"Disgruntled" wants to know where to go to avoid this kind of situation. Sadly, probably only the Ladies' Club beach.

In other news: well deserved medals for forty police officers from three different emirates who safely rescued a young girl from her kidnappers. A reminder of why cooperation remains so important.

Oasis of renewal

"I have been like a desert creature
"Wandering on this earth so cracked and dry
"Only to survive"

When the current horror of Dubai becomes unbearable - with the interminable construction, roadworks and traffic jams - there is only one place in the sandlands to escape to.

The oasis city of Al Ain.

What makes Al Ain so lovely is not its peacefulness, though it is an extremely calm and tranquil place. Nor is it its undeniable beauty: Al Ain is quite simply one of the loveliest cities in the Gulf. Nor even is it its greenery and verdure, being a true garden in the desert, beloved by the late president Sheikh Zayed.

Al Ain is lovely because it has a raison d'être. It is a city that has grown up naturally around an oasis. It has its own natural resources and it has a sense of history. It is not some artificial bubble-town created to woo international businesses, or some recreated faux-Arabesque Al Disneyland with concrete windtowers and fibreglass camels.

If foreigners want to witness true "Arabia" UAE-style, they should come to Al Ain.

Ports in a storm

One of the interesting side effects of the furore over the P&O takeover by Dubai Ports - which has been sheer pull-up-a-deckchair-in-glee time for most outside observers, surely none more so than losing rival PSA and any non-Bush supporters - is the realisation that Dubai (and the UAE) will face increasing criticism and scrutiny as it becomes an international player.

We often laud "progress" in the sandlands press, but the truth of the matter is that the censorship situation here is pathetic by western standards. One of the reasons tyrants and despots can rule elsewhere in the region quite happily is because it is forbidden to criticise them, according to Chapter 7 Article 76 of the UAE publications law:

"No article blemishing the president of an Arab, Islamic or any other friendly state will be published."

How very convenient for Saddam Hussein and anyone else choosing to rule through violence and oppression: silence and tolerance by their neighbours.

What the UAE is likely to find particularly hard to stomach, as its own papers churn out endless glowing tributes to progress and the "wise vision of the leadership" is the fact that international media is not constrained by Chapter 7 Article 70:

"No criticism shall be made against the Head of State or Rulers of the Emirates"

Which is why the sandlands should expect to see many more articles like Slate's How United Are the United Arab Emirates - Why some emirates are more important than others - currently an unthinkable topic in a UAE local paper. Perhaps it's time to grow up, open up, and take it on the chin.

Guide to Dubai

With the world's eyes on Dubai over the ports controversy, here's a ten-point guide for foreigners considering a sojourn in the sandlands:

1. Language
You will need fluency in Arabic - including several Gulf dialects - to get by in Dubai, otherwise it will be impossible to even buy a loaf of bread or make a phone call.

2. Women
Traditionally, western expatriate women were required to live in a custom-built compound known as Jumeirah, which became increasingly cramped and run-down over the decades. The government has now built new, spacious enclosures for them in the middle of the desert, scenically and inaccurately titled "Hills", "Lakes", "Meadows" and so forth.

3. Driving
There are two types of driving license in Dubai. Category A is granted only to Arabs and westerners, and requires them to drive at no less than 200kmph on all major and minor roads. Purchase of a high-end four-wheel drive vehicle is mandatory with this licence. Category B is given to Asian expats, and requires that they drive below 60kmph in the fastest two lanes of all highways. Holders of Category B licences may only drive white Nissan Sunnies.

4. Locals
All locals in Dubai - that is to say the men in white and the women in black - have private oil wells in their palace gardens, giving them an average income of two million dollars each per week. When a child is born, a new well is drilled for it (similar to a "christening gift" in the west, but somewhat more useful).

5. Money
The money used in Dubai is called "wasta". A concept currency called the "dirham" also exists, but it is the equivalent to Green Shield stamps or internet "beanz" and has no real purpose beyond the UAE edition of Monopoly. To earn wasta, you visit important people and say appreciative things, and they may make a donation into your wasta pouch.

6. Sport
Sadly, the era of camel racing is long past, since foetal jockeys were forcibly repatriated to their mother's wombs in Bangladesh. Today's favourite competitive sport among UAE locals is a real-life version of Sim City, where families compete to build the biggest towers, earning bonus points if they max out Construction Chaos and achieve Gridlock Level 100.

7. Entertainment
All films are banned in the UAE due to various cultural sensitivities. But never fear! Cinema halls are far from silent: being filled instead with the haunting music of the Dubai Ringtone Symphony Orchestra.

8. Communication
Rather than having the internet, the UAE has a special communications system known as the Proxy, which consists of a few outdated html documents cached in a government office. To retrieve one of these documents, sandlanders must produce residence visas, passport copies and salary certificates in quadruplicate, and pay several thousand "wasta". Once the transaction is complete they can happily scan this document into their computer, and surf away! (That's if they're lucky enough not to get the notorious "Blocked" page, which accounts for 97.4% of all html documents in the cache).

9. Tourguides
As a tourism hub, hospitality in the sandlands is second to none. Any lost-looking visitors wandering around the streets, or entering a hotel, or just driving around in their car will rapidly be approached by one of tens of thousands of charming, multicultural "hostesses" who will help them feel very welcome. (Around 300 of the "dirham" Green Shield stamps is an appropriate tip for their services, perhaps 400 if they take you on a special tour of the back alleys).

10. Miscellaneous
Watches and other time-keeping devices are illegal in the sandlands, since punctuality is a serious affront to the local culture. Hazans are sufficient to wake residents up each morning. However, expats desperately wanting to know the time can drive to the Clocktower Roundabout in Deira (or walk, which is probably quicker) and get their horological fix.